Where you can find some pretty good popcorn

The American public craves popcorn. Popped kernels are considered such an extreme American delicacy that popcorn was recently listed as No. 7 on “The Top 20 Reasons Latinos Visit America” in USA Today. As a result, Popcorn has taken on a life of its own. We now hear new baby names such as “Kettle Corn” and “Unpopped Corn-Chris.” Snoop Dogg has used popcorn in 17 different verses over his music career. Needless to say, the corn has popped America’s kernel cherry since its arrival in the 1950s.

With popcorn at the height of it’s popularity and with a weak market, I’m sure average citizens are all asking, “Where can I get this stuff??” Tough question to answer but I think I can help. Although difficult to find outside of LA night clubs and New York operas, I have discovered some prime locations in the Midwest where you’ll be able to grab some pretty good p-corn. However, if you’re looking for Jiffy Pop - it doesn’t exist anymore. Just stop reading now, please.

The Zoo

Have you ever really looked into those gumball machines full of so-called “animal feed?” The label is false; it’s popcorn – rare and sought after Brazilian popcorn. Don’t be alarmed when it looks very grainy and a lot like owl poop, even if you find a skeleton of a small mole or mouse in it. The skeletons are not only good luck, but also mean you have some good kerns. The brown and dry texture comes from how it’s grown off of Brazil nut trees and plucked from deep within the bark. This type of popcorn is better eaten dry. You may microwave it but DO NOT put more than two kernels in at one time, because Brazilian popcorn has marshmallow-expanding qualities. In terms of price, usually one pays around $0.25/handful if you can get a good twist on the knob. Good luck getting out with it though, because zoo workers can smell it and will pad down your pockets when you leave.

Private Gardens

Local residents are never vocal about the amounts of popcorn they grow in their own backyards. In roughly 2 x 23 square feet, one small man can grow up to 7,000 kerns per day. However, without proper BB gun accuracy the rabbits will eat over half of that. Take a good look at rabbit poop, because it looks a lot like Brazilian popcorn but tastes a lot more like poop. Obtaining the popcorn from these gardeners is another story. You’ll need to know the password, which is “rabbit poop.” You’ll also need to know the online discount code, which is “Halo 3.” You also must be a pretty decent kisser, which I can’t describe on here without giving away all my secret moves (a-wink). In terms of price, you’re looking at $7 per 94 kerns.

The Store

Seriously, I just figured this out yesterday. I found literally BOXES of it at several grocery stores. The only issue with purchasing it from a local grocer is that it’s “powdered popcorn.” So, without water, you’re screwed.

Hot Topic

You normally wouldn’t want to be found dead near a Hot Topic with all those 50 year old plus parents in there, but the popcorn is worth the trip. This vendor is crafty. Hot Topic hides the p-corn in the pants they sell (both popped and still in kern form). In fact, they even keep creamed corn in the hats. Rumor has it Jiffy Pop bought out Hot Topic in order to combine their t-shirt line with corn. This buy is pretty easy, because Hot Topic sells extremely unattractive pants which no one purchases. Pants be a-hot for the pickin’. I have no idea on prices, sorry. I’m not allowed near there.

Enjoy my popcorn secrets and be safe.