Chicago Summertime Activities

I hope the Bachelor chooses me!

Summer is right around the corner and right on cue with the warmer weather is an influx of girls posting past pictures and comments on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram saying something along the lines of:

"TAKE ME BACK TO SUMMER!!! <3 <3"

"Can't wait!!! [insert picture of their cliche dog in a t-shirt on a beach with a cliche sunset]."

"I love cupcakes! Ryan Gosling marry me! [insert picture of a girl who has gained a lot of weight since college shoving a Burger King meal with frosting all over it in her mouth."

Outside of how annoying I find these posts, I SUPPOSE they are correct - Ryan Gosling loves girls who eat Burger King. Also, these individuals are correct in stating summer is a godsend after a Midwest winter. Thankfully, Chicago isn't quite Green Bay or upper Wisco/Minnesota during the winter season, and we haven't seen snow in Chicago in quite a while (cross your fingers). BUT just as annoying as those posts are....the amount of Chicagoans bragging about "Chi-Town summer" becomes BEYOND overwhelming.

As much as I like seeing all the city pigeons huddled and pooping under the heating lamps on the "L" platforms in winter, I'm willing to accept the excessive bragging for what Chicago has to offer when the city is coupled with warm weather. If you are looking to make a visit, are new to Chicago or are bored as a horse at work reading this, I'm going to provide you wizards with a list of Chicago summertime activities! Enjoy ya, fart-holes!

DEATH BY SEAGULL

Beaches

I'll admit I'm a sucker for laying on the beach by the Great Lakes and gettin' tanner than a bear. With multiple beaches along the lake shore, you'll find these are killer destinations for those diarrhea-hot, summer days. What in the world could be better than dudes selling beer out of their personal coolers, grown men selling cotton candy when it's 101 degrees out and swarms of seagulls attacking families?

Ground zero

The Smell of Urine In the Loop and Downtown Area

When I was visiting Chicago for a job interview before I moved here, the men at 7 a.m. downtown washing the outside corners of buildings out with buckets of soap and water should have been a sign of the horrific smells to come. As the temperature rises, the sun's rays heat the city of Chicago streets to bring the overwhelming smell of urine to a boiling point. If that's not enough, I've noticed quite a strong smell of poop in some neighborhoods with no farmland to be found. You'll see many tourists taking pictures of their families absorbing the pee soaked air throughout the Loop. CAUTION: DO NOT WEAR WHITE CLOTHING - IT WILL TURN YELLOW IF EXPOSED TO THE PEE AIR MORE THAN 45 MINUTES

BYOB 24/7 Dentist Offices

#yolo

Chicago residents will also brag (and rightfully so) about all the restaurants and theaters that are BYOB. The ability to bring alcohol to a location and not purchase it there is nice on the wallet and a fun, unique experience for establishments.

As much as we all love indulging in culinary delights, sometimes our teeth do not. 75% of major toothaches happen between 1-6:30 a.m., and that's where Chicago pulls ahead of other cities; we have the world's only 24/7 BYOB dentist offices. Not only may you have that cavity filled at 3:19 a.m., but they encourage you to be hammered for it! The high levels of intoxication save them from spending money on pricey painkillers.

The little servants there are AMAZING

Navy Pier

I personally love attending Navy Pier's live-action military naval battles on Wednesday evenings, but for those who are disinterested in bloodshed, Navy Pier has other perks. Consider the large Ferris wheel - world famous for its notorious make out and hand-job opportunities while riding. If sexual favors aren't your pleasure, try eating something for $50 that tastes very average!

Go ahead and get at me, ladies.

Babysitter Clubs

A slang term for where sluts hangout - i.e. WHEREVER I AM!

Players from a sport no one cares about nevertasted so good...

Fresh Chicago Oranges

Florida ain't got nothing on the delicious, organic oranges grown in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago! Do you really think all the college students live in that area because of DePaul University? NOPE! It's because of the insane amount of Chicago orange bushes lining the streets! Nothing screams summer like orange treats such as:

- Oranges
- Orange drink (orange juice)
- Orange peel pancakes
- Orange peels n' salt
- Freshly squeezed orange-milk
- Orange mayonnaise
- Orange-ka-bobs (oranges on a stick, grilled and wrapped in horse hair)
- Fleshy orange (pieces of the player's skin of the Chicago Fire soccer team soaked in orange juice)

As you can tell, there is something in Chicago for everyone. Whether you're black, white, African American or Caucasian - we all can have fun in Pee-Town! (same thing a "Chi-Town) I can almost taste the fleshy orange now....

The Value of Genuine Perception

When I constantly write about owls, "The Hills" and self-involved comments about untrue statements regarding every girl from here to China thinking I'm cute...it becomes difficult to turn a corner into somber reflection.

Many things come and go through life - friends, jobs, deaths, significant others. But there is one circumstance that never goes away - everyone's perception of us. Our entire lives we hear the recurring, common message "don't care what other people think about you." Simply put, that's easier said than done.

