Chicago Summertime Activities

I hope the Bachelor chooses me!

Summer is right around the corner and right on cue with the warmer weather is an influx of girls posting past pictures and comments on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram saying something along the lines of:

"TAKE ME BACK TO SUMMER!!! <3 <3"

"Can't wait!!! [insert picture of their cliche dog in a t-shirt on a beach with a cliche sunset]."

"I love cupcakes! Ryan Gosling marry me! [insert picture of a girl who has gained a lot of weight since college shoving a Burger King meal with frosting all over it in her mouth."

Outside of how annoying I find these posts, I SUPPOSE they are correct - Ryan Gosling loves girls who eat Burger King. Also, these individuals are correct in stating summer is a godsend after a Midwest winter. Thankfully, Chicago isn't quite Green Bay or upper Wisco/Minnesota during the winter season, and we haven't seen snow in Chicago in quite a while (cross your fingers). BUT just as annoying as those posts are....the amount of Chicagoans bragging about "Chi-Town summer" becomes BEYOND overwhelming.

As much as I like seeing all the city pigeons huddled and pooping under the heating lamps on the "L" platforms in winter, I'm willing to accept the excessive bragging for what Chicago has to offer when the city is coupled with warm weather. If you are looking to make a visit, are new to Chicago or are bored as a horse at work reading this, I'm going to provide you wizards with a list of Chicago summertime activities! Enjoy ya, fart-holes!

DEATH BY SEAGULL

Beaches

I'll admit I'm a sucker for laying on the beach by the Great Lakes and gettin' tanner than a bear. With multiple beaches along the lake shore, you'll find these are killer destinations for those diarrhea-hot, summer days. What in the world could be better than dudes selling beer out of their personal coolers, grown men selling cotton candy when it's 101 degrees out and swarms of seagulls attacking families?

Ground zero

The Smell of Urine In the Loop and Downtown Area

When I was visiting Chicago for a job interview before I moved here, the men at 7 a.m. downtown washing the outside corners of buildings out with buckets of soap and water should have been a sign of the horrific smells to come. As the temperature rises, the sun's rays heat the city of Chicago streets to bring the overwhelming smell of urine to a boiling point. If that's not enough, I've noticed quite a strong smell of poop in some neighborhoods with no farmland to be found. You'll see many tourists taking pictures of their families absorbing the pee soaked air throughout the Loop. CAUTION: DO NOT WEAR WHITE CLOTHING - IT WILL TURN YELLOW IF EXPOSED TO THE PEE AIR MORE THAN 45 MINUTES

BYOB 24/7 Dentist Offices

#yolo

Chicago residents will also brag (and rightfully so) about all the restaurants and theaters that are BYOB. The ability to bring alcohol to a location and not purchase it there is nice on the wallet and a fun, unique experience for establishments.

As much as we all love indulging in culinary delights, sometimes our teeth do not. 75% of major toothaches happen between 1-6:30 a.m., and that's where Chicago pulls ahead of other cities; we have the world's only 24/7 BYOB dentist offices. Not only may you have that cavity filled at 3:19 a.m., but they encourage you to be hammered for it! The high levels of intoxication save them from spending money on pricey painkillers.

The little servants there are AMAZING

Navy Pier

I personally love attending Navy Pier's live-action military naval battles on Wednesday evenings, but for those who are disinterested in bloodshed, Navy Pier has other perks. Consider the large Ferris wheel - world famous for its notorious make out and hand-job opportunities while riding. If sexual favors aren't your pleasure, try eating something for $50 that tastes very average!

Go ahead and get at me, ladies.

Babysitter Clubs

A slang term for where sluts hangout - i.e. WHEREVER I AM!

Players from a sport no one cares about nevertasted so good...

Fresh Chicago Oranges

Florida ain't got nothing on the delicious, organic oranges grown in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago! Do you really think all the college students live in that area because of DePaul University? NOPE! It's because of the insane amount of Chicago orange bushes lining the streets! Nothing screams summer like orange treats such as:

- Oranges
- Orange drink (orange juice)
- Orange peel pancakes
- Orange peels n' salt
- Freshly squeezed orange-milk
- Orange mayonnaise
- Orange-ka-bobs (oranges on a stick, grilled and wrapped in horse hair)
- Fleshy orange (pieces of the player's skin of the Chicago Fire soccer team soaked in orange juice)

As you can tell, there is something in Chicago for everyone. Whether you're black, white, African American or Caucasian - we all can have fun in Pee-Town! (same thing a "Chi-Town) I can almost taste the fleshy orange now....

