10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA

As you may have read in publications such as Teen Vogue, I'm fortunate enough to be making a trip to Los Angeles this month. As a much sought after destination for living at some point in my career, I plan on taking full advantage of my time there by fully indulging in the the Hollywood culture.

With that being said, this will be the first of a series of blogs pre-amping my visit. Other than arguing with locals and wannabe actors about scripts I've read that they haven't by writers they should know about but I've completely made up, I have some things planned out I hope to accomplish. I've compiled these lists by simply asking myself, "Why do most people visit and live in LA?"

Answer: To see celebrities.

The American public is obsessed with the lives of famous individuals. So obsessed that they will do almost anything for even a small, personal acknowledgement from a star for the sheer enjoyment of that brief moment Meryl Streep knew they existed. And I'll admit I really am awful at recognizing most celebrities and knowing anything reasonable about them. However, there are a few I hold dear adoration for.

I've compiled a list of the 10 people I want to see while I'm in LA - in no particular order. Enjoy, nerds.

LC LC LC....

1. Lauren Conrad

Everyone is aware I'm still eyebrow deep in my "Hills" phase of life. I will publicly recognize this is a stage 14-year-old girls went through six years ago, but this doesn't ruin the fact I realllllllyyyyyy want to meet LC in person. I mean, I have so many questions for her! Such as, "Where did you get that scarf from in Season 4 episode 15?," "Have you ever walked in on Brody changing? LOL," or "Is it still cool to drink wine out of soda cans? Because if it is, I have Franzia and empty Diet Coke cans in my tote, and I know a GREAT spot at this Burger King on Sunset where we can hang out."

2. Jordy Nelson

White Lightening

Drafted in 2008 as the 5th pick in the 2nd round as the 38th overall pick by the Green Bay Packers in the NFL Draft, Jordy Nelson has become one of my favorite, active players in the NFL. His athletic ability, intelligence, good looks and commanding presence on the football field reminds me of what I would be like if I was an NFL wide-receiver. Likewise, I've never had the opportunity to actually meet him, which is especially sad considering I'm from Green Bay and attend obscene amounts of Packer games - but now is the perfect opportunity to change that. I'm aware he originally hails from Manhattan, Kansas and likely doesn't spend is off season clubbin' in the Hills, but who knows? I've ran into more random people other places, like all my step-dads hanging out together at Kmart.

Just thinking about me...

3. Lauren Conrad again

I mean, so, like...I'm totally assuming her and I will hit it off REALLY well during our first encounter. I'm then thinking she'll text me to meet up and have convenient monologues about how she was becoming really close friends with me on the intro of a new episode. I'll meet up with her at Gjelina on Abbot Kinney Blvd for dinner and then head over to AREA nightclub to meet all her friends. I'm then thinking the episode ends with the audience unsure about whether Lauren and I are "a thing" now or if it's totally plutonic, which I assume will be followed by a cancelation of the show once again.

Too much

4. Aziz if he's with Kanye

Much love for my boy Aziz Ansari who I feel I can call "my boy," because I saw his appearance on Conan live in Chicago. I'd be pretty pumped if I had a chance to talk to him so he can help me get my traveling puppet show on the map. I think Aziz is a funny, unique and intelligent comedian, but I also know from listening to his standup he has connections with Kanye West. That's no diss on Aziz either, but meeting Kanye West is probably like a fat person's first bite into a KFC chicken bucket - smooth as gravy.

5. Jennette McCurdy <3 <3 <3 lolwtflollllxoxoxo

It's a love story, baby, just say "yes."

If there will be ever a girl for me, without a doubt it is Jennette McCurdy. She's gorgeous, talented and  hilarious. If she was a movie and I was part of the Academy, she would win best Film Editing and Sound Mixing every year. Oh, "Why is she right for me?" you ask? Well, let's just see...

#1: We both have amazing hair.

#2: We both have Twitter.

#3: We are both so much funnier than everyone else it's fairly embarrassing for society.

#4: My Ouija Board and Magic 8 Ball have both told me she and I will get married like 7 out of 10 times.

#5: I think I'm the man who can finally make her an honest woman, by taking her out to dinner at that little place in Target.

#6: A boy can dream right?