Some individuals will attempt to take the flimsy message to heart. We see people pursue the slogan  in various ways - pompous athletes, blue haired punk rockers, your caped D&D players and class clowns. But few - very very few - manage to truly live out the idealistic message. However, all the defiance of authority or lack of normality fails to stop these people from becoming transparent; they still wear their hearts on their sleeves. And hanging from their sleeves is a billboard sized sign reading, "I haven't convinced myself; I do care what other people think of me."

The majority of us will go through life worried about how we convey ourselves and our overall demeanor, because we want everyone to adore everything about us...but that's completely unrealistic. The best you can hope for is narrowing that number of people whose opinion matters down to those who matter to you and you sincerely care about. For those you can't downsize that amount of people, life must be a living hell.

The struggle with keeping that list of people short is that we meet new people. The individuals who come and go through life will vary from a faceless coworker to someone who profoundly means something to you. And when it comes down to other's perception of us, there are two types of people.

Some people hold the past and what they hear about individuals against far too many people they meet. These people are shallow, show a lack of character and perhaps on some level hate themselves. They hold grudges, gossip and never take the time to legitimately get to know a person. They do this to protect themselves and make themselves feel better. Why? Maybe because no one has taken the time to see them for who they are - or at least who they want to be. Not all of these individuals are necessarily jealous of those they improperly prosecute but still show an inability to be genuine and admirable. Thankfully, there are better people out there.

Some people can see others for who they are at face value as well as on a deeper level. They use their human intuition, life experiences and faith in the belief there are good people out there - like them - to try to get to know a person before making harsh opinions. There are some issues in the past that must be known and certain individuals will never be able to live down - murder, assault, rape. But outside of those serious situations, how long can one hold petty circumstances and past choices against someone? The people who don't hold these trivial affairs against others are better than most, because whatever everyone else may judge an individual for, or whatever someone thinks others will judge them for - these people do not. They aren't afraid to ask questions and seek honesty even if it's not there in the end. Instead of making a blanketing judgment, they look deeper and realize there is more to a person than what can be easily assumed. For example, let's say I know a man named Gus. Gus is ALWAYS overbearingly positive...ALL THE TIME. I could assume this is because Gus is a crazy freak with no sense of reality. However, I don't. I bothered to take the time to talk to him and learn that Gus was diagnosed with a terminal illness when he was a kid and was given a 3% chance to live. Yet, here he is today. I'll admit that's an extreme hypothetical, but the instance provides reasoning for why you should think twice before reaching an eclipsing opinion about someone you've never truly tried to understand.

Everyone is aware taking the time to get to know someone and looking past everyone's masking judgement is the right thing to do, but far too many people are too lazy - or too selfish - to do the right thing. We are all guilty of this and should reconsider assuming someone is "a stubborn bitch" from what your friends have said and actually talk to that person. Sure, that person could still be an asshole, but at least you are a better human for attempting understand them - a habit that's important to build. There's also a good chance that person will appreciate your veracity.

We all have a natural longing for something - something beautiful we never can obtain. It's not a tangible object that comes and goes, but rather something that stares you in the face - genuine perception. What price would you pay to be appreciated and seen for exactly who you are? What value can you put on someone's ability to or sincerity to take the time to understand you as a person? The most unsettling fact is we may never know if that is truly possible.

What I Learned in LA: Los Angeles v. Chicago

I must apologize to my adoring readers for never composing a timely follow-up post about my trip to Los Angeles. My excuses for the lack of professionalism are valid:

1. I became very ill, but what the illness was is not known. I likely developed some sort of sickness from an overexposure to attractive women.

2. I was in a sketch comedy show, (Re)Zoned, which consumed quite a lot of time. In fact, I hate you, because you likely never came to see it.

3. I started a podcast with @sethwanta - The Windy City Welcoming Committee

4. #OwlProbz

Attempting to give a simple summary of my trip wouldn't be entertaining enough. No one wants to hear about ALL the make-outs with female celebrities I had, and ALL the times I ate every meal at the IHOP in Hollywood. The most enchanting part of my trip wasn't the homeless man draped in a large piece of carpet, but rather how different Los Angeles is compared to Chicago.

LA Mexican Nacho Champions 2013

In LA, they do a Mexican take on tacos and nachos

Everyone that isn't a nerd loves tacos and nachos. Taco Bell is a great option late at night, when you're studying or when you feel like having terrible diarrhea. Of course, there was an occasion in LA where I really wanted to go for some nachos. Little did I know...LA does nachos and tacos on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. In LA, they do a Mexican take on tacos and nachos. I know this sounds confusing. But imagine regular old nachos but with a Mexican twist. Seriously, it's crazy but CRAZY GOOD. I highly recommend you try Mexican nachos and tacos if you ever visit.