What I Learned in LA: Los Angeles v. Chicago

I must apologize to my adoring readers for never composing a timely follow-up post about my trip to Los Angeles. My excuses for the lack of professionalism are valid:

1. I became very ill, but what the illness was is not known. I likely developed some sort of sickness from an overexposure to attractive women.

2. I was in a sketch comedy show, (Re)Zoned, which consumed quite a lot of time. In fact, I hate you, because you likely never came to see it.

3. I started a podcast with @sethwanta - The Windy City Welcoming Committee

4. #OwlProbz

Attempting to give a simple summary of my trip wouldn't be entertaining enough. No one wants to hear about ALL the make-outs with female celebrities I had, and ALL the times I ate every meal at the IHOP in Hollywood. The most enchanting part of my trip wasn't the homeless man draped in a large piece of carpet, but rather how different Los Angeles is compared to Chicago.

LA Mexican Nacho Champions 2013

In LA, they do a Mexican take on tacos and nachos

Everyone that isn't a nerd loves tacos and nachos. Taco Bell is a great option late at night, when you're studying or when you feel like having terrible diarrhea. Of course, there was an occasion in LA where I really wanted to go for some nachos. Little did I know...LA does nachos and tacos on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. In LA, they do a Mexican take on tacos and nachos. I know this sounds confusing. But imagine regular old nachos but with a Mexican twist. Seriously, it's crazy but CRAZY GOOD. I highly recommend you try Mexican nachos and tacos if you ever visit.

The women at the IHOP were terrifying.

When you get hammered - IHOPs starting popping up everywhere

Granted, we did stay across the street from an IHOP in Hollywood, but while sober I'm positive I didn't see any other International House of Pancakes anywhere. Somehow...after certain amounts of bourbon and certain amounts of 18 Monster energy drinks...IHOPs started popping up EVERYWHERE. We walked into a clubbish bar where they thought I was on the Disney Channel and let us in instantly. This place was on a cool side of LA that was filled with what I assumed were all A-list actors and the band Good Charlotte. Somehow when we left the establishment later that evening...an IHOP appeared across the street, which was not there when we walked in...and when we got back to our hotel, the In-N-Out Burger next door was serving pancakes....and the Hollywood Walk of Fame only had IHOPs and weirdos dressed up as Elvis handing out IHOP brochures. Yet, in the morning, none of these IHOP locations where there anymore - only the original one across the street, which I definitely ate at. #bourbondecisions

So judgemental

LA owls are totes different

I noticed the owls in LA are typically a little more standoff-ish towards strangers. In Chicago, they are either super mean or super nice. I did figure out that if you buy the owls bourbon they will open up to you and are generally good owls.

Improv groups in Chicago are also Communist

People in Chicago imrpov everything, and everyone in LA was like, "Line?"

LOL

Infamous Highway 405

Garbage on garbage

One of my favorite things about Chicago is now that the snow as melted there is literally garbage all over the place. From Busch Light cans to old Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, the Chicago snow hid the extreme amount of filth the city holds. In LA, there was plenty of garbage but in different places. Mostly the homeless people were wearing the garbage, but I also learned an interesting fact while driving there - Los Angeles is the city with the highest amount of garbage on the highways. Seriously, the amount of garbage on the highways is hysterical. I like the concept though. Have to make a commute to work and don't have time to take out the trash? No worries! Just throw it out your window on the way to work!

Someday, LC...Someday....

Lauren Conrad

Chicago doesn't have her, LA does...and I'm incredibly envious.

Have Your Mind Blown and Your B YOBed at (Re)Zoned: Tales from the Magical Twilight

I love shameless self-promotion. It's the easiest thing to market other than Simon Birch films.

I wanted to let you lovely people know of a super fantastic event going on in Chicago for the next three weeks. It's so good you have to buy tickets for it....

It is...

(Re)Zoned: Tales from the Magical Twilight

What's the catch? Catch? CATCH? You offend me, sir. Because this "catch" you speak of is the cheery on top of this sweet cake of golden oysters*. (Re)Zoned is a sketch comedy show by Corn Productions - who were paid enough money by my boys in the Lollipop Guild to allow me to be part of the acting ensemble. What's that? You need more background on the show? You are hoping this is a BYOB theater? You like people that talk like they are from 1953? GREAT.

(Re)Zoned offers a sketch comedy twist on the original sci-fi TV series, "The Twilight Zone," with some extraordinary magic and a killer house band, The Cell Phones, to guide you through the comedy vignettes and episode parodies - and to also help you keep your sanity. Oh, magic**? You didn't misread - magician Justin Purcell hosts the show, as he performs interactive magic with the audience that may blow your mind all over your program***. Brain splatter jumpsuits are not available at Corn - BYOJ (bring your own jumpsuit).

