The Sites, Sounds and Abnormal People of Chicago

Wendy's eating gear, now on sale at Target.

If "people watching" was a sport, I would for sure have played D-II in college. Oh, and don't you dare judge myself or others for doing so, because gawking at the number weirdos you see every day is an impossible hobby to avoid.

After moving to Chicago, it took me very little time to realize how much better the art of observing others had improved. It was like I upgraded from diapers to Pull-Ups. I've had way too much fun taking pictures and commenting on the people I see via social media. In Chicago, it's almost intense how many weirdos are around you at work, on the train or out in public -- owning a few pairs of sunglasses is a must.

If you don't follow me on Twitter (@StephenSchu), then you've missed out on some of the greatest reporting of the actions and individuals I've seen in Chi during my four months here. Likewise, since I'm only followed by the director of "Baby's Day Out" and my parents on Twitter, I feel it's appropriate to share these pictures and comments from yours truly with my blogging community. Enjoy:

Call me maybe - Tabasco Sauce Queen?

Sept. 20 - "No need to apologize for violently burping outloud, ma'am. Your casual wear of water aerobic shoes screamed weird well before the acid reflux."

June 25 - "Fairly ideal running weather outside today in Chicago. And according to the woman by the liquor store, also a good day to spit on people."

Aug. 15- "I'm kind of a fan of this weird guy at the office. I'm pretty sure he only gets paid to sneeze and drink Big Gulps, but I like him."

Sept. 19 - "No, sir. I didn't make that face at you because you smell of cigs. It was, because, you know, you were eating things out of your fingernails."

Aug. 18 - "The dude in the Disney shirt kissing his girlfriend's neck and back on the train really gave me hope that I will find love some day."

Ey, gurl. Wat's yo name? Wat's yo sign?

Sept. 12 - "Someone was playing "Heart of Gold" out loud on their phone in the bathroom, followed by "Bad to the Bone." 70-80s rock has GREAT fiber."

Sept. 17 - "Mystery Bathroom Stall DJ continues today with "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper & "Can't Get You Out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue #MusicFiber"

July 31- "Absolutely convinced the large woman sitting next to me on the train used Funfetti Cake Mix as her perfume this morning."

Sept. 11- "As kind of you as it was to sneeze on the sports section of your paper and then offer it to me to read on the train, no thank you, sir."

Sept. 7 - "The guy casually walking around and shaving with an electric razor at our office should be beaten to a bloody pulp and thrown out the window."

Aug. 23 - "Whoever is habitually urinating all over the floor by the urinals at work- I promise I will find you and mop the pee up with your hair."

Sept. 3 - "I was just going to complain about how no one was blasting Gucci Mane at our apartment complex! Thanks, 37-year-old single woman!"

I have the same hat...

Sept. 18 - "Oh, no worries, dude. We all really wanted to listen to your Papa Roach ringtone on our way to work this morning."

Aug. 31 - "To the dude eating Chick-fil-a with gloves on: Let's hang out later!"

Sept. 12 - "I missed a great photo opportunity: Nothing says productive like a suite coat and snow pants."

Aug. 27 - "I was absolutely certain I just saw the real life Bilbo Baggins, but, alas, it was a woman."

Aug. 23 - "To the dude wearing a Lolla wristband on the Brown Line - It's time to move on."

Aug. 15 - "Unrealistic how bad everyone smells on the train right now. Has all of Chicago completely thrown the act of hygiene out the window?"

June 4 - "At least 15 hipsters just boarded the Red Line. What do I do? I'm surrounded and wearing a suite. Do I offer them PBR as a peace offering?"

On the verge of tears...while reading a Batman comic.

Aug. 11 - "Two clowns just drove by in a Camry."

Aug. 5 - "If one more fat person with a coffee obstructs my walking path by woddling into it today, I'm stealing the mini-fan out of their other hand."

Aug. 30 - "I'm not sure if I want to embrace this guy with a hug I can see looking at Muppet memes or punch him in the head."

July 30 - "A large woman yelled at my for getting too close to her bag of McDonald's while I was walking to lunch."

July 2 - "Something about the people purchasing Chicago souvenir items from Walgreens is innately depressing."

June 24 - "I thought I saw an unattractive pregnant girl, but it was a fat gross man."

Aug. 29 - "I like this guy at the office who wears floral shirts and gets paid to meander around in old running shoes and eat almonds."

June 19 - "Why are the loudest people on the 'L' always also the most obese?"

Sept. 4 - "And seeing that fat woman on an adult tricycle has officially completed my day."

Best seat in the whole city.

Another stumper.

First trip out to Montana + Winter Traveling Update

Montana

Sam's Tap Room at Red Lodge Ales

At the end of August, I got to go to Montana for the first time on business. The excitement around the trip stemmed from the fact that I picked up fly fishing earlier in the summer. Packing up my fly rod and gear I was beside myself. Fly fisherman around the country save up money to go on trips to Montana and I was going for free and was going to be situated on the Yellowstone River - one of the most renown fly fishing rivers in North America.