The women at the IHOP were terrifying.

When you get hammered - IHOPs starting popping up everywhere

Granted, we did stay across the street from an IHOP in Hollywood, but while sober I'm positive I didn't see any other International House of Pancakes anywhere. Somehow...after certain amounts of bourbon and certain amounts of 18 Monster energy drinks...IHOPs started popping up EVERYWHERE. We walked into a clubbish bar where they thought I was on the Disney Channel and let us in instantly. This place was on a cool side of LA that was filled with what I assumed were all A-list actors and the band Good Charlotte. Somehow when we left the establishment later that evening...an IHOP appeared across the street, which was not there when we walked in...and when we got back to our hotel, the In-N-Out Burger next door was serving pancakes....and the Hollywood Walk of Fame only had IHOPs and weirdos dressed up as Elvis handing out IHOP brochures. Yet, in the morning, none of these IHOP locations where there anymore - only the original one across the street, which I definitely ate at. #bourbondecisions

So judgemental

LA owls are totes different

I noticed the owls in LA are typically a little more standoff-ish towards strangers. In Chicago, they are either super mean or super nice. I did figure out that if you buy the owls bourbon they will open up to you and are generally good owls.

Improv groups in Chicago are also Communist

People in Chicago imrpov everything, and everyone in LA was like, "Line?"

LOL

Infamous Highway 405

Garbage on garbage

One of my favorite things about Chicago is now that the snow as melted there is literally garbage all over the place. From Busch Light cans to old Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, the Chicago snow hid the extreme amount of filth the city holds. In LA, there was plenty of garbage but in different places. Mostly the homeless people were wearing the garbage, but I also learned an interesting fact while driving there - Los Angeles is the city with the highest amount of garbage on the highways. Seriously, the amount of garbage on the highways is hysterical. I like the concept though. Have to make a commute to work and don't have time to take out the trash? No worries! Just throw it out your window on the way to work!

Someday, LC...Someday....

Lauren Conrad

Chicago doesn't have her, LA does...and I'm incredibly envious.

Have Your Mind Blown and Your B YOBed at (Re)Zoned: Tales from the Magical Twilight

I love shameless self-promotion. It's the easiest thing to market other than Simon Birch films.

I wanted to let you lovely people know of a super fantastic event going on in Chicago for the next three weeks. It's so good you have to buy tickets for it....

It is...

(Re)Zoned: Tales from the Magical Twilight

What's the catch? Catch? CATCH? You offend me, sir. Because this "catch" you speak of is the cheery on top of this sweet cake of golden oysters*. (Re)Zoned is a sketch comedy show by Corn Productions - who were paid enough money by my boys in the Lollipop Guild to allow me to be part of the acting ensemble. What's that? You need more background on the show? You are hoping this is a BYOB theater? You like people that talk like they are from 1953? GREAT.

(Re)Zoned offers a sketch comedy twist on the original sci-fi TV series, "The Twilight Zone," with some extraordinary magic and a killer house band, The Cell Phones, to guide you through the comedy vignettes and episode parodies - and to also help you keep your sanity. Oh, magic**? You didn't misread - magician Justin Purcell hosts the show, as he performs interactive magic with the audience that may blow your mind all over your program***. Brain splatter jumpsuits are not available at Corn - BYOJ (bring your own jumpsuit).

The best part is you don't have to have ever seen "The Twilight Zone" or even know what magic or a band is to enjoy the unhinged ride through the 5th dimension!

heygirlhey

More reasons to go:

1. It's BYOB.
2. You'll be in an audience, so it will seem like you have friends even though you don't.
3. The show is a good excuse to get out of grandma's house and stop bingeing on her medicine.
4. It's BYOB - that means you can bring alcohol into the building and drink it under no judgement****
5. Corn is now a horse free theater.*****
6. Waka Flocka Flame gave the show a GREAT Yelp review.

Magic or reality?

Meet the cast*****:

Ensemble -  Dustin Craig, Kamron Palmer, Alex St. John, Stephen Schumacher, Ivory Stahly, Antora Delong, Emily Forberg, Hannah Dobratz, Justin Purcell

Featuring in house band - The Cell Phones

Directed by Kevin Anderson

Stage Manager - Jes Mican


Tweet the deets:

(Re)Zoned runs Wednesdays through Saturdays at 8 p.m. Feb. 22 through March 23. Tickets are $7 on Wednesdays, $10 on Thursday and $15 on Fridays and Saturdays. Y'all can purchase tickets online , by  reserved calling 773-650-1331 or by purchasing them at the door.

Please come, because if you don't I'll find you lazy, sweaty sack of pancakes and cut off your big toes. lolz. See you there!

----------------------------------

* Available at Jewel-Osco one block from Corn.
** It's real magic - so don't bring anything you don't want sawed in half or turned into a dove.
*** Corn has recently gone Green. All programs are made from formerly blown minds.
**** Feral horses/ghost-horses in the audience who are recovering alcoholics will judge, but we have no control over them.
***** Physically, the theater is horse free. But mentally....
****** Some of the cast members are part horse - the hooves and tails are a dead give away on who.