The best part is you don't have to have ever seen "The Twilight Zone" or even know what magic or a band is to enjoy the unhinged ride through the 5th dimension!

heygirlhey

More reasons to go:

1. It's BYOB.
2. You'll be in an audience, so it will seem like you have friends even though you don't.
3. The show is a good excuse to get out of grandma's house and stop bingeing on her medicine.
4. It's BYOB - that means you can bring alcohol into the building and drink it under no judgement****
5. Corn is now a horse free theater.*****
6. Waka Flocka Flame gave the show a GREAT Yelp review.

Magic or reality?

Meet the cast*****:

Ensemble -  Dustin Craig, Kamron Palmer, Alex St. John, Stephen Schumacher, Ivory Stahly, Antora Delong, Emily Forberg, Hannah Dobratz, Justin Purcell

Featuring in house band - The Cell Phones

Directed by Kevin Anderson

Stage Manager - Jes Mican


Tweet the deets:

(Re)Zoned runs Wednesdays through Saturdays at 8 p.m. Feb. 22 through March 23. Tickets are $7 on Wednesdays, $10 on Thursday and $15 on Fridays and Saturdays. Y'all can purchase tickets online , by  reserved calling 773-650-1331 or by purchasing them at the door.

Please come, because if you don't I'll find you lazy, sweaty sack of pancakes and cut off your big toes. lolz. See you there!

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* Available at Jewel-Osco one block from Corn.
** It's real magic - so don't bring anything you don't want sawed in half or turned into a dove.
*** Corn has recently gone Green. All programs are made from formerly blown minds.
**** Feral horses/ghost-horses in the audience who are recovering alcoholics will judge, but we have no control over them.
***** Physically, the theater is horse free. But mentally....
****** Some of the cast members are part horse - the hooves and tails are a dead give away on who.

Short Story 2: All the pretty girls get off at Southport

All the pretty girls get off at Southport

By Stephen Schumacher

A little Hispanic man boards the Brown Line train in Chicago heading downtown slightly after 3:15 p.m. He's wearing a pair of faded blue jeans exhausted by the afternoon and a navy blue t-shirt with respect in the tags. He is like another little Hispanic man who boarded the train earlier. Neither very tall, neither in tuxedos and no matter how young and zestful they actually are - their demeanors are matured and worn.

He boards in clumsy steps carrying a small, plastic bag with a such a focused look on his face his enduring eyes twitch until they drag him to the end of the train car where he hopes to grab one of the two single seats facing one another. He goes about this train seat acquisition with such determination the train's structure begins to wonder if someone once told this man in secret, "Hey, you know those two single seats at the end of the train car that face each other? Those are the best."

Although several other seats are available, these two spots are of top priority for the non-tuxedo caballero. The man succeeds to grab the remaining spot on the left. His personality and burdens sink into and fuse with the plastic, metal and fabric.

He stays on board a few stops - only a few minutes - resting with his eyes shut the entire trip. Yet, he wisely feels the air change from stop to stop and knows when the train arrives at his destination. He can also hear the automated voice howling from its speakers like a urologist, “Paulina is next, doors open on the right at Paulina.”

He quickly jumps from his seat, dragging his bag behind him like a sweaty sack of pancakes as he walks a few steps and gives a postpartum look back at his vacated spot. Nearing the door while the train decelerates, the Hispanic cavalier grabs onto the railing and takes one last glance at his Brown Line thrown before exiting. It's like a sad little game of musical chairs.

Grief does strange things to us.

All the pretty girls get off at Southport.

*Follow me on Twitta - @StephenSchu

Come See the Theater Debut of "Roseannkenstein!"

I'm not usually into self-promotion....Ha, who am I kidding? I sell trading cards of myself at Hispanic thrifts stores on weekends, but that's beside the point. I wanted to let you lovely people know about something BIG that's happening in the Greater Chicago Area. Something SO BIG, you have to buy tickets to see it...

It is.....

Roseannkenstein: The Ballad of Roseanne, As Told By Frankenstein's Monster

And here's the hook...I'M IN THE PLAY! "What's it about," you ask? "What kind of play," you wonder? "Can I bring my pet owl or owl family," you ponder?? Then read below!!

First off, yes; it's that Roseanne...The lovable, snarky comedy queen from that hit TV show you either really like or have barely seen. As Roseanne prepares for her favorite holiday of all, Halloween, something mysterious is happening in a far away country of old - Geneva, Switzerland - where Dr. Frankenstein* is finishing his preparations to bring his creation to life when suddenly Roseanne and Frankenstein's monster switch places, Freaky Friday style (minus the Lohan).