Beartooth Pass

The night before I departed I was staring up at the ceiling in bed until midnight. It was as if Santa was coming. Upon arrival and completing my work day I set off to Red Lodge, MT - a town about 50 minutes west of Billings. I set up outside of town along the Rock Creek river, a tributary of the Yellowstone that flows out of the Beartooth Mountains. The first night I was fish-less. Red Lodge is a nice, quant town that has a great brewery on the outskirts. Their double IPA is killer and you can't beat their prices.

Rock Creek River

Overall, the fishing was great. I only reeled in two fish for the four nights I spent there but wading on the Yellowstone and Rock Creek was unbelievably peaceful and rewarding. I'm looking forward to my next trip out there.

Baby Brown Trout

Winter Travel Plans

My January and February months are going to fly by. Here are my travel plans so far:

• A 7 day ski trip to Denver
• A 5 day ski trip to Utah
• A 6 day trip to Hawaii. (hopefully learning how to surf and getting in some bone fishing with the fly rod)

Round 2 coming up this winter!

Let me serenade you with a poem

Sometimes after I have a bucket full of coffee and red wine (I call it "colon pepper"), I indulge in the finer things...eggs, chemistry, scented candles, horse tails...and even literature. Often times, after reading Little Critter's First Shave, I feel provocative enough to write something of my own. And, since I've already written several short stories about me shaving myself, I've branched off into other artistic mediums. Recently, I wrote a poem, and I would like to share it with you:

You Are My Crypt, Inflame My Soul

Don't decay, darling.
Live on like the embalmed Latino women
in my neighborhood.
Absorb my rapture and let me dine
in your coffin.
If our love is paradise then my heart is satin.
And if we don't make it to heaven,
let us shock the souls of Limbo.
Sinless infants will dance
above Purgatory,
shaking the chandeliers of coping families,
so they won't forget us
like the embalmed Latino women in my neighborhood.

I Hate Your Excessively Peppy Facebook and Twitter Statuses

This is exactly what I look like.

I suppose my view of Facebook and Twitter is fairly pessimistic. I don't enjoy most posts I read - in fact, I probably hate 93% of the status updates I see on Facebook. I use both social media sites as sources of entertainment. Sadly, the majority of the population sees tweeting and status updates as a personal journal of ramblings - which can be incredibly intriguing....but usually not. As I once stated in an earlier blog, "You never realize how unclever and uninteresting people are until they begin tweeting. It's like accidentally hopping on Locomotive Nincompoop on its way to Fartville, USA powered by someone's deficient inner monologue." So, yes, I likely really don't enjoy almost everything you post. However, my friend tweeted this, which I did enjoy:

"People who are not motivated at all bug me. But people who act super motivated all the time bug me more. Settle down."

How true, how simple but true. Being positive, enthusiastic and motivated about everything in life is admirable...but not realistic. We all know someone like this. Their energy level is as if ten teams of cheerleaders fused into one person. The individuals are super nice, likely super respectable but also super in your face ABOUT EVERYTHING. You can rightly assume these balls of mobilized firecrackers are either on excessive amounts of drugs or so far out of touch with reality they are doomed to an epic awakening of depression when they realize the world isn't all sunshine and farts.

Furthermore, these intensely positive individuals are hard to legitimately hate but so easy to be bothered by. There's a happy medium you wish these people could find - but to each their own. As nice as you can try to look at their constant, amped-up bliss, consistent contact with these individuals forces even the most courteous of us to begin avoiding general conversations with them, because sometimes at 7:15 a.m. on a Monday the last thing you need is a yelling fuck of kindness in your ear. Likewise, hiding no longer works as physical avoidance now becomes not enough, because social media is a sure-fire way to let everyone know everything you're thinking.

So, often times the tweets and posts I hate are idealistic, motivational phrases from one of these individuals - because they don't come in single form. They are delivered in packages of 19/day. Although I never have been one to be incredibly inspired by random motivational posters or quotes, I believe writing is one of the greatest ways to communicate thoughts, beliefs and experiences - sometimes more than any other mode of communication. The power words have is unending. From books to essays to poetry -- writing has the ability to prompt you to think and feel in new, complex ways you never would have been introduced to otherwise. My respect for great writers of all genres is immense. However, this doesn't mean everything is worth writing...or communicating....

What makes me more annoyed than motivational quotes, by far, are over peppy updates of people's current and future life events. Let me try to give you an example:

"What a great day! After seven years of school, I will finally be an official employee at [insert generic corporation]! I am truly blessed and thank all those people who have supported my dream of becoming an Assistant Financial Advisory Managing Team Leader since childhood to put me in a position to succeed! Love to all! Don't let troubles stand in your way! Starting my week on a cloud of bliss!"