What I Except on My Trip to LA

Part III of my pre-amp LA blogs! Make sure to check out my other two: "10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA" and "10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA."

I'm obviously looking forward to this trip considering I rarely have the opportunity for vacations. As CEO of a Fortune 500 Make out Company, work controls the majority of my life. However, even grownups need time to have some fun too.

Are my expectations too high for the trip? Far from it. I've done my research and educated myself on the California culture and how to properly prepare. With that being said, I would like to share with you What I expect on My Trip to LA. Enjoy, nerds.

Take a shower.

1. A lot of jobless tenant farmers

American author John Steinbeck has made it very clear California is where poor farmers from Oklahoma go to find work and avoid the never ended Dust Bowl, which has plagued the Great Plains of the United Sates for more than 80 years. There is rumor you can still find John Ford and Henry Fonda roaming the streets of Sacramento looking for odd jobs. That's also why I'm flying to LA. Route 66 is FILLED with smelly, penniless families looking to join unions and kill one another in peach orchards. I likely won't visit any peach orchards unless completely necessary. 

West Hollywood, CA

2. Greedy, gritty oil men

Yes, like many other Americans, I've thought about settling down in California to take my stake in gold as the rest of the nation focuses on cotton and tobacco. But I'm much wiser than that...I've seen "There Will Be Blood," and I'm aware former mineral prospectors eventually turn to the oil business to become wealthy murderers. And I'll be honest, the idea of having a deaf son who tries to lite people on fire, fighting with an annoying, young priest all the time and becoming an alcoholic bowler just doesn't seem very relaxing for a weekend. Still, I will have my eye out for Daniel Day-Lewis and his crazy milkshake dramatics.

Must be like looking in a mirror
for most Cali Ladies

3. Top notch California girls

I'm a fan of the way East coast girls dress, and even a bigger fan of how the girls down South talk. This isn't overlooking the Midwest farmer girls - they are great - and the Northern girls are definitely the best kissers. I've traveled all over the world and seen quite a variety of women, but I'm just excited to get back and see the cutest girls in the world - some California girls.

There's just something about green grass, sipping on gin and juice and laying beneath palm trees that makes these California gurls unforgettable. They still know how to rock daisy dukes and bikini tops with sun-kissed skin that just melts my popsicle. Ever since I partied with them, I fell in love. Especially since Snoop Dogg is always up for making an appearance. These gurls have a lot of other things to offer as well - bikinis, zucchinis  martinis, no weenies - literally anything you can think of. These gurls really represent the West coast.

Jackie Slater doing what he does best - groovin'.

4. "LA Rams - Ram It!"

You must watch the video in order to understand this gem of a song and outstanding moment in NFL history. I expect "Ram It!" to be on repeat most places I go - LAX, nightclubs, McDonald's, Lindsay Lohan's apartment - I've already learned the dance from Hollywood Hanson (#21) himself.

You got Bon Iver on vinyl?

5. Different types of hipsters

Chicago, without a doubt, breeds hipsters. Don't believe me? Head over to Wicker Park and tell me what you think. They are everywhere, but one must recognize there are definitely different classes of hipster. Check out this article in StyleCaster. A phenomenal piece of writing on the 12 types of hipsters. In Chicago, you will see these types of hipsters the most:

The Freak-folk Hippy-ster

"Guitar anthems, geometric patterns, Polaroids, hitch-hiking, lake-swimming, begetable loving, psychedelic-experimenting free-spirits. Think Devendra Banhart."

The Yuppie Hipster

"Do you own a Prius that still has an Obama sticker on the back? Do you want to make as much money as possible while appearing to not put much effort into anything? Yup-ster! Keychain, $3.95, Zazzle."

Health-ster

"Bicycle riding, Whole Foods shopping, art-galley going, Toms Shoes wearing, urban-gardening, yoga practicing, meditation-retreat attending, hipsters."

And one type of hipster you see everywhere:

Trendster

"Vintage mash up! Ironic, pop, or just loud and memorable. Probably owns some oversized reading glasses (most likely without prescription), frequents Urban Outfiters, fame-conscious, has bought at least one flannel shirt, fedora, and pair of cut-off shorts. Icon: the darling Alexi Wasser." - Also noted in Chicago

Hip to be square.

In LA, I think the hipsters might have an edge on what's currently in Chicago - they are closer to the roots of this lifestyle. The eclectic enclave of the Greater LA Area boasts some of the nation's most lauded food trucks and farmer's markets, a booming arts scene and one of the largest creative class communities in the country.  From Forbes, "Silver Lake, Los Angeles, CA is also home to some o the most avant garde Modernist architecture in North America." Although some hipster classes can be seen everywhere, I expect to particularily see these:

Elitist-hipster

"(The biggest haters of the term hipster). You're not a f*cking hipster, you're an artist. You don't keep up with teh trends, if something great comes out, you'll hear about it from your friends. Think Vincent Gallo."

