What I Learned in LA: Los Angeles v. Chicago

I must apologize to my adoring readers for never composing a timely follow-up post about my trip to Los Angeles. My excuses for the lack of professionalism are valid:

1. I became very ill, but what the illness was is not known. I likely developed some sort of sickness from an overexposure to attractive women.

2. I was in a sketch comedy show, (Re)Zoned, which consumed quite a lot of time. In fact, I hate you, because you likely never came to see it.

3. I started a podcast with @sethwanta - The Windy City Welcoming Committee

4. #OwlProbz

Attempting to give a simple summary of my trip wouldn't be entertaining enough. No one wants to hear about ALL the make-outs with female celebrities I had, and ALL the times I ate every meal at the IHOP in Hollywood. The most enchanting part of my trip wasn't the homeless man draped in a large piece of carpet, but rather how different Los Angeles is compared to Chicago.

LA Mexican Nacho Champions 2013

In LA, they do a Mexican take on tacos and nachos

Everyone that isn't a nerd loves tacos and nachos. Taco Bell is a great option late at night, when you're studying or when you feel like having terrible diarrhea. Of course, there was an occasion in LA where I really wanted to go for some nachos. Little did I know...LA does nachos and tacos on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. In LA, they do a Mexican take on tacos and nachos. I know this sounds confusing. But imagine regular old nachos but with a Mexican twist. Seriously, it's crazy but CRAZY GOOD. I highly recommend you try Mexican nachos and tacos if you ever visit.

The women at the IHOP were terrifying.

When you get hammered - IHOPs starting popping up everywhere

Granted, we did stay across the street from an IHOP in Hollywood, but while sober I'm positive I didn't see any other International House of Pancakes anywhere. Somehow...after certain amounts of bourbon and certain amounts of 18 Monster energy drinks...IHOPs started popping up EVERYWHERE. We walked into a clubbish bar where they thought I was on the Disney Channel and let us in instantly. This place was on a cool side of LA that was filled with what I assumed were all A-list actors and the band Good Charlotte. Somehow when we left the establishment later that evening...an IHOP appeared across the street, which was not there when we walked in...and when we got back to our hotel, the In-N-Out Burger next door was serving pancakes....and the Hollywood Walk of Fame only had IHOPs and weirdos dressed up as Elvis handing out IHOP brochures. Yet, in the morning, none of these IHOP locations where there anymore - only the original one across the street, which I definitely ate at. #bourbondecisions

So judgemental

LA owls are totes different

I noticed the owls in LA are typically a little more standoff-ish towards strangers. In Chicago, they are either super mean or super nice. I did figure out that if you buy the owls bourbon they will open up to you and are generally good owls.

Improv groups in Chicago are also Communist

People in Chicago imrpov everything, and everyone in LA was like, "Line?"

LOL

Infamous Highway 405

Garbage on garbage

One of my favorite things about Chicago is now that the snow as melted there is literally garbage all over the place. From Busch Light cans to old Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, the Chicago snow hid the extreme amount of filth the city holds. In LA, there was plenty of garbage but in different places. Mostly the homeless people were wearing the garbage, but I also learned an interesting fact while driving there - Los Angeles is the city with the highest amount of garbage on the highways. Seriously, the amount of garbage on the highways is hysterical. I like the concept though. Have to make a commute to work and don't have time to take out the trash? No worries! Just throw it out your window on the way to work!

Someday, LC...Someday....

Lauren Conrad

Chicago doesn't have her, LA does...and I'm incredibly envious.

What I Except on My Trip to LA

Part III of my pre-amp LA blogs! Make sure to check out my other two: "10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA" and "10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA."

I'm obviously looking forward to this trip considering I rarely have the opportunity for vacations. As CEO of a Fortune 500 Make out Company, work controls the majority of my life. However, even grownups need time to have some fun too.

Are my expectations too high for the trip? Far from it. I've done my research and educated myself on the California culture and how to properly prepare. With that being said, I would like to share with you What I expect on My Trip to LA. Enjoy, nerds.

Take a shower.

1. A lot of jobless tenant farmers

American author John Steinbeck has made it very clear California is where poor farmers from Oklahoma go to find work and avoid the never ended Dust Bowl, which has plagued the Great Plains of the United Sates for more than 80 years. There is rumor you can still find John Ford and Henry Fonda roaming the streets of Sacramento looking for odd jobs. That's also why I'm flying to LA. Route 66 is FILLED with smelly, penniless families looking to join unions and kill one another in peach orchards. I likely won't visit any peach orchards unless completely necessary. 

