What I Learned in LA: Los Angeles v. Chicago

I must apologize to my adoring readers for never composing a timely follow-up post about my trip to Los Angeles. My excuses for the lack of professionalism are valid:

1. I became very ill, but what the illness was is not known. I likely developed some sort of sickness from an overexposure to attractive women.

2. I was in a sketch comedy show, (Re)Zoned, which consumed quite a lot of time. In fact, I hate you, because you likely never came to see it.

3. I started a podcast with @sethwanta - The Windy City Welcoming Committee

4. #OwlProbz

Attempting to give a simple summary of my trip wouldn't be entertaining enough. No one wants to hear about ALL the make-outs with female celebrities I had, and ALL the times I ate every meal at the IHOP in Hollywood. The most enchanting part of my trip wasn't the homeless man draped in a large piece of carpet, but rather how different Los Angeles is compared to Chicago.

LA Mexican Nacho Champions 2013

In LA, they do a Mexican take on tacos and nachos

Everyone that isn't a nerd loves tacos and nachos. Taco Bell is a great option late at night, when you're studying or when you feel like having terrible diarrhea. Of course, there was an occasion in LA where I really wanted to go for some nachos. Little did I know...LA does nachos and tacos on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. In LA, they do a Mexican take on tacos and nachos. I know this sounds confusing. But imagine regular old nachos but with a Mexican twist. Seriously, it's crazy but CRAZY GOOD. I highly recommend you try Mexican nachos and tacos if you ever visit.

The women at the IHOP were terrifying.

When you get hammered - IHOPs starting popping up everywhere

Granted, we did stay across the street from an IHOP in Hollywood, but while sober I'm positive I didn't see any other International House of Pancakes anywhere. Somehow...after certain amounts of bourbon and certain amounts of 18 Monster energy drinks...IHOPs started popping up EVERYWHERE. We walked into a clubbish bar where they thought I was on the Disney Channel and let us in instantly. This place was on a cool side of LA that was filled with what I assumed were all A-list actors and the band Good Charlotte. Somehow when we left the establishment later that evening...an IHOP appeared across the street, which was not there when we walked in...and when we got back to our hotel, the In-N-Out Burger next door was serving pancakes....and the Hollywood Walk of Fame only had IHOPs and weirdos dressed up as Elvis handing out IHOP brochures. Yet, in the morning, none of these IHOP locations where there anymore - only the original one across the street, which I definitely ate at. #bourbondecisions

So judgemental

LA owls are totes different

I noticed the owls in LA are typically a little more standoff-ish towards strangers. In Chicago, they are either super mean or super nice. I did figure out that if you buy the owls bourbon they will open up to you and are generally good owls.

Improv groups in Chicago are also Communist

People in Chicago imrpov everything, and everyone in LA was like, "Line?"

LOL

Infamous Highway 405

Garbage on garbage

One of my favorite things about Chicago is now that the snow as melted there is literally garbage all over the place. From Busch Light cans to old Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, the Chicago snow hid the extreme amount of filth the city holds. In LA, there was plenty of garbage but in different places. Mostly the homeless people were wearing the garbage, but I also learned an interesting fact while driving there - Los Angeles is the city with the highest amount of garbage on the highways. Seriously, the amount of garbage on the highways is hysterical. I like the concept though. Have to make a commute to work and don't have time to take out the trash? No worries! Just throw it out your window on the way to work!

Someday, LC...Someday....

Lauren Conrad

Chicago doesn't have her, LA does...and I'm incredibly envious.

10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA

As you may have read in publications such as Teen Vogue, I'm fortunate enough to be making a trip to Los Angeles this month. As a much sought after destination for living at some point in my career, I plan on taking full advantage of my time there by fully indulging in the the Hollywood culture.

With that being said, this will be the first of a series of blogs pre-amping my visit. Other than arguing with locals and wannabe actors about scripts I've read that they haven't by writers they should know about but I've completely made up, I have some things planned out I hope to accomplish. I've compiled these lists by simply asking myself, "Why do most people visit and live in LA?"

Answer: To see celebrities.

