Why I Want to Date a Magician

I've been single for a quite a long time, and choosing to be without a gal on muh arm can be fairly stressful for a Chicago celebrity on the rise. RedEye won't stop running stories about me being "The Most Eligible Diabetic Bachelor in Chicago"...At bars, girls try to use me to get them drinks and then snap a photo and throw it on Twitter to say they're dating me...BlackPeopleMeet.com has asked me to be their spokesperson like at least 15 times...

It's a lot to handle.

I've also told myself I've simply been waiting for the right girl to come along, and that I have a standard I need this woman to fulfill on all levels. However, defining my personal standard has always been a tad hazy. At first, I wanted to only date a girl who was Jennette McCurdy...then I went through a phase where I only wanted to date a girl who was Keira Knightley so we could have Super Keira Knightley kids...then I had a couple of months in there where I refused to date anyone but the entire main, female cast of "Mean Girls." This ever evolving standard has made picking out the perfect girl and forcing her to date me very difficult.

Until now. 

I finally realized what I really need in a woman. I seek the perfect girl just like any guy. I want a woman who is smart, witty, gorgeous, deep, cultured, open minded - who sees and loves me for who I really am. BUT there is one key element missing from my love equation that I recently became aware of that will make me fall head-over-heels for a girl:

I want to date a magician.

heygirlhey

Yes. A magician. Card tricks, costumes, velvet capes, successful entertainment career - a rare breed to say the least. Female magicians are overlooked and difficult to find - and that's why I want one. And, no, I've never met one before, but I can't imagine why the magician factor isn't what's been lacking in every girl I've taken interest in before...Many have been wonderful girls, but they've never been able to mesmerize me with optical illusions.

So, I'm sure by now every non-magician female out there reading this is about to throw their computer/smartphone/tablet at the wall, and their internal rage has built up to the point of developing a jealously brain aneurysm as they think, "WHAT THE HELL DOES A MAGICIAN HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?!" And I apologize, ladies, but I can explain through the list below of why having a magician girlfriend (MGF) is more beneficial than the average girl.

1.) Free doves*

Romance out of thin air

Doves are romantic and can be made into very good chocolate with cute messages inside the wrapper. Doves also represent many things - love, peace, the Holy Spirit, a metaphor - likewise, magicians have access to an unlimited supply of doves they store in a magic dimension where doves breed around the clock in order to fulfill their supply and demand quota.

Outside of having a never ending source of dove meat, doves could bring excitement to any day or traditional, household situation. For example:

It's the morning after my MGF's big show at IHOP, and she asks me to cook her some eggs for breakfast. As an experienced cook, I warm up the pan, crack a few eggs but suddenly...something goes wrong. As I reach to add a little oil to the eggs, the pan catches fire quickly, instantly scorching the eggs. My MGF swiftly comes to my rescue and slams another pan over the burning breakfast to extinguish the fire. We look into each other's eyes as mine glare with remorse for ruining her well deserved meal. Then there is a twinkle in her eye, she pulls a magic wand from her magic sack (connected to her belt) , strikes the top  pan twice with the wand, removes the cover...and a white dove flies out of the once flame engulfed pan and into the ceiling fan - killing it on impact. Dove breakfast at last.

2.) I like a girl in a sparkly vest*

So powerful but so sexy

Underrated. Absolutely underrated. Sparkled vests go with almost any outfit and will complement my Rhinestone Cowboy ensemble at formal events. Beyond the instant beauty of a woman in a sparkly vest, although not proven, the sparkly vest is thought to be the source of a magician's powers. Thus, the vest must be worn at all times, because magic powers can be handy in nearly any situation.

For example, a simple trip to the bank would be much more valuable with a female magician. She can request a withdrawal from our account, take the money from the teller, quickly wave her hands over it and make the money disappear. She then will convince the bank teller she never received the money and receive another sum of cash. This situation will continue until my MGF has vanished enough money to purchase the first 19 seasons of "The Cosby Show." When we get home, I'll begin slicing lemons to make lemon pie, and in the center of each lemon will be the once vanished bank money from earlier.

Magicians can also catch bullets while vested, which will make trips to the market on the bad side of town much safer.

3.) Getting past that awkward introduction to my parents will be easy when you cut me in half at their personal magic show!