West Hollywood, CA

2. Greedy, gritty oil men

Yes, like many other Americans, I've thought about settling down in California to take my stake in gold as the rest of the nation focuses on cotton and tobacco. But I'm much wiser than that...I've seen "There Will Be Blood," and I'm aware former mineral prospectors eventually turn to the oil business to become wealthy murderers. And I'll be honest, the idea of having a deaf son who tries to lite people on fire, fighting with an annoying, young priest all the time and becoming an alcoholic bowler just doesn't seem very relaxing for a weekend. Still, I will have my eye out for Daniel Day-Lewis and his crazy milkshake dramatics.

Must be like looking in a mirror
for most Cali Ladies

3. Top notch California girls

I'm a fan of the way East coast girls dress, and even a bigger fan of how the girls down South talk. This isn't overlooking the Midwest farmer girls - they are great - and the Northern girls are definitely the best kissers. I've traveled all over the world and seen quite a variety of women, but I'm just excited to get back and see the cutest girls in the world - some California girls.

There's just something about green grass, sipping on gin and juice and laying beneath palm trees that makes these California gurls unforgettable. They still know how to rock daisy dukes and bikini tops with sun-kissed skin that just melts my popsicle. Ever since I partied with them, I fell in love. Especially since Snoop Dogg is always up for making an appearance. These gurls have a lot of other things to offer as well - bikinis, zucchinis  martinis, no weenies - literally anything you can think of. These gurls really represent the West coast.

Jackie Slater doing what he does best - groovin'.

4. "LA Rams - Ram It!"

You must watch the video in order to understand this gem of a song and outstanding moment in NFL history. I expect "Ram It!" to be on repeat most places I go - LAX, nightclubs, McDonald's, Lindsay Lohan's apartment - I've already learned the dance from Hollywood Hanson (#21) himself.

You got Bon Iver on vinyl?

5. Different types of hipsters

Chicago, without a doubt, breeds hipsters. Don't believe me? Head over to Wicker Park and tell me what you think. They are everywhere, but one must recognize there are definitely different classes of hipster. Check out this article in StyleCaster. A phenomenal piece of writing on the 12 types of hipsters. In Chicago, you will see these types of hipsters the most:

The Freak-folk Hippy-ster

"Guitar anthems, geometric patterns, Polaroids, hitch-hiking, lake-swimming, begetable loving, psychedelic-experimenting free-spirits. Think Devendra Banhart."

The Yuppie Hipster

"Do you own a Prius that still has an Obama sticker on the back? Do you want to make as much money as possible while appearing to not put much effort into anything? Yup-ster! Keychain, $3.95, Zazzle."

Health-ster

"Bicycle riding, Whole Foods shopping, art-galley going, Toms Shoes wearing, urban-gardening, yoga practicing, meditation-retreat attending, hipsters."

And one type of hipster you see everywhere:

Trendster

"Vintage mash up! Ironic, pop, or just loud and memorable. Probably owns some oversized reading glasses (most likely without prescription), frequents Urban Outfiters, fame-conscious, has bought at least one flannel shirt, fedora, and pair of cut-off shorts. Icon: the darling Alexi Wasser." - Also noted in Chicago

Hip to be square.

In LA, I think the hipsters might have an edge on what's currently in Chicago - they are closer to the roots of this lifestyle. The eclectic enclave of the Greater LA Area boasts some of the nation's most lauded food trucks and farmer's markets, a booming arts scene and one of the largest creative class communities in the country.  From Forbes, "Silver Lake, Los Angeles, CA is also home to some o the most avant garde Modernist architecture in North America." Although some hipster classes can be seen everywhere, I expect to particularily see these:

Elitist-hipster

"(The biggest haters of the term hipster). You're not a f*cking hipster, you're an artist. You don't keep up with teh trends, if something great comes out, you'll hear about it from your friends. Think Vincent Gallo."

Vintage-sters

"Past-grasping, Grunge, glam, '50s slick, early '70s folk fashion, mod punk etc. Clothing with idealism."

----

Related articles:

• "10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA"
• "10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA."