Vintage-sters

"Past-grasping, Grunge, glam, '50s slick, early '70s folk fashion, mod punk etc. Clothing with idealism."

----

Related articles:

• "10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA"
• "10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA."

Hit me up on Twitta - @StephenSchu

10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA

Here it is - blog #2 pre-amping my trip to Los Angeles. Make sure to check out my last post, "10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA."

Going off that list, I also realize people in California, especially LA, are not a lot like those in the Midwest. Yes, I could make jokes about everyone around here being overweight...sausage fingers, beer drinking, Hoverounds....but I'm more pointing in the direction of that "Midwest charm," which apparently lacks in the City of Angels. However, I'm not on board with the "Midwest charm" being as great as everyone assumes. I see it as most people around the Midwest are nice to your face but then do the trash talking behind your back. Yes, everyone from the Midwest is pretty much the main cast of Mean Girls. The Californians are likely a little more honest and upfront about their thoughts about you. Regardless, as you look at my list of hopeful encounters, I'm aware there is the exact opposite roaming LA.

With this in light, there are some DEFINITE individuals who could ruin my trip if I run into them while there. So, I've created the 10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA. Read it up, nerds.

Just poopin' it up

1. Jay Cutler

Chicago Bear's QB Jay Cutler was a standout at Vanderbilt University and has had a decent career in the NFL - where he now ranks as "The Worst Team Leader in Sports." Granted, Cutler's overall mannerisms are depressing (that's just how he is), but when this guy screws up on the field or something goes wrong in a game - his lack of confidence and composure is flat-out pathetic. The last thing I need is his mopey face dragging my vacation down. I only fear running into him, because his girl, Kristin Cavallari, and I are kind of the same person...So, there is a solid chance her and I end up in the same places at least more than once - we both have this thing for Qdoba that's kind of hard to control. The only good thing about running into Cutler would be he and I could share insulin -- he's a Type 1 diabetic as well.

BBQ SAUCE! OOHHHH YEAAHH!

2. Guy Fieri

Yes, Guy Fieri is a ridiculous idiot who loves food and looks like a manager at Chili's, but that's not why I don't want to run into him. Actually, he featured Glenn's Diner (amazing) near me on his show "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives," which I thought was a great kudos to a very fine Chicago establishment. Regardless, I more fear seeing Mr. Fieri, because I believe he would find a way to interrupt my dinner date with Lauren Conrad. She and I will be out to eat at some place like Lucques, he'll pull up in his red convertible wearing those stupid sunglasses with his bleach blonde, spiked hair...do a brief monologue about the restaurant, and then walk over to us and start doing a candid interview right in the middle of me I'm throwing fastball after fastball pitches of schoolboy charm at LC.

"HEY!" says Guy Fieri with BBQ sauce all over his hands. "What do you think about the food at this place?"

Then I'll have to say something cool and collective with a "whatever" attitude like, "Yeah, it's pretty good. Makin' her smile, at least" as I point to LC and wink.

Long story short, Guy Fieri has ruined our date. I guess LC and I will have to hit up Les Deux Cafe nightclub early.

I hate her.

3. My 7th grade science teacher

We bucked heads all year in 2002, and I still won't forgive her for the D+ she gave me on my periodic table acoustic song set to the tune of  "Hand on the Pump" by Cypress Hill. 

"When I see ya punk a**/ I'm gonna get ya, / Gallium ya / F***ing do ya / Shotgun goes BORON!"

I GET IT, Willa. I GET IT!

4. That entourage of women celebrities who are in love with me - i.e. Hayden Panettiere, Lena Headey, Jessica Stroup, Emma Roberts, Lyndsy Fonseca, Willa Holland

Ugh, I  DO NOT need more women celebrities drooling over me. I've already made it very clear I'm holding out for Jennette McCurdy, but some of these girls just don't take "no" for an answer! It's like, "I get it Willa Holland! We had a fling that one week in Cedar Rapids, but we have to move on with our lives now! We are GROWN UPS! WE HAVE CAREERS! Ya, know?" You should see the texts I get from Lena and Emma...and I totally know they are together when they are sending them too - just awkwardly fighting over my heart that they will never get. I mean, give it up Jessica Stroup! It's like you're nailing JELL-O to the wall - a lot of work for nothing....but I mean, ugh, I did go to Junior Prom with Hayden....and I guess Lyndsy and I make sense if you compare our relationship to most Taylor Swift and Adele songs...Still, ladies, you need to stop. No more SnapChat pics to my work phone, please.

Draaaammmaaaa

5. Heidi Montag

After LC and I hit it off when I get there, and I see Heidi Montag at Starbucks......Awkward City, USA.

