Short Story 2: All the pretty girls get off at Southport

All the pretty girls get off at Southport

By Stephen Schumacher

A little Hispanic man boards the Brown Line train in Chicago heading downtown slightly after 3:15 p.m. He's wearing a pair of faded blue jeans exhausted by the afternoon and a navy blue t-shirt with respect in the tags. He is like another little Hispanic man who boarded the train earlier. Neither very tall, neither in tuxedos and no matter how young and zestful they actually are - their demeanors are matured and worn.

He boards in clumsy steps carrying a small, plastic bag with a such a focused look on his face his enduring eyes twitch until they drag him to the end of the train car where he hopes to grab one of the two single seats facing one another. He goes about this train seat acquisition with such determination the train's structure begins to wonder if someone once told this man in secret, "Hey, you know those two single seats at the end of the train car that face each other? Those are the best."

Although several other seats are available, these two spots are of top priority for the non-tuxedo caballero. The man succeeds to grab the remaining spot on the left. His personality and burdens sink into and fuse with the plastic, metal and fabric.

He stays on board a few stops - only a few minutes - resting with his eyes shut the entire trip. Yet, he wisely feels the air change from stop to stop and knows when the train arrives at his destination. He can also hear the automated voice howling from its speakers like a urologist, “Paulina is next, doors open on the right at Paulina.”

He quickly jumps from his seat, dragging his bag behind him like a sweaty sack of pancakes as he walks a few steps and gives a postpartum look back at his vacated spot. Nearing the door while the train decelerates, the Hispanic cavalier grabs onto the railing and takes one last glance at his Brown Line thrown before exiting. It's like a sad little game of musical chairs.

Grief does strange things to us.

All the pretty girls get off at Southport.

*Follow me on Twitta - @StephenSchu

The Sites, Sounds and Abnormal People of Chicago

Wendy's eating gear, now on sale at Target.

If "people watching" was a sport, I would for sure have played D-II in college. Oh, and don't you dare judge myself or others for doing so, because gawking at the number weirdos you see every day is an impossible hobby to avoid.

After moving to Chicago, it took me very little time to realize how much better the art of observing others had improved. It was like I upgraded from diapers to Pull-Ups. I've had way too much fun taking pictures and commenting on the people I see via social media. In Chicago, it's almost intense how many weirdos are around you at work, on the train or out in public -- owning a few pairs of sunglasses is a must.

If you don't follow me on Twitter (@StephenSchu), then you've missed out on some of the greatest reporting of the actions and individuals I've seen in Chi during my four months here. Likewise, since I'm only followed by the director of "Baby's Day Out" and my parents on Twitter, I feel it's appropriate to share these pictures and comments from yours truly with my blogging community. Enjoy:

Call me maybe - Tabasco Sauce Queen?

Sept. 20 - "No need to apologize for violently burping outloud, ma'am. Your casual wear of water aerobic shoes screamed weird well before the acid reflux."

June 25 - "Fairly ideal running weather outside today in Chicago. And according to the woman by the liquor store, also a good day to spit on people."

Aug. 15- "I'm kind of a fan of this weird guy at the office. I'm pretty sure he only gets paid to sneeze and drink Big Gulps, but I like him."

Sept. 19 - "No, sir. I didn't make that face at you because you smell of cigs. It was, because, you know, you were eating things out of your fingernails."

Aug. 18 - "The dude in the Disney shirt kissing his girlfriend's neck and back on the train really gave me hope that I will find love some day."

Ey, gurl. Wat's yo name? Wat's yo sign?

Sept. 12 - "Someone was playing "Heart of Gold" out loud on their phone in the bathroom, followed by "Bad to the Bone." 70-80s rock has GREAT fiber."

Sept. 17 - "Mystery Bathroom Stall DJ continues today with "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper & "Can't Get You Out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue #MusicFiber"

July 31- "Absolutely convinced the large woman sitting next to me on the train used Funfetti Cake Mix as her perfume this morning."

Sept. 11- "As kind of you as it was to sneeze on the sports section of your paper and then offer it to me to read on the train, no thank you, sir."

Sept. 7 - "The guy casually walking around and shaving with an electric razor at our office should be beaten to a bloody pulp and thrown out the window."

Aug. 23 - "Whoever is habitually urinating all over the floor by the urinals at work- I promise I will find you and mop the pee up with your hair."

Sept. 3 - "I was just going to complain about how no one was blasting Gucci Mane at our apartment complex! Thanks, 37-year-old single woman!"

I have the same hat...

Sept. 18 - "Oh, no worries, dude. We all really wanted to listen to your Papa Roach ringtone on our way to work this morning."

Aug. 31 - "To the dude eating Chick-fil-a with gloves on: Let's hang out later!"

Sept. 12 - "I missed a great photo opportunity: Nothing says productive like a suite coat and snow pants."

Aug. 27 - "I was absolutely certain I just saw the real life Bilbo Baggins, but, alas, it was a woman."

Aug. 23 - "To the dude wearing a Lolla wristband on the Brown Line - It's time to move on."

Aug. 15 - "Unrealistic how bad everyone smells on the train right now. Has all of Chicago completely thrown the act of hygiene out the window?"

June 4 - "At least 15 hipsters just boarded the Red Line. What do I do? I'm surrounded and wearing a suite. Do I offer them PBR as a peace offering?"

On the verge of tears...while reading a Batman comic.

Aug. 11 - "Two clowns just drove by in a Camry."

Aug. 5 - "If one more fat person with a coffee obstructs my walking path by woddling into it today, I'm stealing the mini-fan out of their other hand."

Aug. 30 - "I'm not sure if I want to embrace this guy with a hug I can see looking at Muppet memes or punch him in the head."

July 30 - "A large woman yelled at my for getting too close to her bag of McDonald's while I was walking to lunch."

July 2 - "Something about the people purchasing Chicago souvenir items from Walgreens is innately depressing."

June 24 - "I thought I saw an unattractive pregnant girl, but it was a fat gross man."

Aug. 29 - "I like this guy at the office who wears floral shirts and gets paid to meander around in old running shoes and eat almonds."

June 19 - "Why are the loudest people on the 'L' always also the most obese?"

Sept. 4 - "And seeing that fat woman on an adult tricycle has officially completed my day."

Best seat in the whole city.

Another stumper.