Male Dating Advice: 5 Tips to Swoon Your Sweetheart

I wrote the following piece my sophomore year of college, and it was originally published as a part of St. Norbert College's Literary Magazine in 2009. I thought I would re-share my go to suggestions when friends come to me with women problems. Enjoy, kids.

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Male Dating Advice: 5 Tips to Swoon Your Sweetheart

It's an undisputed fact nearly every guy at some point or another has been terrified to be in the company of a girl in a one-on-one setting. Whether it's a date, hanging out, throwing up or studying, most men always feel they need to be somewhat prepared for the event to ensure their first impression is a swell one. Although I believe you can work past a poopy first encounter, it's better to be safe than sorry.

Believe it or not, even I've been placed my feet in these sweaty palm shoes before. I've basically wet my diaper just thinking about how I'm going to act or what I should bring up in conversation. The truth is to just be you...except that's easier said than done.

Since I have such a vast knowledge of women, interpersonal communication and cute girl kissing alike, I thought I'd provide the "lady-killers-in-training" out there with some helpful tips on how to swoon them girls.

1.) It's ALL about the mustache

This isn't a joke. A mustache is the key to any girl's heart. When a man braces a furry caterpillar under his nose, he is telling his date that "I'm a man. A man with authority and one that has been around the puberty block a few times." Other men will find your mustache very intimidating. She'll notice their nervousness and realize she is in good care. Plus, it'll tickle her when you make-out.

If she makes a comment regarding your mustache being a little too much for her, consider saying something such as, "Don't be scared, baby. It won't bite," or try, "Wanna touch it? 'Cause it's real."

(Don't forget, gel never hurts it you're a man who likes a crisp, gooey upper lip.)


2.) Tell her every manly thing you can think of

"I installed a shit ton of drywall before I picked you up," is a classic one liner.

Girls love it when they know they are with a guy who isn't afraid to get his hands a little dirty. I've swooned thousands of girls just by mentioning small facts such as:

"I can probably bench the table we are at."

"When I was in high school, I kicked kids in the teeth like it was my job."

"I haven't pooped in weeks."

All of those are very impressive statements.


3.) Don't be afraid to take your shirt off

Many guys will wait to do this until they are back at her apartment, your tent or whenever to end up after the date. From experience, I can tell you that you should remove your shirt immediately. Perhaps when you are getting food you could take it off when she is looking down at her soup. When she looks up she will be a little frightened but very flattered. She'll most likely respond by making-out with you for 6-15 hours.


4.) If you have to fart, just cough to cover it

Let me tell you, this one is a life-saver, but it takes some practice. It's key to not fart before or after the cough but simultaneously. Beginners will usually get the fart-cough-cough order. Others may get the early cough followed by the fart, which is very funny but not effective.

I suggest practicing frequently. After 13 or 20 tries, you'll already be getting the cough-cough-end of fart. Once this art is mastered, you can just blame the odor on her. She'll probably believe you based on the success of your performance.


5.) Bring an interesting conversational piece

I'm not just talking about an elegant, thought-provoking topic such as masturbation but an actual object you and your date can use as a subject to discuss.

Consider these two situations:

You place a delicate, hand-made, polished, dark down vase on the dinner table. Your date's eyes are immediately drawn to it. As she is still staring at it, she asks you, "What's that?" At first, you play is cool and don't respond. Then with a sudden realization of what she is asking about you reply, "Oh, that? That's my grandma's ashes."


Your date returns to the dinner table after using the restroom and sees a large bowl of hair in the middle of the table. Her eyes gaze on it with strong curiosity. She doesn't say anything but her face expresses much confusion. So, you initiate, "Do you like it?" She responds, "...is that hair?" You unveil a gentle smile and say, "Yes, it's yours."

Other fantastic conversational pieces could be fingernail clippings, a baby (don't tell her whose), over-sized combs, button money, a lot of tree branches you found outside or a stack of fliers for a missing person but it's a picture of a kitten.


I'm going to assume all these tips will treat you well, and you'll soon be on your way to paying federal income taxes with her in no time...or owning too many cats to make up for your lack of ability to produce children. I will leave you with an appropriate quote...

"All of a sudden you're like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows what I'm going through." - R. Kelly