Enough is enough.

6. Chad Kroeger

I debated whether or not to throw a guy off the train the other week when I noticed he was listening to Nickelback. If I see lead singer and guitarist of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger, it will not end well. I likely will demand he takes back anything he has ever attempted to contribute to the music world, end his career and live the rest of his life out by giving talks at high schools about how bad music ruined his life and much of America's.

Yikes.

7. Justin Bieber

This little boy has caused me so much pain since his arrival to the music scene. My hair is my bread n' butter, and this little bag of turds stole my look, which has resulted in far too many people telling me I look like him - WHEN HE IS THE ONE LOOKING LIKE ME. To some extent, I will take the compliment since millions of girls obsess over the singing poop ball. Otherwise, it's upsetting for a 7-year-old to legit steal my look and then make it popular. I've been pulling off the sexy, hip-hop schoolboy look since you were just a tickle in your pappy's sack, jbiebs.

Lookin' at a big ol' diaper of an analyst.

8. Skip Bayless

Let me refer you to my fellow contributor's article regarding this shock jock of a sports analyst. I'm aware Skip gets paid to say what only 10% of his audience agrees with in an pompous fashion, because that's his character. However, if this is not a big put-on, Skip Bayless may be one of the most classless individuals to ever be a part of the world of sports. If I see him in LA, I'm going to tell him he is a very bad man and makes me sad. That should teach him to shut up.

This is where kids go when they die.

9. The old furnace from Home Alone

Absolutely terrifying. Running into this metal giant would be a huge buzz kill.

He's just the worst.

10. Seth Wanta

One of the main reasons I'm getting out of Chicago for a few days is to be as far away as possible from this giant toddler of a man. You don't know him? Oh, well, just follow him on Twitter then (@sethwanta). You'll quickly learn what it's like to be the part of the internal monologue of a male Betty Spaghetty with the personality of a less funny Jane Lynch. His gangly, awkwardness can stay in Chicago.

Hit me up in Twitta - @StephenSchu

10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA

As you may have read in publications such as Teen Vogue, I'm fortunate enough to be making a trip to Los Angeles this month. As a much sought after destination for living at some point in my career, I plan on taking full advantage of my time there by fully indulging in the the Hollywood culture.

With that being said, this will be the first of a series of blogs pre-amping my visit. Other than arguing with locals and wannabe actors about scripts I've read that they haven't by writers they should know about but I've completely made up, I have some things planned out I hope to accomplish. I've compiled these lists by simply asking myself, "Why do most people visit and live in LA?"

Answer: To see celebrities.

The American public is obsessed with the lives of famous individuals. So obsessed that they will do almost anything for even a small, personal acknowledgement from a star for the sheer enjoyment of that brief moment Meryl Streep knew they existed. And I'll admit I really am awful at recognizing most celebrities and knowing anything reasonable about them. However, there are a few I hold dear adoration for.

I've compiled a list of the 10 people I want to see while I'm in LA - in no particular order. Enjoy, nerds.

LC LC LC....

1. Lauren Conrad

Everyone is aware I'm still eyebrow deep in my "Hills" phase of life. I will publicly recognize this is a stage 14-year-old girls went through six years ago, but this doesn't ruin the fact I realllllllyyyyyy want to meet LC in person. I mean, I have so many questions for her! Such as, "Where did you get that scarf from in Season 4 episode 15?," "Have you ever walked in on Brody changing? LOL," or "Is it still cool to drink wine out of soda cans? Because if it is, I have Franzia and empty Diet Coke cans in my tote, and I know a GREAT spot at this Burger King on Sunset where we can hang out."

2. Jordy Nelson

White Lightening

Drafted in 2008 as the 5th pick in the 2nd round as the 38th overall pick by the Green Bay Packers in the NFL Draft, Jordy Nelson has become one of my favorite, active players in the NFL. His athletic ability, intelligence, good looks and commanding presence on the football field reminds me of what I would be like if I was an NFL wide-receiver. Likewise, I've never had the opportunity to actually meet him, which is especially sad considering I'm from Green Bay and attend obscene amounts of Packer games - but now is the perfect opportunity to change that. I'm aware he originally hails from Manhattan, Kansas and likely doesn't spend is off season clubbin' in the Hills, but who knows? I've ran into more random people other places, like all my step-dads hanging out together at Kmart.

Just thinking about me...

3. Lauren Conrad again

I mean, so, like...I'm totally assuming her and I will hit it off REALLY well during our first encounter. I'm then thinking she'll text me to meet up and have convenient monologues about how she was becoming really close friends with me on the intro of a new episode. I'll meet up with her at Gjelina on Abbot Kinney Blvd for dinner and then head over to AREA nightclub to meet all her friends. I'm then thinking the episode ends with the audience unsure about whether Lauren and I are "a thing" now or if it's totally plutonic, which I assume will be followed by a cancelation of the show once again.

