What I Learned in LA: Los Angeles v. Chicago

I must apologize to my adoring readers for never composing a timely follow-up post about my trip to Los Angeles. My excuses for the lack of professionalism are valid:

1. I became very ill, but what the illness was is not known. I likely developed some sort of sickness from an overexposure to attractive women.

2. I was in a sketch comedy show, (Re)Zoned, which consumed quite a lot of time. In fact, I hate you, because you likely never came to see it.

3. I started a podcast with @sethwanta - The Windy City Welcoming Committee

4. #OwlProbz

Attempting to give a simple summary of my trip wouldn't be entertaining enough. No one wants to hear about ALL the make-outs with female celebrities I had, and ALL the times I ate every meal at the IHOP in Hollywood. The most enchanting part of my trip wasn't the homeless man draped in a large piece of carpet, but rather how different Los Angeles is compared to Chicago.

LA Mexican Nacho Champions 2013

In LA, they do a Mexican take on tacos and nachos

Everyone that isn't a nerd loves tacos and nachos. Taco Bell is a great option late at night, when you're studying or when you feel like having terrible diarrhea. Of course, there was an occasion in LA where I really wanted to go for some nachos. Little did I know...LA does nachos and tacos on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. In LA, they do a Mexican take on tacos and nachos. I know this sounds confusing. But imagine regular old nachos but with a Mexican twist. Seriously, it's crazy but CRAZY GOOD. I highly recommend you try Mexican nachos and tacos if you ever visit.

The women at the IHOP were terrifying.

When you get hammered - IHOPs starting popping up everywhere

Granted, we did stay across the street from an IHOP in Hollywood, but while sober I'm positive I didn't see any other International House of Pancakes anywhere. Somehow...after certain amounts of bourbon and certain amounts of 18 Monster energy drinks...IHOPs started popping up EVERYWHERE. We walked into a clubbish bar where they thought I was on the Disney Channel and let us in instantly. This place was on a cool side of LA that was filled with what I assumed were all A-list actors and the band Good Charlotte. Somehow when we left the establishment later that evening...an IHOP appeared across the street, which was not there when we walked in...and when we got back to our hotel, the In-N-Out Burger next door was serving pancakes....and the Hollywood Walk of Fame only had IHOPs and weirdos dressed up as Elvis handing out IHOP brochures. Yet, in the morning, none of these IHOP locations where there anymore - only the original one across the street, which I definitely ate at. #bourbondecisions

So judgemental

LA owls are totes different

I noticed the owls in LA are typically a little more standoff-ish towards strangers. In Chicago, they are either super mean or super nice. I did figure out that if you buy the owls bourbon they will open up to you and are generally good owls.

Improv groups in Chicago are also Communist

People in Chicago imrpov everything, and everyone in LA was like, "Line?"

LOL

Infamous Highway 405

Garbage on garbage

One of my favorite things about Chicago is now that the snow as melted there is literally garbage all over the place. From Busch Light cans to old Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, the Chicago snow hid the extreme amount of filth the city holds. In LA, there was plenty of garbage but in different places. Mostly the homeless people were wearing the garbage, but I also learned an interesting fact while driving there - Los Angeles is the city with the highest amount of garbage on the highways. Seriously, the amount of garbage on the highways is hysterical. I like the concept though. Have to make a commute to work and don't have time to take out the trash? No worries! Just throw it out your window on the way to work!

Someday, LC...Someday....

Lauren Conrad

Chicago doesn't have her, LA does...and I'm incredibly envious.

Political Social Media Updates and Honey Boo Boo Commentary: Which is Worse?

Theo from The Cosby Show (aka Sir Waka Flocka)

I avoid submitting politically themed posts through Twitter and Facebook. Not only is this a safe call, but also I'm not very smart. I'm middle ground or average when it comes to intelligence. The one, true gift God has given me is the ability to quickly memorize information and sound like I am more intelligent than I really am. This "knowledge hoax" doesn't get past the Intelligent Elite (a legitimate, professional group of academics who gather twice a month at Yale University to snootily share chili recipes and braid each other's ponytails), but my ploy tricks more than it should. I'm also very loud and enthusiastic, which helps me manipulate and intimidate others with much higher IQs. As Sir Waka Flocka Flame once said, "Play your strengths."