I feel so awkward when I read these. I don't want to downplay someone's accomplishments, but announcing these events and feelings in an over dramatic, shot-out-of-a-glitter-gun positive fashion with a hint of failed poetic elegance just doesn't hit me the right way. I don't see Facebook and Twitter as correct mediums to communicate over-the-top messages. When I read one of these immensely high spirited updates, I throw it on the on the same level as a 13-year-old girl announcing she will never love again. You want to respect their feelings but can't take the comment seriously. I mean, come on, it's Facebook.

Take it down a notch.

I once brought up this topic to a few people and was criticized for lacking the "spirituality" to appreciate the posts.......what? They followed my response of a confused eyebrow raise and head tilt with, "You just don't get it. She/he is really spiritual now." I've had multiple college courses on spirituality, and I wouldn't say "lacking spirituality" is correct phrasing. I would say I'm more realistic, and, by being realistic, when you rub your lifestyle and peppy to the point of puke thoughts in my face, I tend to not enjoy it. These people have the Tim Tibow mentality. I love hearing friends and family success stories, but not when they're consistently in my face about it - like a child forcing a chew toy into a dog's face. The bulk number of these tweets and posts takes away the significance of the situation - to the point where I will no longer read these, even when they are of importance.

We are all guilty of using these mediums as opportunities to assume the world cares about our train of thought, actions and lifestyles. My suggestion for these excessively positive people is to take it down a few notches, for everyone's sake. I want what I read through both Twitter and Facebook to evoke some emotions that don't include annoyance and the wish for a "despise" button.

USA Women's Gymnastics Coach...A Spy??

One of my cousins brought up a very good point after witnessing the United States Women's Gymnastics Team win gold last night at the 2012 London Olympics...

Is it hot in here, or is it just SSX Tricky?

A basic tricky move

When revenue flat lines, like my post views, one must innovate. You don't focus on what once worked; you change the playing field! More importantly, you attempt to figure out what will drive your female readers wild. As always, I'm fairly certain I found the answer....a video game review.

I'm aware, SSX Tricky is a throwback game to evaluate. However, you must realize back in the early 2000s we didn't have the same video game reviewing technology and ways of thinking as we do now (i.e. elaborate prostate exams and the ability to TiVo "Wizards of Waverly Place"). Likewise, I have a feeling some of the younger crowd requires a little refreshing on the background of SSX Tricky.

SSX Tricky is a snowboarding video game released in November of 2001 by EA Sports as the sequel to SSX. Rumors that the game's initial name was "Tricky Sex," but switched to "SSX Tricky" due to a drunk, dyslexic copyeditor are true. The game's overall theme, plot and switch from a low budget porno to a video game had to be completely reworked. The game originally was playable on PlayStation 2, Xbox and GameCube. For my purposes, I tested the game out on PS2. Somehow, this game is still $30.00 on Amazon. Here's what I found out...

Pretty good for eating eggs off of

With a new apartment and lack of essentials with the correlating move, we are often very low on plates. I found SSX Tricky's plate-like shape served fairly well. The game's platform could only hold three omelets but was easy to clean post hash browns.

Just so-so for applying sunscreen

I live pretty close to a beach and make frequent visits. With that being said, sunscreen is a must, because UV Rays mean sunscreen AND plenty of women who need sunscreen to be applied. I found SSX Tricky kind of works for lathering on sun protective lotion. Furthermore, the game works about as well as rubbing it on with a your cell phone. I recommend asking women for approval before applying sunscreen to their backs with an old video game as you're about to go through with what's thought to be a "romantic" move that's ultimately "embarrassing and illegal."

Too tricky for SSX Tricky

Terrible for cleaning your fingernails

Since fingernail clippers have have been made obsolete by the iPhone, and I don't have an iPhone -- you have to get creative. SSX Tricky's disc design with the shiny bottom resembles the outter appearance of a fingernail clipper but with much worse services. The game has zero corners or edges to clean out the inside of a pumpkin from under your nails. Oh, and I know what you are thinking...yes, the game case has corners...however, I lost the game case at the beach -- so this feature wasn't available.

Sadly, I was only able to try out the game through these three tests, because by the time I put the disc into my PS2 the game was covered in pumpkin-screen-egg matter. The disc ruined my PS2, which was just a VCR, which was hooked up to my microwave but somehow charged my iPod.

Overall, I give SSX Tricky a B-.

How much I hate Skip Bayless

I don't understand Skip Bayless and his vendetta against Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. Way too bias for my taste. He really takes the enjoyment out of watching ESPN nowadays, especially with the NFL season right around the corner. I dislike him SO MUCH.

Not this much,

or this much,

but 'dis MUCH!