Too much

4. Aziz if he's with Kanye

Much love for my boy Aziz Ansari who I feel I can call "my boy," because I saw his appearance on Conan live in Chicago. I'd be pretty pumped if I had a chance to talk to him so he can help me get my traveling puppet show on the map. I think Aziz is a funny, unique and intelligent comedian, but I also know from listening to his standup he has connections with Kanye West. That's no diss on Aziz either, but meeting Kanye West is probably like a fat person's first bite into a KFC chicken bucket - smooth as gravy.

5. Jennette McCurdy <3 <3 <3 lolwtflollllxoxoxo

It's a love story, baby, just say "yes."

If there will be ever a girl for me, without a doubt it is Jennette McCurdy. She's gorgeous, talented and  hilarious. If she was a movie and I was part of the Academy, she would win best Film Editing and Sound Mixing every year. Oh, "Why is she right for me?" you ask? Well, let's just see...

#1: We both have amazing hair.

#2: We both have Twitter.

#3: We are both so much funnier than everyone else it's fairly embarrassing for society.

#4: My Ouija Board and Magic 8 Ball have both told me she and I will get married like 7 out of 10 times.

#5: I think I'm the man who can finally make her an honest woman, by taking her out to dinner at that little place in Target.

#6: A boy can dream right?

I cannot correctly put words into this blog to describe how amazing running into Jennette would be. The successfulness of my trip is 90% banking on her and I having a romantic adventure somewhere - maybe Target again (I'm not great with date ideas). I mean, she will still go on a date with me even though I have diabetes, right?

Duh.

6. Drake Bell

He and I look so much alike it's a little ridiculous...NOT TO BE COMPARED TO HOW MUCH KEIRA KNIGHTLEY AND I LOOK ALIKE - THAT'S NOT DEBATABLE...My plan is to run into him on the street, freak him out so he thinks he is looking into a mirror when he sees me, we do that animated "copy each other's movements"  comedy bit - then never see each other again.

"The Duggars" also known as "Mumford & Sons"

7. Some of the Duggars

The Duggar family is well known for their TLC series, "19 Kids and Counting," which is a reality show revolving around Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar...and their 7,500 children....which means I have a pretty good chance of seeing at least a couple of those little rascals while i'm in LA - AM I RIGHT?

Pierre Escargot

8. The entire "All That" cast

I persume they all hang out together at almost all times, and big groups are much easier to spot. I'm aware some of the cast members may have grown out of the group due to success - Kennan Thompson (SNL), Amanda Bynes (What I Like About You), Lori Beth Denberg (Wendy's commercials), Jamie Lynn Spears (Teen Mom) - but they must still chill out in that pre-show/green room and cause HILARIOUS antics with one another. At the very least, I'm pretty sure Kel Mitchell and Josh Server aren't up to much these days.

This is why people don't shop
at Sears anymore.

9. Air Bud & Ty Pennington

They will likely be together, right? I see this as a win-win situation. I'll have the chance to tell Ty what an annoying douche he is and watch a multi-sport playing dog move a bus.

YAY America!

10. The Chocolate Cake from "Matilda"

Ever since witnessing Bruce, the childhood obesity-stricken boy from the 1996 film "Matilda," devour that ginormous chocolate cake infront of his entire school - I've wanted a piece of it. Side note: I hope that schoolbody realizes they were pretty much cheering that kid into losing a foot due to adult-onset Type 2 diabetes. Anyway, I've heard a rumor that the original cake was so big and so packed with preservatives that a few pieces are still floating around the United States. I'm hoping LA will have at least one of them. 

Hit me up on Twitta - @StephenSchu

Why I Want to Date a Magician

I've been single for a quite a long time, and choosing to be without a gal on muh arm can be fairly stressful for a Chicago celebrity on the rise. RedEye won't stop running stories about me being "The Most Eligible Diabetic Bachelor in Chicago"...At bars, girls try to use me to get them drinks and then snap a photo and throw it on Twitter to say they're dating me...BlackPeopleMeet.com has asked me to be their spokesperson like at least 15 times...

It's a lot to handle.

I've also told myself I've simply been waiting for the right girl to come along, and that I have a standard I need this woman to fulfill on all levels. However, defining my personal standard has always been a tad hazy. At first, I wanted to only date a girl who was Jennette McCurdy...then I went through a phase where I only wanted to date a girl who was Keira Knightley so we could have Super Keira Knightley kids...then I had a couple of months in there where I refused to date anyone but the entire main, female cast of "Mean Girls." This ever evolving standard has made picking out the perfect girl and forcing her to date me very difficult.

Until now. 