The American public is obsessed with the lives of famous individuals. So obsessed that they will do almost anything for even a small, personal acknowledgement from a star for the sheer enjoyment of that brief moment Meryl Streep knew they existed. And I'll admit I really am awful at recognizing most celebrities and knowing anything reasonable about them. However, there are a few I hold dear adoration for.

I've compiled a list of the 10 people I want to see while I'm in LA - in no particular order. Enjoy, nerds.

LC LC LC....

1. Lauren Conrad

Everyone is aware I'm still eyebrow deep in my "Hills" phase of life. I will publicly recognize this is a stage 14-year-old girls went through six years ago, but this doesn't ruin the fact I realllllllyyyyyy want to meet LC in person. I mean, I have so many questions for her! Such as, "Where did you get that scarf from in Season 4 episode 15?," "Have you ever walked in on Brody changing? LOL," or "Is it still cool to drink wine out of soda cans? Because if it is, I have Franzia and empty Diet Coke cans in my tote, and I know a GREAT spot at this Burger King on Sunset where we can hang out."

2. Jordy Nelson

White Lightening

Drafted in 2008 as the 5th pick in the 2nd round as the 38th overall pick by the Green Bay Packers in the NFL Draft, Jordy Nelson has become one of my favorite, active players in the NFL. His athletic ability, intelligence, good looks and commanding presence on the football field reminds me of what I would be like if I was an NFL wide-receiver. Likewise, I've never had the opportunity to actually meet him, which is especially sad considering I'm from Green Bay and attend obscene amounts of Packer games - but now is the perfect opportunity to change that. I'm aware he originally hails from Manhattan, Kansas and likely doesn't spend is off season clubbin' in the Hills, but who knows? I've ran into more random people other places, like all my step-dads hanging out together at Kmart.

Just thinking about me...

3. Lauren Conrad again

I mean, so, like...I'm totally assuming her and I will hit it off REALLY well during our first encounter. I'm then thinking she'll text me to meet up and have convenient monologues about how she was becoming really close friends with me on the intro of a new episode. I'll meet up with her at Gjelina on Abbot Kinney Blvd for dinner and then head over to AREA nightclub to meet all her friends. I'm then thinking the episode ends with the audience unsure about whether Lauren and I are "a thing" now or if it's totally plutonic, which I assume will be followed by a cancelation of the show once again.

Too much

4. Aziz if he's with Kanye

Much love for my boy Aziz Ansari who I feel I can call "my boy," because I saw his appearance on Conan live in Chicago. I'd be pretty pumped if I had a chance to talk to him so he can help me get my traveling puppet show on the map. I think Aziz is a funny, unique and intelligent comedian, but I also know from listening to his standup he has connections with Kanye West. That's no diss on Aziz either, but meeting Kanye West is probably like a fat person's first bite into a KFC chicken bucket - smooth as gravy.

5. Jennette McCurdy <3 <3 <3 lolwtflollllxoxoxo

It's a love story, baby, just say "yes."

If there will be ever a girl for me, without a doubt it is Jennette McCurdy. She's gorgeous, talented and  hilarious. If she was a movie and I was part of the Academy, she would win best Film Editing and Sound Mixing every year. Oh, "Why is she right for me?" you ask? Well, let's just see...

#1: We both have amazing hair.

#2: We both have Twitter.

#3: We are both so much funnier than everyone else it's fairly embarrassing for society.

#4: My Ouija Board and Magic 8 Ball have both told me she and I will get married like 7 out of 10 times.

#5: I think I'm the man who can finally make her an honest woman, by taking her out to dinner at that little place in Target.

#6: A boy can dream right?

I cannot correctly put words into this blog to describe how amazing running into Jennette would be. The successfulness of my trip is 90% banking on her and I having a romantic adventure somewhere - maybe Target again (I'm not great with date ideas). I mean, she will still go on a date with me even though I have diabetes, right?

Duh.

6. Drake Bell

He and I look so much alike it's a little ridiculous...NOT TO BE COMPARED TO HOW MUCH KEIRA KNIGHTLEY AND I LOOK ALIKE - THAT'S NOT DEBATABLE...My plan is to run into him on the street, freak him out so he thinks he is looking into a mirror when he sees me, we do that animated "copy each other's movements"  comedy bit - then never see each other again.