Hit me up on Twitta - @StephenSchu

10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA

Here it is - blog #2 pre-amping my trip to Los Angeles. Make sure to check out my last post, "10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA."

Going off that list, I also realize people in California, especially LA, are not a lot like those in the Midwest. Yes, I could make jokes about everyone around here being overweight...sausage fingers, beer drinking, Hoverounds....but I'm more pointing in the direction of that "Midwest charm," which apparently lacks in the City of Angels. However, I'm not on board with the "Midwest charm" being as great as everyone assumes. I see it as most people around the Midwest are nice to your face but then do the trash talking behind your back. Yes, everyone from the Midwest is pretty much the main cast of Mean Girls. The Californians are likely a little more honest and upfront about their thoughts about you. Regardless, as you look at my list of hopeful encounters, I'm aware there is the exact opposite roaming LA.

With this in light, there are some DEFINITE individuals who could ruin my trip if I run into them while there. So, I've created the 10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA. Read it up, nerds.

Just poopin' it up

1. Jay Cutler

Chicago Bear's QB Jay Cutler was a standout at Vanderbilt University and has had a decent career in the NFL - where he now ranks as "The Worst Team Leader in Sports." Granted, Cutler's overall mannerisms are depressing (that's just how he is), but when this guy screws up on the field or something goes wrong in a game - his lack of confidence and composure is flat-out pathetic. The last thing I need is his mopey face dragging my vacation down. I only fear running into him, because his girl, Kristin Cavallari, and I are kind of the same person...So, there is a solid chance her and I end up in the same places at least more than once - we both have this thing for Qdoba that's kind of hard to control. The only good thing about running into Cutler would be he and I could share insulin -- he's a Type 1 diabetic as well.

BBQ SAUCE! OOHHHH YEAAHH!

2. Guy Fieri

Yes, Guy Fieri is a ridiculous idiot who loves food and looks like a manager at Chili's, but that's not why I don't want to run into him. Actually, he featured Glenn's Diner (amazing) near me on his show "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives," which I thought was a great kudos to a very fine Chicago establishment. Regardless, I more fear seeing Mr. Fieri, because I believe he would find a way to interrupt my dinner date with Lauren Conrad. She and I will be out to eat at some place like Lucques, he'll pull up in his red convertible wearing those stupid sunglasses with his bleach blonde, spiked hair...do a brief monologue about the restaurant, and then walk over to us and start doing a candid interview right in the middle of me I'm throwing fastball after fastball pitches of schoolboy charm at LC.

"HEY!" says Guy Fieri with BBQ sauce all over his hands. "What do you think about the food at this place?"

Then I'll have to say something cool and collective with a "whatever" attitude like, "Yeah, it's pretty good. Makin' her smile, at least" as I point to LC and wink.

Long story short, Guy Fieri has ruined our date. I guess LC and I will have to hit up Les Deux Cafe nightclub early.

I hate her.

3. My 7th grade science teacher

We bucked heads all year in 2002, and I still won't forgive her for the D+ she gave me on my periodic table acoustic song set to the tune of  "Hand on the Pump" by Cypress Hill. 

"When I see ya punk a**/ I'm gonna get ya, / Gallium ya / F***ing do ya / Shotgun goes BORON!"

I GET IT, Willa. I GET IT!

4. That entourage of women celebrities who are in love with me - i.e. Hayden Panettiere, Lena Headey, Jessica Stroup, Emma Roberts, Lyndsy Fonseca, Willa Holland

Ugh, I  DO NOT need more women celebrities drooling over me. I've already made it very clear I'm holding out for Jennette McCurdy, but some of these girls just don't take "no" for an answer! It's like, "I get it Willa Holland! We had a fling that one week in Cedar Rapids, but we have to move on with our lives now! We are GROWN UPS! WE HAVE CAREERS! Ya, know?" You should see the texts I get from Lena and Emma...and I totally know they are together when they are sending them too - just awkwardly fighting over my heart that they will never get. I mean, give it up Jessica Stroup! It's like you're nailing JELL-O to the wall - a lot of work for nothing....but I mean, ugh, I did go to Junior Prom with Hayden....and I guess Lyndsy and I make sense if you compare our relationship to most Taylor Swift and Adele songs...Still, ladies, you need to stop. No more SnapChat pics to my work phone, please.

Draaaammmaaaa

5. Heidi Montag

After LC and I hit it off when I get there, and I see Heidi Montag at Starbucks......Awkward City, USA.

