Why I Can't Keep Writing About Using a Drain/Pipe Cleaning Instrument to Rid Myself of Mild Constipation

I'm aware writing about this topic is in high demand, and America is a supply-demand kind of playground. We witness this subject matter and I analyzed on CNN day in and day out, as well as a weekly topic on NPR's "Fresh Air." However, I have to set my limits. I'm not just a community editorial condom blog to be rinsed-out and tossed around from frat boy to frat boy. I have the right to choose what I want to compose when I want to, regardless of all the cute looks I get from local girls down at Walgreens. I feel used and disgusting, like a bag of used, disgusting diapers. As a result, this is why I can't keep writing about using a drain/pipe cleaning instrument to rid myself of mild constipation.

At first, yeah, it was a big hit. The fact that I discovered a slightly painful/sensual way to get through a bodily clog was the Johnny Depp of the reading world. I was the Blue Collar Comedy Tour but less fat. I had sold out show after sold out show. Signing autographs until I was constipated, which I'm now aware was planned action by the public in order to get me to write about it again. I was shooting lines with the Beatles and shaking hands with Charles de Gaulle. Yet, like Adam West and the original TV series "Batman," if I don't change things up soon, I'll be rustled into being a one trick pony.

I have SO MUCH more to offer. Even though you all didn't like the entry about when I used the poop-pipe-cleaner to clean my ears, I know how to write about lots of other stuff! I have a college degree; did you know that? I could write about the time I had to leave class, because I forgot to put on deodorant. What about the time I wondered onto the set of the ride for The Carousel of Progress at Disney World after getting drunk at Universal Studios? Is that doing anything for you? I even was banished from the Magic Kingdom but still find my way in there so I can have margaritas with the Hall of Presidents. Those are some quality stories.

I'll even be honest; I don't know how to keep writing about using a drain/pipe cleaning instrument to rid myself of mild constipation. There are only so many ways one way equidistantly describe the process of eating 4 pounds of cheese, having no movement for a few days and then inserting an incorrect instrument for the situation into my butt with fabulous results. My creativeness has only so much to offer.

So, I apologize to everyone, but I no longer will be able to tickle your pipe-cleaner, laxative fancy anymore. Maybe you should look into another member of the writing community...I hear Stephen King has some life left in him, and I'm sure Andy Dick is looking for work....but for me...I will ride my little pony into the wind so I may branch off onto another ranch. What will I write about now? Who knows? Maybe I'll write about a monkey washing a cat in a kitchen sink, or about how I keep getting convinced to have my eyebrows waxed; we will just have to see.

This may be the end of my time on the top, but I will rise again.