By now I'm sure you're thinking this is definitely a romance/drama - well, you're wrong. This is an original sitcomy, dark comedy written by Seth Wanta, and "Roseannkenstein" is making it's theater debut this weekend. The best part is you don't have to have ever seen "Roseanne" or read Mary Shelley's epic tale to fall in love with the play - you can sit back and enjoy the HILARIOUS comedic situations that ensue. You must provide your own owl tamer but you may trade-in your owl poop after the show for cash**

More reasons to go:

1. I'll be barefoot.

2. You get to sit down.

3. Laughing prevents foot bunions.

4. If you're cute I'll wink at you not four*** but five**** times during the show.

5. You'll be in an audience, so it will seem like you have friends even though you don't.

Maybe you know one of these way funnier and more talented people in the cast:

Victor Frankenstein - Richard Anderson
Elizabeth Frankenstein - Erin Thorn
Agatha / Kid - Haylee Coburn
The Creature - Stephen Schumacher
Igor/ Kid - Jodi McGrath
Roseanne Conner - Charlie Irving
Dan Conner - Kevin O'Connell
Kathy Loveless - Jules Reid

Directed by: Marla Jacob
Written by: Seth Wanta

Tweet the deets: 

Fridays and Saturdays at 7:30 p.m. from Oct. 19-27
Gorilla Tango Theater - 7924 Lincoln Ave., Skokie, IL
$15/ticket - visit the website or buy at the door.

Please come, because if you don't I'll find you lazy, sweaty sack of pancakes and cut off your big toes. lolz. See you there!

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*You may feed your owl while Dr. Frankenstein is on stage - he throws owl feed into the audience and has a very calming presence, which owls like.

** Owl poop trade-in scale: 1 mouse skeleton = 1 paper moneys, 2 mouse skeletons = 1.78 paper moneys etc.

*** If I give you four winks, I still will kiss you out by your car after the show, but you aren't cute and won't get my number.

**** If I give you five winks, you'll get to make love to me after the show and help me finish eating my post-play oatmeal.

The Sites, Sounds and Abnormal People of Chicago

Wendy's eating gear, now on sale at Target.

If "people watching" was a sport, I would for sure have played D-II in college. Oh, and don't you dare judge myself or others for doing so, because gawking at the number weirdos you see every day is an impossible hobby to avoid.

After moving to Chicago, it took me very little time to realize how much better the art of observing others had improved. It was like I upgraded from diapers to Pull-Ups. I've had way too much fun taking pictures and commenting on the people I see via social media. In Chicago, it's almost intense how many weirdos are around you at work, on the train or out in public -- owning a few pairs of sunglasses is a must.

If you don't follow me on Twitter (@StephenSchu), then you've missed out on some of the greatest reporting of the actions and individuals I've seen in Chi during my four months here. Likewise, since I'm only followed by the director of "Baby's Day Out" and my parents on Twitter, I feel it's appropriate to share these pictures and comments from yours truly with my blogging community. Enjoy:

Call me maybe - Tabasco Sauce Queen?

Sept. 20 - "No need to apologize for violently burping outloud, ma'am. Your casual wear of water aerobic shoes screamed weird well before the acid reflux."

June 25 - "Fairly ideal running weather outside today in Chicago. And according to the woman by the liquor store, also a good day to spit on people."

Aug. 15- "I'm kind of a fan of this weird guy at the office. I'm pretty sure he only gets paid to sneeze and drink Big Gulps, but I like him."

Sept. 19 - "No, sir. I didn't make that face at you because you smell of cigs. It was, because, you know, you were eating things out of your fingernails."

Aug. 18 - "The dude in the Disney shirt kissing his girlfriend's neck and back on the train really gave me hope that I will find love some day."

Ey, gurl. Wat's yo name? Wat's yo sign?

Sept. 12 - "Someone was playing "Heart of Gold" out loud on their phone in the bathroom, followed by "Bad to the Bone." 70-80s rock has GREAT fiber."

Sept. 17 - "Mystery Bathroom Stall DJ continues today with "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper & "Can't Get You Out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue #MusicFiber"

July 31- "Absolutely convinced the large woman sitting next to me on the train used Funfetti Cake Mix as her perfume this morning."

Sept. 11- "As kind of you as it was to sneeze on the sports section of your paper and then offer it to me to read on the train, no thank you, sir."

Sept. 7 - "The guy casually walking around and shaving with an electric razor at our office should be beaten to a bloody pulp and thrown out the window."