Enough is enough.

6. Chad Kroeger

I debated whether or not to throw a guy off the train the other week when I noticed he was listening to Nickelback. If I see lead singer and guitarist of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger, it will not end well. I likely will demand he takes back anything he has ever attempted to contribute to the music world, end his career and live the rest of his life out by giving talks at high schools about how bad music ruined his life and much of America's.

Yikes.

7. Justin Bieber

This little boy has caused me so much pain since his arrival to the music scene. My hair is my bread n' butter, and this little bag of turds stole my look, which has resulted in far too many people telling me I look like him - WHEN HE IS THE ONE LOOKING LIKE ME. To some extent, I will take the compliment since millions of girls obsess over the singing poop ball. Otherwise, it's upsetting for a 7-year-old to legit steal my look and then make it popular. I've been pulling off the sexy, hip-hop schoolboy look since you were just a tickle in your pappy's sack, jbiebs.

Lookin' at a big ol' diaper of an analyst.

8. Skip Bayless

Let me refer you to my fellow contributor's article regarding this shock jock of a sports analyst. I'm aware Skip gets paid to say what only 10% of his audience agrees with in an pompous fashion, because that's his character. However, if this is not a big put-on, Skip Bayless may be one of the most classless individuals to ever be a part of the world of sports. If I see him in LA, I'm going to tell him he is a very bad man and makes me sad. That should teach him to shut up.

This is where kids go when they die.

9. The old furnace from Home Alone

Absolutely terrifying. Running into this metal giant would be a huge buzz kill.

He's just the worst.

10. Seth Wanta

One of the main reasons I'm getting out of Chicago for a few days is to be as far away as possible from this giant toddler of a man. You don't know him? Oh, well, just follow him on Twitter then (@sethwanta). You'll quickly learn what it's like to be the part of the internal monologue of a male Betty Spaghetty with the personality of a less funny Jane Lynch. His gangly, awkwardness can stay in Chicago.

Hit me up in Twitta - @StephenSchu

Why I've Been Watching 'The Hills' So Much

If you are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter (@StephenSchu), you likely have noticed many of my "Hills" themed updates. You then conceivably did or contemplated unfollowing me....or you are one of the girls who continuously "likes" the posts - and I thank you for your support. Regardless of your opinion, everyone is probably wondering, "Stephen, you're one of the most intelligent, clever and cultured guys I've ever met - why are you watching something as lowbrow as 'The Hills?' Plus wasn't the show super popular like 4-5 years ago?"

Yes, I will admit "The Hills" is not a very good show; yes, I am late on the scene and missed the series while it was at its peak popularity; and yes, I am super intelligent, clever and cultured - you just forgot to mention how pretty I am.

However, I haven't been into the series as long as you would think.

It all started one Saturday at my apartment in Chicago. I was very bored, and we do not have cable - but I needed to waste some time before I left for the evening. I saw "The Hills" on Netflix and thought it would be funny to turn on. I watched one episode and was done. During the viewing session, my roommate noticed what I was watching. To be funny, I watched one more, and I pretended I was SUPER into it and COULD NOT BELIEVE the things Heidi and Lauren were up to! LOL <3

Furthermore, this is when I began my latest long-run series of jokes. You may be familiar with my dad, babies, diapers, Keira Knightley, horses, Simon Birch and owl themed jokes. "The Hills" quickly became my new "thing." I started using social media to portray I was dangerously stressed out about the series. I changed my cover photo to the main, female cast. I did just about anything to convince everyone that "The Hills" and I were no joking matter. Realistically, I had only seen three episodes, yet, somehow I knew just as much about the show as those who know the entire series. This proves how simple and horrible of a show it really is - and why it's so great...

NOTHING ever happens!

Oh, LC... :)

Seriously, nothing of decent significance ever happens. 85% of the scenes are two people sitting down for lunch, exchanging four sentences total, which is followed up by 20 seconds of awkward stares and music - the show then cuts to various shots of the greater LA area in transition to a different location with the same scene structure but with different people. You can give the show 1/5 of your attention and still know exactly what is happening.