"The Duggars" also known as "Mumford & Sons"

7. Some of the Duggars

The Duggar family is well known for their TLC series, "19 Kids and Counting," which is a reality show revolving around Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar...and their 7,500 children....which means I have a pretty good chance of seeing at least a couple of those little rascals while i'm in LA - AM I RIGHT?

Pierre Escargot

8. The entire "All That" cast

I persume they all hang out together at almost all times, and big groups are much easier to spot. I'm aware some of the cast members may have grown out of the group due to success - Kennan Thompson (SNL), Amanda Bynes (What I Like About You), Lori Beth Denberg (Wendy's commercials), Jamie Lynn Spears (Teen Mom) - but they must still chill out in that pre-show/green room and cause HILARIOUS antics with one another. At the very least, I'm pretty sure Kel Mitchell and Josh Server aren't up to much these days.

This is why people don't shop
at Sears anymore.

9. Air Bud & Ty Pennington

They will likely be together, right? I see this as a win-win situation. I'll have the chance to tell Ty what an annoying douche he is and watch a multi-sport playing dog move a bus.

YAY America!

10. The Chocolate Cake from "Matilda"

Ever since witnessing Bruce, the childhood obesity-stricken boy from the 1996 film "Matilda," devour that ginormous chocolate cake infront of his entire school - I've wanted a piece of it. Side note: I hope that schoolbody realizes they were pretty much cheering that kid into losing a foot due to adult-onset Type 2 diabetes. Anyway, I've heard a rumor that the original cake was so big and so packed with preservatives that a few pieces are still floating around the United States. I'm hoping LA will have at least one of them. 

Hit me up on Twitta - @StephenSchu

Why I've Been Watching 'The Hills' So Much

If you are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter (@StephenSchu), you likely have noticed many of my "Hills" themed updates. You then conceivably did or contemplated unfollowing me....or you are one of the girls who continuously "likes" the posts - and I thank you for your support. Regardless of your opinion, everyone is probably wondering, "Stephen, you're one of the most intelligent, clever and cultured guys I've ever met - why are you watching something as lowbrow as 'The Hills?' Plus wasn't the show super popular like 4-5 years ago?"

Yes, I will admit "The Hills" is not a very good show; yes, I am late on the scene and missed the series while it was at its peak popularity; and yes, I am super intelligent, clever and cultured - you just forgot to mention how pretty I am.

However, I haven't been into the series as long as you would think.

It all started one Saturday at my apartment in Chicago. I was very bored, and we do not have cable - but I needed to waste some time before I left for the evening. I saw "The Hills" on Netflix and thought it would be funny to turn on. I watched one episode and was done. During the viewing session, my roommate noticed what I was watching. To be funny, I watched one more, and I pretended I was SUPER into it and COULD NOT BELIEVE the things Heidi and Lauren were up to! LOL <3

Furthermore, this is when I began my latest long-run series of jokes. You may be familiar with my dad, babies, diapers, Keira Knightley, horses, Simon Birch and owl themed jokes. "The Hills" quickly became my new "thing." I started using social media to portray I was dangerously stressed out about the series. I changed my cover photo to the main, female cast. I did just about anything to convince everyone that "The Hills" and I were no joking matter. Realistically, I had only seen three episodes, yet, somehow I knew just as much about the show as those who know the entire series. This proves how simple and horrible of a show it really is - and why it's so great...

NOTHING ever happens!

Oh, LC... :)

Seriously, nothing of decent significance ever happens. 85% of the scenes are two people sitting down for lunch, exchanging four sentences total, which is followed up by 20 seconds of awkward stares and music - the show then cuts to various shots of the greater LA area in transition to a different location with the same scene structure but with different people. You can give the show 1/5 of your attention and still know exactly what is happening.

Eventually, I did get embarrassingly caught up in the show. I started making so many jokes about LC and the gang that I thought, "Maybe I'll watch a few more." Before I knew it, Season 1 was long gone. But before that even happened, I had other reasons to watch more - take this scenario as an example:

At a family event a few months ago, I was conversing with my 1500 relatives when I started having difficulty holding a conversation with my cousin's girlfriend. She was being oddly shy and just wouldn't open up. In an attempt to engage her I said, "You know what show I've been watching a lot of recently? 'The Hills.'" My cousin's girlfriend suddenly looked up with interest. So, I continued.