I finally realized what I really need in a woman. I seek the perfect girl just like any guy. I want a woman who is smart, witty, gorgeous, deep, cultured, open minded - who sees and loves me for who I really am. BUT there is one key element missing from my love equation that I recently became aware of that will make me fall head-over-heels for a girl:

I want to date a magician.

heygirlhey

Yes. A magician. Card tricks, costumes, velvet capes, successful entertainment career - a rare breed to say the least. Female magicians are overlooked and difficult to find - and that's why I want one. And, no, I've never met one before, but I can't imagine why the magician factor isn't what's been lacking in every girl I've taken interest in before...Many have been wonderful girls, but they've never been able to mesmerize me with optical illusions.

So, I'm sure by now every non-magician female out there reading this is about to throw their computer/smartphone/tablet at the wall, and their internal rage has built up to the point of developing a jealously brain aneurysm as they think, "WHAT THE HELL DOES A MAGICIAN HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?!" And I apologize, ladies, but I can explain through the list below of why having a magician girlfriend (MGF) is more beneficial than the average girl.

1.) Free doves*

Romance out of thin air

Doves are romantic and can be made into very good chocolate with cute messages inside the wrapper. Doves also represent many things - love, peace, the Holy Spirit, a metaphor - likewise, magicians have access to an unlimited supply of doves they store in a magic dimension where doves breed around the clock in order to fulfill their supply and demand quota.

Outside of having a never ending source of dove meat, doves could bring excitement to any day or traditional, household situation. For example:

It's the morning after my MGF's big show at IHOP, and she asks me to cook her some eggs for breakfast. As an experienced cook, I warm up the pan, crack a few eggs but suddenly...something goes wrong. As I reach to add a little oil to the eggs, the pan catches fire quickly, instantly scorching the eggs. My MGF swiftly comes to my rescue and slams another pan over the burning breakfast to extinguish the fire. We look into each other's eyes as mine glare with remorse for ruining her well deserved meal. Then there is a twinkle in her eye, she pulls a magic wand from her magic sack (connected to her belt) , strikes the top  pan twice with the wand, removes the cover...and a white dove flies out of the once flame engulfed pan and into the ceiling fan - killing it on impact. Dove breakfast at last.

2.) I like a girl in a sparkly vest*

So powerful but so sexy

Underrated. Absolutely underrated. Sparkled vests go with almost any outfit and will complement my Rhinestone Cowboy ensemble at formal events. Beyond the instant beauty of a woman in a sparkly vest, although not proven, the sparkly vest is thought to be the source of a magician's powers. Thus, the vest must be worn at all times, because magic powers can be handy in nearly any situation.

For example, a simple trip to the bank would be much more valuable with a female magician. She can request a withdrawal from our account, take the money from the teller, quickly wave her hands over it and make the money disappear. She then will convince the bank teller she never received the money and receive another sum of cash. This situation will continue until my MGF has vanished enough money to purchase the first 19 seasons of "The Cosby Show." When we get home, I'll begin slicing lemons to make lemon pie, and in the center of each lemon will be the once vanished bank money from earlier.

Magicians can also catch bullets while vested, which will make trips to the market on the bad side of town much safer.

3.) Getting past that awkward introduction to my parents will be easy when you cut me in half at their personal magic show!

Perfection

Parents are determined and have a success rate of 98% in making their first introduction to your significant other impressively uncomfortable. Whether they are excessively relaxed or exceptionally stiff and formal, the initial encounter is generally a pretty awful experience.

True story - I was getting pretty serious with two of the Olsen Twins at one point in college, but after I decided to bring them over to meet my rents and my parents refused to talk because there was a "Baby's Day Out" marathon on BET - they left me. THIS is when a woman magician counterpart will display one of their strongest benefits.

I will be able can take the power out of my parents hands by asking my MGF to hold a small, personal magic show for them. You can learn a lot about a person by witnessing how they escape from a water-filled tank. Can you imagine how swooned my dad will be when his head is placed inside a metal box with swords plunged through every side and he comes out unscathed??

And when my mother and my MGF need to have "the talk," there is no better way to have this momentous conversation than in two wicker chairs...SUSPENDED IN MID-AIR!

4.) Super kinky bedroom antics

Rawrrrrrrr

Arguably, everything about a magician is kinky. It's part of their mysterious lifestyle and DNA. So, just think about all the crazy mischief that will go on in the bedroom!

"Is this the condom you thought you were wearing?" she'll ask confidentially as she pulls it out of her top hat.

"Can't get it up? Well, I'll just tap it with my wand and say the magic words...." - instantly stiff as a horse.

"Do you recall that sword I swallowed at dinner? Watch as I remove it from your urethra."

I assume most of our bedroom antics will begin with her upside down and suspended in a straight jacket - my number one turn on.

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Now that you understand my reasoning, all I have to do is wait for some female magicians to submit their resumes to me through Twitter by tweetin' at me (@StephenSchu). I will also except video resumes through YouTube if the video involves you beginning by being locked inside a small trunk and then reappearing in my bedroom moments later.

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* = initial idea by @sethwanta