Eventually, I did get embarrassingly caught up in the show. I started making so many jokes about LC and the gang that I thought, "Maybe I'll watch a few more." Before I knew it, Season 1 was long gone. But before that even happened, I had other reasons to watch more - take this scenario as an example:

At a family event a few months ago, I was conversing with my 1500 relatives when I started having difficulty holding a conversation with my cousin's girlfriend. She was being oddly shy and just wouldn't open up. In an attempt to engage her I said, "You know what show I've been watching a lot of recently? 'The Hills.'" My cousin's girlfriend suddenly looked up with interest. So, I continued.

"I mean, I know Spencer is a total d-bag and Heidi is a bitch, but I honestly can really relate to their relationship. And I know I am a lot like Lo...but I totally wish I was like Audrina! She is SO gorgeous."

My cousin's girlfriend's smile grew from cheek to cheek with enduring eyes as I chatted away about how much I admired Lauren Conrad. As the excitement built in my cousin's girlfriend's face, she cut into the conversation with an about to explode amount of enthusiasm.

"You know who I really like on that show?"

"Who??" I grinned and asked.

"WHITNEY!"

Ugh...Whitney

Now, first realize this, Whitney is definitely the worst character on the show - she is by far the least attractive and least interesting. Second, I had only seen about four episodes at this point - none of which included Spencer or Lo. Regardless, somehow knowing a tiny bit about this terrible TV series created an "in" to allowing this girl to be comfortable with me.

Like knowing about Coach bags from my sisters, this obscure and useless knowledge became more and more valuable when talking to girls. Soon enough, I was watching more. However, the initial purpose of developing a tactic to talk to women soon became overpowered by ignominious desires - I was hooked. Let me remind you, the episodes are only 21 minutes in length - you can cruise through the cast's  drama-filled lives in no time. Additionally, there is a large comedic factor, which keeps me engaged.

Everyone on the show has unrealistic amounts of money but only a few of the cast members are shown actually working. They have so much money, so many nice cars and go out so often that you become oddly envious of their lifestyles. I mean, I could TOTALLY handle Brody and Jason being mad at me if it meant I could live in a sweet house and go to Malibu whenever I wanted. With that being said, you simply can't take anyone on the show seriously - I laugh very hard when they cry; I giggle when their toughest task for the month is going out to dinner with a new boy they met at the club; and I enjoy when there isn't enough drama that the producers randomly throw in old "Laguna Beach" cast members into the mix to shake things up.

Likewise, the show's concept is so stupid but so genius I wondered, "How did they even find this ridiculous cast of people?" I was aware "The Hills" was a spin-off of "Laguna Beach" focusing on Lauren Conrad's post-high school move to LA - but that still didn't answer where the hell this idea came from. Apparently, MTV was looking to create a reality series around wealthy teenagers - after tons of field research up and down the Cali coast - Laguna Beach High School is where they landed...and now creators and producers Liz Gateley, Adam DiVello and Tony DiSanto have made upsetting amounts of cash.

Nothin' but trouble

"The Hills" reminds me a lot of many MTV shows - such as "Jersey Shore" - they are awful TV shows but very entertaining television. You begin to wonder, "Why Do I care about Lauren Conrad's internship or Audrina's relationship?" And the answer is, you really don't. You are just mesmerized by their unrealistic lifestyles, and the fact they have their own TV series about it. Sadly, many people idolize the cast members - and the show obviously went to some of the character's heads (Spencer + Heidi) and was a launching career for many others.

The biggest downside to watching "The Hills?" Definitely the other shows Netflix has decided I would be very interested in - i.e. "Keeping Up with the Kardashians, "The City," "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami." I don't quite understand individuals quickness to judge my viewing of the show - as if they are so innocent. Take you for example, reading this right now - how many episodes of "Dawson's Creek," "Teen Mom," Gossip Girl" or "One Tree Hill" are you failing to admit you've seen? These shows are guilty pleasures - like listening to Ke$ha - it's not good, but you find yourself doing it anyway.

I'm not sure how much longer I will keep up with "The Hills" - it's a lot of stress to deal with. The funny thing is, I've definitely watched other TV series on Netflix more, but somehow I feel like I've been watching "The Hills" for an eternity - mainly due to nothing eventful ever taking place...and there was no reason for Season 3 to be 28 episodes...good Lordy....However, it's good to know on a lazy Sunday LC and her entourage will always be there for me. My future with "The Hills" is kind of like staring at a blank page, but I guess we'll have to just find out - 

'cause the rest is still unwritten. :)