This is why I don't generally comment on things political. Such an action would make me crumble like a dry turd in a deep political discussion. I do, however, have a decent political knowledge. I know the three branches of government (House of Congress, Executionary, Green Day), but I am not a wizard on the subject matter. Now, if we discussed owl jokes, Old Navy commercials, running and my amazing hair - I would be Debate King (same thing as Prom King and Scorpion King). Regardless, my self-kept political "intelligence" and lack of desire to vocalize it doesn't mean political posts aren't justified. A friend of mine recently posted the following statement, which got me thinking:

The only picture ever seen of the Intelligent Elite at Yale

"HI HATERS. You're instantly getting blocked if you post how much you hate political commentary on FB. I'm sure one day your knowledge of Honey Boo Boo and Taco Bell's new, upscale menu will pay off." (@jpollitt)

This gentleman is hysterically right, but I can't agree completely. You have to look at this argument on two ends: 

1. Individuals should subject themselves to material to increase their knowledge on topics of real life importance.

2. People enjoy Facebook and Twitter for its entertainment value - not educational benefits.

The fact is most people are stupid with a big helping of ignorance - and they go back for another plate full of ignorance every meal....especially when it comes to politics. One sided banter gets old quick - and the majority of the general public completely ignores anything that isn't supporting their beliefs. 

Ready for combat

What's more interesting than these ignorant individuals are those I know who are very politically intelligent. So informed on every topic that when they are running full speed you feel like a turd sewn to a garbage can lid. These Political Wizards (Grade 2C in the Intelligent Elite Officer Rankings) are the ones who DO read the oppositional pieces. They may completely disagree, but they utilize their time to put biased thoughts aside and read to become more informed - even if it's garbage. Undoubtedly, coming out of your comfort zone of beliefs is tough, but hiding behind a self-created barrier doesn't help you grow as a person.

However, I've never viewed Facebook and Twitter as mediums to be particularly serious. If you looked at my profile on Facebook right now, you would see a cover photo of the main female cast of The Hills, a picture of me in tiny shorts and nonsense updates about owl and owl related combat. I've written PLENTY on the idea of not taking social media too seriously, but I'm not the same as everyone else. Many people do use Twitter and Facebook to stay informed on issues, and both mediums are legitimentally used by business with great success. Sadly, sometimes seeing a person's adoration for a poopy show like American Pickers is much more fun to be judgmental about than any politically driven comment.

The Real Housewives of Miami

I become more irritated with comments complaining about everyone talking about a trending issue - whether politics, football or horse dentists. What's super crazy is social media sites provide you with ways of ignoring specific topics - you can "hide" updates; "unsubscribe" from specific people; "unfollow" users; and the ever-so favorable "rid yourself of your Facebook/Twitter account and shut the fuck up" option. These are your choices for having any attempt at finding a happy medium between economic solution discussions and Real Housewives of Miami commentary. 

My suggestion? Only "Like" Facebook pages about pizza and only follow Twitter accounts which link you to Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp videos.

Come See the Theater Debut of "Roseannkenstein!"

I'm not usually into self-promotion....Ha, who am I kidding? I sell trading cards of myself at Hispanic thrifts stores on weekends, but that's beside the point. I wanted to let you lovely people know about something BIG that's happening in the Greater Chicago Area. Something SO BIG, you have to buy tickets to see it...

It is.....

Roseannkenstein: The Ballad of Roseanne, As Told By Frankenstein's Monster

And here's the hook...I'M IN THE PLAY! "What's it about," you ask? "What kind of play," you wonder? "Can I bring my pet owl or owl family," you ponder?? Then read below!!

First off, yes; it's that Roseanne...The lovable, snarky comedy queen from that hit TV show you either really like or have barely seen. As Roseanne prepares for her favorite holiday of all, Halloween, something mysterious is happening in a far away country of old - Geneva, Switzerland - where Dr. Frankenstein* is finishing his preparations to bring his creation to life when suddenly Roseanne and Frankenstein's monster switch places, Freaky Friday style (minus the Lohan).

By now I'm sure you're thinking this is definitely a romance/drama - well, you're wrong. This is an original sitcomy, dark comedy written by Seth Wanta, and "Roseannkenstein" is making it's theater debut this weekend. The best part is you don't have to have ever seen "Roseanne" or read Mary Shelley's epic tale to fall in love with the play - you can sit back and enjoy the HILARIOUS comedic situations that ensue. You must provide your own owl tamer but you may trade-in your owl poop after the show for cash**

More reasons to go:

1. I'll be barefoot.

2. You get to sit down.

3. Laughing prevents foot bunions.

4. If you're cute I'll wink at you not four*** but five**** times during the show.

5. You'll be in an audience, so it will seem like you have friends even though you don't.

Maybe you know one of these way funnier and more talented people in the cast:

Victor Frankenstein - Richard Anderson
Elizabeth Frankenstein - Erin Thorn
Agatha / Kid - Haylee Coburn
The Creature - Stephen Schumacher
Igor/ Kid - Jodi McGrath
Roseanne Conner - Charlie Irving
Dan Conner - Kevin O'Connell
Kathy Loveless - Jules Reid

Directed by: Marla Jacob
Written by: Seth Wanta

Tweet the deets: 

Fridays and Saturdays at 7:30 p.m. from Oct. 19-27
Gorilla Tango Theater - 7924 Lincoln Ave., Skokie, IL
$15/ticket - visit the website or buy at the door.

Please come, because if you don't I'll find you lazy, sweaty sack of pancakes and cut off your big toes. lolz. See you there!

------------

*You may feed your owl while Dr. Frankenstein is on stage - he throws owl feed into the audience and has a very calming presence, which owls like.

** Owl poop trade-in scale: 1 mouse skeleton = 1 paper moneys, 2 mouse skeletons = 1.78 paper moneys etc.

*** If I give you four winks, I still will kiss you out by your car after the show, but you aren't cute and won't get my number.

**** If I give you five winks, you'll get to make love to me after the show and help me finish eating my post-play oatmeal.

Where you can find some pretty good popcorn

The American public craves popcorn. Popped kernels are considered such an extreme American delicacy that popcorn was recently listed as No. 7 on “The Top 20 Reasons Latinos Visit America” in USA Today. As a result, Popcorn has taken on a life of its own. We now hear new baby names such as “Kettle Corn” and “Unpopped Corn-Chris.” Snoop Dogg has used popcorn in 17 different verses over his music career. Needless to say, the corn has popped America’s kernel cherry since its arrival in the 1950s.

With popcorn at the height of it’s popularity and with a weak market, I’m sure average citizens are all asking, “Where can I get this stuff??” Tough question to answer but I think I can help. Although difficult to find outside of LA night clubs and New York operas, I have discovered some prime locations in the Midwest where you’ll be able to grab some pretty good p-corn. However, if you’re looking for Jiffy Pop - it doesn’t exist anymore. Just stop reading now, please.

The Zoo

Have you ever really looked into those gumball machines full of so-called “animal feed?” The label is false; it’s popcorn – rare and sought after Brazilian popcorn. Don’t be alarmed when it looks very grainy and a lot like owl poop, even if you find a skeleton of a small mole or mouse in it. The skeletons are not only good luck, but also mean you have some good kerns. The brown and dry texture comes from how it’s grown off of Brazil nut trees and plucked from deep within the bark. This type of popcorn is better eaten dry. You may microwave it but DO NOT put more than two kernels in at one time, because Brazilian popcorn has marshmallow-expanding qualities. In terms of price, usually one pays around $0.25/handful if you can get a good twist on the knob. Good luck getting out with it though, because zoo workers can smell it and will pad down your pockets when you leave.

Private Gardens

Local residents are never vocal about the amounts of popcorn they grow in their own backyards. In roughly 2 x 23 square feet, one small man can grow up to 7,000 kerns per day. However, without proper BB gun accuracy the rabbits will eat over half of that. Take a good look at rabbit poop, because it looks a lot like Brazilian popcorn but tastes a lot more like poop. Obtaining the popcorn from these gardeners is another story. You’ll need to know the password, which is “rabbit poop.” You’ll also need to know the online discount code, which is “Halo 3.” You also must be a pretty decent kisser, which I can’t describe on here without giving away all my secret moves (a-wink). In terms of price, you’re looking at $7 per 94 kerns.

The Store

Seriously, I just figured this out yesterday. I found literally BOXES of it at several grocery stores. The only issue with purchasing it from a local grocer is that it’s “powdered popcorn.” So, without water, you’re screwed.

Hot Topic

You normally wouldn’t want to be found dead near a Hot Topic with all those 50 year old plus parents in there, but the popcorn is worth the trip. This vendor is crafty. Hot Topic hides the p-corn in the pants they sell (both popped and still in kern form). In fact, they even keep creamed corn in the hats. Rumor has it Jiffy Pop bought out Hot Topic in order to combine their t-shirt line with corn. This buy is pretty easy, because Hot Topic sells extremely unattractive pants which no one purchases. Pants be a-hot for the pickin’. I have no idea on prices, sorry. I’m not allowed near there.

Enjoy my popcorn secrets and be safe.