Aug. 23 - "Whoever is habitually urinating all over the floor by the urinals at work- I promise I will find you and mop the pee up with your hair."

Sept. 3 - "I was just going to complain about how no one was blasting Gucci Mane at our apartment complex! Thanks, 37-year-old single woman!"

I have the same hat...

Sept. 18 - "Oh, no worries, dude. We all really wanted to listen to your Papa Roach ringtone on our way to work this morning."

Aug. 31 - "To the dude eating Chick-fil-a with gloves on: Let's hang out later!"

Sept. 12 - "I missed a great photo opportunity: Nothing says productive like a suite coat and snow pants."

Aug. 27 - "I was absolutely certain I just saw the real life Bilbo Baggins, but, alas, it was a woman."

Aug. 23 - "To the dude wearing a Lolla wristband on the Brown Line - It's time to move on."

Aug. 15 - "Unrealistic how bad everyone smells on the train right now. Has all of Chicago completely thrown the act of hygiene out the window?"

June 4 - "At least 15 hipsters just boarded the Red Line. What do I do? I'm surrounded and wearing a suite. Do I offer them PBR as a peace offering?"

On the verge of tears...while reading a Batman comic.

Aug. 11 - "Two clowns just drove by in a Camry."

Aug. 5 - "If one more fat person with a coffee obstructs my walking path by woddling into it today, I'm stealing the mini-fan out of their other hand."

Aug. 30 - "I'm not sure if I want to embrace this guy with a hug I can see looking at Muppet memes or punch him in the head."

July 30 - "A large woman yelled at my for getting too close to her bag of McDonald's while I was walking to lunch."

July 2 - "Something about the people purchasing Chicago souvenir items from Walgreens is innately depressing."

June 24 - "I thought I saw an unattractive pregnant girl, but it was a fat gross man."

Aug. 29 - "I like this guy at the office who wears floral shirts and gets paid to meander around in old running shoes and eat almonds."

June 19 - "Why are the loudest people on the 'L' always also the most obese?"

Sept. 4 - "And seeing that fat woman on an adult tricycle has officially completed my day."

Best seat in the whole city.

Another stumper.

Moving to Chicago: A Hipster's Tale

I recently made a move to Chicago for hopes the proximity switch would create a larger window of opportunity. I could carve paragraph after paragraph about the Chicago job market into the hard wood floor under the throw rug in the living room of the apartment I'm staying in with a spoon; but I'll save that for Friday.

Chicago has been remarkable so far. The endless, niche options of bars, restaurants and dental offices speaks wonders of the complexity of a big city. I've already withheld my true professional sport team preferences and saw a Cubs game at historic Wrigley Field; I've seen bits and pieces of the night life and ice cream salesmen on the beaches; and I've noticed there are not enough places to get coffee.  

One of the most confusing and intriguing observations I've came across is the similarity of appearance between the female population around my age. All the girls I know from Chicago look like every girl in Chicago. This "Chicago look" includes big sunglasses, free flowing clothes, longer hair tagged with a bit of new wave/ indie upper-class sophistication. Every day I think I see someone I know from college, and it's just another random Chicago girl mixed amongst the increasing number of hipsters escaping their home in Wicker Park. Seriously, the superior status of hipsters in Chicago and bohemian urge makes me feel like I'm living in 1960s Greenwich Village -- but that's a whole different blog I'll carve into the wooden cabinets while everyone else here is sleeping before I move into my own place.

In my free time I've told a few friends about my move down here or have been approached by others about it (apparently word travels fast when you look exactly like a male Keira Knightley). I'm obviously fairly naive about getting around the city and am fortunate to be staying with friends who know the area very well. Likewise, I'm fascinated by how many of my friends who I thought were from the real city of Chicago are actually from the suburbs and have equal or less knowledge on how to get around the actual city or where specific locations are.

One of my favorite traits of the city is the convenient utilization of public transit and walking. Whether we're riding the "L" or walking around, I'm a huge fan of not using a car and saving money. Many jobs will pay for your commuter costs as well -- making these rides all the better. In addition to the public transit's financial advantages, every trip has a tank full of hilarity and awkwardness. The train rides are often packed to the brim full of business professionals, overweight travelers and whatever blew in from the circus. My personal favorite are the individuals refusing to grab onto the railings while the trains is moving when no seats are available -- as if they are too good for them -- which results in the person constantly almost tipping over.

Big cities have boundless features to love or hate -- and this Keira is hitting the "love" button a lot on his dashboard of discovery. Chicago is an exciting place to be, full of opportunity, enjoyment and terrifying mannequins at H&M.