Perfection

Parents are determined and have a success rate of 98% in making their first introduction to your significant other impressively uncomfortable. Whether they are excessively relaxed or exceptionally stiff and formal, the initial encounter is generally a pretty awful experience.

True story - I was getting pretty serious with two of the Olsen Twins at one point in college, but after I decided to bring them over to meet my rents and my parents refused to talk because there was a "Baby's Day Out" marathon on BET - they left me. THIS is when a woman magician counterpart will display one of their strongest benefits.

I will be able can take the power out of my parents hands by asking my MGF to hold a small, personal magic show for them. You can learn a lot about a person by witnessing how they escape from a water-filled tank. Can you imagine how swooned my dad will be when his head is placed inside a metal box with swords plunged through every side and he comes out unscathed??

And when my mother and my MGF need to have "the talk," there is no better way to have this momentous conversation than in two wicker chairs...SUSPENDED IN MID-AIR!

4.) Super kinky bedroom antics

Rawrrrrrrr

Arguably, everything about a magician is kinky. It's part of their mysterious lifestyle and DNA. So, just think about all the crazy mischief that will go on in the bedroom!

"Is this the condom you thought you were wearing?" she'll ask confidentially as she pulls it out of her top hat.

"Can't get it up? Well, I'll just tap it with my wand and say the magic words...." - instantly stiff as a horse.

"Do you recall that sword I swallowed at dinner? Watch as I remove it from your urethra."

I assume most of our bedroom antics will begin with her upside down and suspended in a straight jacket - my number one turn on.

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Now that you understand my reasoning, all I have to do is wait for some female magicians to submit their resumes to me through Twitter by tweetin' at me (@StephenSchu). I will also except video resumes through YouTube if the video involves you beginning by being locked inside a small trunk and then reappearing in my bedroom moments later.

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* = initial idea by @sethwanta

Moving to Chicago: A Hipster's Tale

I recently made a move to Chicago for hopes the proximity switch would create a larger window of opportunity. I could carve paragraph after paragraph about the Chicago job market into the hard wood floor under the throw rug in the living room of the apartment I'm staying in with a spoon; but I'll save that for Friday.

Chicago has been remarkable so far. The endless, niche options of bars, restaurants and dental offices speaks wonders of the complexity of a big city. I've already withheld my true professional sport team preferences and saw a Cubs game at historic Wrigley Field; I've seen bits and pieces of the night life and ice cream salesmen on the beaches; and I've noticed there are not enough places to get coffee.  

One of the most confusing and intriguing observations I've came across is the similarity of appearance between the female population around my age. All the girls I know from Chicago look like every girl in Chicago. This "Chicago look" includes big sunglasses, free flowing clothes, longer hair tagged with a bit of new wave/ indie upper-class sophistication. Every day I think I see someone I know from college, and it's just another random Chicago girl mixed amongst the increasing number of hipsters escaping their home in Wicker Park. Seriously, the superior status of hipsters in Chicago and bohemian urge makes me feel like I'm living in 1960s Greenwich Village -- but that's a whole different blog I'll carve into the wooden cabinets while everyone else here is sleeping before I move into my own place.

In my free time I've told a few friends about my move down here or have been approached by others about it (apparently word travels fast when you look exactly like a male Keira Knightley). I'm obviously fairly naive about getting around the city and am fortunate to be staying with friends who know the area very well. Likewise, I'm fascinated by how many of my friends who I thought were from the real city of Chicago are actually from the suburbs and have equal or less knowledge on how to get around the actual city or where specific locations are.

One of my favorite traits of the city is the convenient utilization of public transit and walking. Whether we're riding the "L" or walking around, I'm a huge fan of not using a car and saving money. Many jobs will pay for your commuter costs as well -- making these rides all the better. In addition to the public transit's financial advantages, every trip has a tank full of hilarity and awkwardness. The train rides are often packed to the brim full of business professionals, overweight travelers and whatever blew in from the circus. My personal favorite are the individuals refusing to grab onto the railings while the trains is moving when no seats are available -- as if they are too good for them -- which results in the person constantly almost tipping over.

Big cities have boundless features to love or hate -- and this Keira is hitting the "love" button a lot on his dashboard of discovery. Chicago is an exciting place to be, full of opportunity, enjoyment and terrifying mannequins at H&M.