I cannot correctly put words into this blog to describe how amazing running into Jennette would be. The successfulness of my trip is 90% banking on her and I having a romantic adventure somewhere - maybe Target again (I'm not great with date ideas). I mean, she will still go on a date with me even though I have diabetes, right?

Duh.

6. Drake Bell

He and I look so much alike it's a little ridiculous...NOT TO BE COMPARED TO HOW MUCH KEIRA KNIGHTLEY AND I LOOK ALIKE - THAT'S NOT DEBATABLE...My plan is to run into him on the street, freak him out so he thinks he is looking into a mirror when he sees me, we do that animated "copy each other's movements"  comedy bit - then never see each other again.

"The Duggars" also known as "Mumford & Sons"

7. Some of the Duggars

The Duggar family is well known for their TLC series, "19 Kids and Counting," which is a reality show revolving around Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar...and their 7,500 children....which means I have a pretty good chance of seeing at least a couple of those little rascals while i'm in LA - AM I RIGHT?

Pierre Escargot

8. The entire "All That" cast

I persume they all hang out together at almost all times, and big groups are much easier to spot. I'm aware some of the cast members may have grown out of the group due to success - Kennan Thompson (SNL), Amanda Bynes (What I Like About You), Lori Beth Denberg (Wendy's commercials), Jamie Lynn Spears (Teen Mom) - but they must still chill out in that pre-show/green room and cause HILARIOUS antics with one another. At the very least, I'm pretty sure Kel Mitchell and Josh Server aren't up to much these days.

This is why people don't shop
at Sears anymore.

9. Air Bud & Ty Pennington

They will likely be together, right? I see this as a win-win situation. I'll have the chance to tell Ty what an annoying douche he is and watch a multi-sport playing dog move a bus.

YAY America!

10. The Chocolate Cake from "Matilda"

Ever since witnessing Bruce, the childhood obesity-stricken boy from the 1996 film "Matilda," devour that ginormous chocolate cake infront of his entire school - I've wanted a piece of it. Side note: I hope that schoolbody realizes they were pretty much cheering that kid into losing a foot due to adult-onset Type 2 diabetes. Anyway, I've heard a rumor that the original cake was so big and so packed with preservatives that a few pieces are still floating around the United States. I'm hoping LA will have at least one of them. 

Hit me up on Twitta - @StephenSchu

Why I Want to Date a Magician

I've been single for a quite a long time, and choosing to be without a gal on muh arm can be fairly stressful for a Chicago celebrity on the rise. RedEye won't stop running stories about me being "The Most Eligible Diabetic Bachelor in Chicago"...At bars, girls try to use me to get them drinks and then snap a photo and throw it on Twitter to say they're dating me...BlackPeopleMeet.com has asked me to be their spokesperson like at least 15 times...

It's a lot to handle.

I've also told myself I've simply been waiting for the right girl to come along, and that I have a standard I need this woman to fulfill on all levels. However, defining my personal standard has always been a tad hazy. At first, I wanted to only date a girl who was Jennette McCurdy...then I went through a phase where I only wanted to date a girl who was Keira Knightley so we could have Super Keira Knightley kids...then I had a couple of months in there where I refused to date anyone but the entire main, female cast of "Mean Girls." This ever evolving standard has made picking out the perfect girl and forcing her to date me very difficult.

Until now. 

I finally realized what I really need in a woman. I seek the perfect girl just like any guy. I want a woman who is smart, witty, gorgeous, deep, cultured, open minded - who sees and loves me for who I really am. BUT there is one key element missing from my love equation that I recently became aware of that will make me fall head-over-heels for a girl:

I want to date a magician.

heygirlhey

Yes. A magician. Card tricks, costumes, velvet capes, successful entertainment career - a rare breed to say the least. Female magicians are overlooked and difficult to find - and that's why I want one. And, no, I've never met one before, but I can't imagine why the magician factor isn't what's been lacking in every girl I've taken interest in before...Many have been wonderful girls, but they've never been able to mesmerize me with optical illusions.

So, I'm sure by now every non-magician female out there reading this is about to throw their computer/smartphone/tablet at the wall, and their internal rage has built up to the point of developing a jealously brain aneurysm as they think, "WHAT THE HELL DOES A MAGICIAN HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?!" And I apologize, ladies, but I can explain through the list below of why having a magician girlfriend (MGF) is more beneficial than the average girl.

