Have Your Mind Blown and Your B YOBed at (Re)Zoned: Tales from the Magical Twilight

I love shameless self-promotion. It's the easiest thing to market other than Simon Birch films.

I wanted to let you lovely people know of a super fantastic event going on in Chicago for the next three weeks. It's so good you have to buy tickets for it....

It is...

(Re)Zoned: Tales from the Magical Twilight

What's the catch? Catch? CATCH? You offend me, sir. Because this "catch" you speak of is the cheery on top of this sweet cake of golden oysters*. (Re)Zoned is a sketch comedy show by Corn Productions - who were paid enough money by my boys in the Lollipop Guild to allow me to be part of the acting ensemble. What's that? You need more background on the show? You are hoping this is a BYOB theater? You like people that talk like they are from 1953? GREAT.

(Re)Zoned offers a sketch comedy twist on the original sci-fi TV series, "The Twilight Zone," with some extraordinary magic and a killer house band, The Cell Phones, to guide you through the comedy vignettes and episode parodies - and to also help you keep your sanity. Oh, magic**? You didn't misread - magician Justin Purcell hosts the show, as he performs interactive magic with the audience that may blow your mind all over your program***. Brain splatter jumpsuits are not available at Corn - BYOJ (bring your own jumpsuit).

The best part is you don't have to have ever seen "The Twilight Zone" or even know what magic or a band is to enjoy the unhinged ride through the 5th dimension!

heygirlhey

More reasons to go:

1. It's BYOB.
2. You'll be in an audience, so it will seem like you have friends even though you don't.
3. The show is a good excuse to get out of grandma's house and stop bingeing on her medicine.
4. It's BYOB - that means you can bring alcohol into the building and drink it under no judgement****
5. Corn is now a horse free theater.*****
6. Waka Flocka Flame gave the show a GREAT Yelp review.

Magic or reality?

Meet the cast*****:

Ensemble -  Dustin Craig, Kamron Palmer, Alex St. John, Stephen Schumacher, Ivory Stahly, Antora Delong, Emily Forberg, Hannah Dobratz, Justin Purcell

Featuring in house band - The Cell Phones

Directed by Kevin Anderson

Stage Manager - Jes Mican


Tweet the deets:

(Re)Zoned runs Wednesdays through Saturdays at 8 p.m. Feb. 22 through March 23. Tickets are $7 on Wednesdays, $10 on Thursday and $15 on Fridays and Saturdays. Y'all can purchase tickets online , by  reserved calling 773-650-1331 or by purchasing them at the door.

Please come, because if you don't I'll find you lazy, sweaty sack of pancakes and cut off your big toes. lolz. See you there!

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* Available at Jewel-Osco one block from Corn.
** It's real magic - so don't bring anything you don't want sawed in half or turned into a dove.
*** Corn has recently gone Green. All programs are made from formerly blown minds.
**** Feral horses/ghost-horses in the audience who are recovering alcoholics will judge, but we have no control over them.
***** Physically, the theater is horse free. But mentally....
****** Some of the cast members are part horse - the hooves and tails are a dead give away on who.

Holiday Gift Guide by Stephen

Every child's dream

Christmas simply is not as easy as it used to be. Back in the good ol' days, the Industrial Revolution kept children away in textile factories for a magical 15+ hours per day. These tired 4-year-olds would then drag their sluggish feet through the garbage filled streets, past the sleeping, blackened bodies of chimney sweep children - while hoping to arrive home and have an open spot on their crammed, cruddy housing floor and not wake up with typhus. For Christmas, these children would have gladly taken a used napkin and a promise that they wouldn't die of cholera by morning because of the poop water they drank with dinner. Sadly, all that has changed.

We now live in a society where kids are "too young to work" and should be in "school." The once hardened chimney sweep children are now eating Cheetos out of a bag with one hand while spreading boogers all over their iPod Touch screen with the other and secretly kissing their American Girl Dolls behind the sofa before father returns from his yacht trip. And these spoiled, obesity-developing monsters are impossible to please when it comes to Christmas gifts. They all want the newest Oprah Winfrey action figure, One Direction Sega CD game or some other toy I made up to make you laugh. Shopping has only become increasingly difficult as gift demand rises.

That's where I can help.

Through work and personal ambitions, I've become VERY up-to-date on what's hip in the technology, toy and fashion trends - I know what are the MUST HAVES of the shopping world. By nearly completing three seasons of "The Hills" and one episode of "Ice Road Truckers," I can confidentially recommend and aid you in your last minute holiday purchases. I'm also assuming all your friends and families are bratty, little, fat children.


Stephen's Holiday Gift Guide:

Fur sure

Griz Coat

 I actually own this jacket...so...don't buy it, because then the phenomenal griz coat won't be cool. Instead get the stylish coat this posh monkey is wearing for that loving immigrant in your family.

Sienna Miller or Ann Romney?

A Horse

Believe it or not, horses are in this year. What type of horse should you purchase? Any will do, but the hottest horse in Hollywood (where 89% of fashionable horse breeding occurs) is this Bavarian Blueblood horse mounted by English Actress Sienna Miller on the left. If you don't know your horse breeds - just go by color. The workers at Big Lots are extremely helpful. Horses also make GREAT stocking stuffers if you cut them up.*

One fresh father

Skinny Jeans

One of the hottest items out there for the "dad on the go" - skinny jeans. I know pants sizes can be difficult to purchase for others - however - there is only one size for male adults - appropriately called "Dad Size." Now your dad can watch his favorite sporting match in style with "Team Colors" skinny jeans by SkinnyJeans.com!

Uncle Buck had the right idea

Gift Card to Toast Mountain

Well, you will have to talk to my intern Jennifer about this, because Toast Mountain hasn't opened for business yet....but in time...Toast Mountain is a restaurant I'm opening with a few friends where we will only sell toast - only wheat - no jam or butter - just plain toast. Sometimes we will advertise we have other types of toast, but when you ask we will say we actually ran out and only have wheat. Get your gift cards by following me on Twitta and tweetin' at meh - @StephenSchu - following me on Twitta is like a plate of tater tots with extra gravy on top (not available at Toast Mountain).

He's on his way through Amazon.com!

An Old Fisherman

Do you become inappropriately angry when grandma or grandpa won't shut the fuck up with their boring stories about their childhood when they only ate baked beans for 11 years and how the only thing they had to do for fun was WWII? Not anymore! There is NOTHING more wise and full of depressing stories than an old fisherman! Bring a swirly, old fisherman to your grandparents house for Christmas and see how they like it! He also will be very damp (towels and tarps not provided).

Look out, Juicy J!

Any Kidz Bop Album

Hate Bruno Mars? Think Ke$ha is a poop pile? Well, Kidz Bop is at it again to take your least favorite songs and have them screamed by mildly talented children! Why is this good? Because, arguably, these kids have made any Bruno Mars song better by simply making the recording shorter. Seriously, the producers legit cut out at least one minute from every song. So, instead of having to listen to the full version of "Moves Like Jagger," you can shine bright like a diamond with any Kidz Bop album this holiday season!

I hope this list was helpful for you. In fact, if you don't follow my list...one of your family members or significant others will likely hate you for the rest of your life or murder you Christmas morning - so buy these items while they're still in stock!!

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*@sethwanta