"I mean, I know Spencer is a total d-bag and Heidi is a bitch, but I honestly can really relate to their relationship. And I know I am a lot like Lo...but I totally wish I was like Audrina! She is SO gorgeous."

My cousin's girlfriend's smile grew from cheek to cheek with enduring eyes as I chatted away about how much I admired Lauren Conrad. As the excitement built in my cousin's girlfriend's face, she cut into the conversation with an about to explode amount of enthusiasm.

"You know who I really like on that show?"

"Who??" I grinned and asked.

"WHITNEY!"

Ugh...Whitney

Now, first realize this, Whitney is definitely the worst character on the show - she is by far the least attractive and least interesting. Second, I had only seen about four episodes at this point - none of which included Spencer or Lo. Regardless, somehow knowing a tiny bit about this terrible TV series created an "in" to allowing this girl to be comfortable with me.

Like knowing about Coach bags from my sisters, this obscure and useless knowledge became more and more valuable when talking to girls. Soon enough, I was watching more. However, the initial purpose of developing a tactic to talk to women soon became overpowered by ignominious desires - I was hooked. Let me remind you, the episodes are only 21 minutes in length - you can cruise through the cast's  drama-filled lives in no time. Additionally, there is a large comedic factor, which keeps me engaged.

Everyone on the show has unrealistic amounts of money but only a few of the cast members are shown actually working. They have so much money, so many nice cars and go out so often that you become oddly envious of their lifestyles. I mean, I could TOTALLY handle Brody and Jason being mad at me if it meant I could live in a sweet house and go to Malibu whenever I wanted. With that being said, you simply can't take anyone on the show seriously - I laugh very hard when they cry; I giggle when their toughest task for the month is going out to dinner with a new boy they met at the club; and I enjoy when there isn't enough drama that the producers randomly throw in old "Laguna Beach" cast members into the mix to shake things up.

Likewise, the show's concept is so stupid but so genius I wondered, "How did they even find this ridiculous cast of people?" I was aware "The Hills" was a spin-off of "Laguna Beach" focusing on Lauren Conrad's post-high school move to LA - but that still didn't answer where the hell this idea came from. Apparently, MTV was looking to create a reality series around wealthy teenagers - after tons of field research up and down the Cali coast - Laguna Beach High School is where they landed...and now creators and producers Liz Gateley, Adam DiVello and Tony DiSanto have made upsetting amounts of cash.

Nothin' but trouble

"The Hills" reminds me a lot of many MTV shows - such as "Jersey Shore" - they are awful TV shows but very entertaining television. You begin to wonder, "Why Do I care about Lauren Conrad's internship or Audrina's relationship?" And the answer is, you really don't. You are just mesmerized by their unrealistic lifestyles, and the fact they have their own TV series about it. Sadly, many people idolize the cast members - and the show obviously went to some of the character's heads (Spencer + Heidi) and was a launching career for many others.

The biggest downside to watching "The Hills?" Definitely the other shows Netflix has decided I would be very interested in - i.e. "Keeping Up with the Kardashians, "The City," "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami." I don't quite understand individuals quickness to judge my viewing of the show - as if they are so innocent. Take you for example, reading this right now - how many episodes of "Dawson's Creek," "Teen Mom," Gossip Girl" or "One Tree Hill" are you failing to admit you've seen? These shows are guilty pleasures - like listening to Ke$ha - it's not good, but you find yourself doing it anyway.

I'm not sure how much longer I will keep up with "The Hills" - it's a lot of stress to deal with. The funny thing is, I've definitely watched other TV series on Netflix more, but somehow I feel like I've been watching "The Hills" for an eternity - mainly due to nothing eventful ever taking place...and there was no reason for Season 3 to be 28 episodes...good Lordy....However, it's good to know on a lazy Sunday LC and her entourage will always be there for me. My future with "The Hills" is kind of like staring at a blank page, but I guess we'll have to just find out - 

'cause the rest is still unwritten. :)