1.) Free doves*

Romance out of thin air

Doves are romantic and can be made into very good chocolate with cute messages inside the wrapper. Doves also represent many things - love, peace, the Holy Spirit, a metaphor - likewise, magicians have access to an unlimited supply of doves they store in a magic dimension where doves breed around the clock in order to fulfill their supply and demand quota.

Outside of having a never ending source of dove meat, doves could bring excitement to any day or traditional, household situation. For example:

It's the morning after my MGF's big show at IHOP, and she asks me to cook her some eggs for breakfast. As an experienced cook, I warm up the pan, crack a few eggs but suddenly...something goes wrong. As I reach to add a little oil to the eggs, the pan catches fire quickly, instantly scorching the eggs. My MGF swiftly comes to my rescue and slams another pan over the burning breakfast to extinguish the fire. We look into each other's eyes as mine glare with remorse for ruining her well deserved meal. Then there is a twinkle in her eye, she pulls a magic wand from her magic sack (connected to her belt) , strikes the top  pan twice with the wand, removes the cover...and a white dove flies out of the once flame engulfed pan and into the ceiling fan - killing it on impact. Dove breakfast at last.

2.) I like a girl in a sparkly vest*

So powerful but so sexy

Underrated. Absolutely underrated. Sparkled vests go with almost any outfit and will complement my Rhinestone Cowboy ensemble at formal events. Beyond the instant beauty of a woman in a sparkly vest, although not proven, the sparkly vest is thought to be the source of a magician's powers. Thus, the vest must be worn at all times, because magic powers can be handy in nearly any situation.

For example, a simple trip to the bank would be much more valuable with a female magician. She can request a withdrawal from our account, take the money from the teller, quickly wave her hands over it and make the money disappear. She then will convince the bank teller she never received the money and receive another sum of cash. This situation will continue until my MGF has vanished enough money to purchase the first 19 seasons of "The Cosby Show." When we get home, I'll begin slicing lemons to make lemon pie, and in the center of each lemon will be the once vanished bank money from earlier.

Magicians can also catch bullets while vested, which will make trips to the market on the bad side of town much safer.

3.) Getting past that awkward introduction to my parents will be easy when you cut me in half at their personal magic show!

Perfection

Parents are determined and have a success rate of 98% in making their first introduction to your significant other impressively uncomfortable. Whether they are excessively relaxed or exceptionally stiff and formal, the initial encounter is generally a pretty awful experience.

True story - I was getting pretty serious with two of the Olsen Twins at one point in college, but after I decided to bring them over to meet my rents and my parents refused to talk because there was a "Baby's Day Out" marathon on BET - they left me. THIS is when a woman magician counterpart will display one of their strongest benefits.

I will be able can take the power out of my parents hands by asking my MGF to hold a small, personal magic show for them. You can learn a lot about a person by witnessing how they escape from a water-filled tank. Can you imagine how swooned my dad will be when his head is placed inside a metal box with swords plunged through every side and he comes out unscathed??

And when my mother and my MGF need to have "the talk," there is no better way to have this momentous conversation than in two wicker chairs...SUSPENDED IN MID-AIR!

4.) Super kinky bedroom antics

Rawrrrrrrr

Arguably, everything about a magician is kinky. It's part of their mysterious lifestyle and DNA. So, just think about all the crazy mischief that will go on in the bedroom!

"Is this the condom you thought you were wearing?" she'll ask confidentially as she pulls it out of her top hat.

"Can't get it up? Well, I'll just tap it with my wand and say the magic words...." - instantly stiff as a horse.

"Do you recall that sword I swallowed at dinner? Watch as I remove it from your urethra."

I assume most of our bedroom antics will begin with her upside down and suspended in a straight jacket - my number one turn on.

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Now that you understand my reasoning, all I have to do is wait for some female magicians to submit their resumes to me through Twitter by tweetin' at me (@StephenSchu). I will also except video resumes through YouTube if the video involves you beginning by being locked inside a small trunk and then reappearing in my bedroom moments later.

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* = initial idea by @sethwanta