10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA

Here it is - blog #2 pre-amping my trip to Los Angeles. Make sure to check out my last post, "10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA."

Going off that list, I also realize people in California, especially LA, are not a lot like those in the Midwest. Yes, I could make jokes about everyone around here being overweight...sausage fingers, beer drinking, Hoverounds....but I'm more pointing in the direction of that "Midwest charm," which apparently lacks in the City of Angels. However, I'm not on board with the "Midwest charm" being as great as everyone assumes. I see it as most people around the Midwest are nice to your face but then do the trash talking behind your back. Yes, everyone from the Midwest is pretty much the main cast of Mean Girls. The Californians are likely a little more honest and upfront about their thoughts about you. Regardless, as you look at my list of hopeful encounters, I'm aware there is the exact opposite roaming LA.

With this in light, there are some DEFINITE individuals who could ruin my trip if I run into them while there. So, I've created the 10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA. Read it up, nerds.

Just poopin' it up

1. Jay Cutler

Chicago Bear's QB Jay Cutler was a standout at Vanderbilt University and has had a decent career in the NFL - where he now ranks as "The Worst Team Leader in Sports." Granted, Cutler's overall mannerisms are depressing (that's just how he is), but when this guy screws up on the field or something goes wrong in a game - his lack of confidence and composure is flat-out pathetic. The last thing I need is his mopey face dragging my vacation down. I only fear running into him, because his girl, Kristin Cavallari, and I are kind of the same person...So, there is a solid chance her and I end up in the same places at least more than once - we both have this thing for Qdoba that's kind of hard to control. The only good thing about running into Cutler would be he and I could share insulin -- he's a Type 1 diabetic as well.

BBQ SAUCE! OOHHHH YEAAHH!

2. Guy Fieri

Yes, Guy Fieri is a ridiculous idiot who loves food and looks like a manager at Chili's, but that's not why I don't want to run into him. Actually, he featured Glenn's Diner (amazing) near me on his show "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives," which I thought was a great kudos to a very fine Chicago establishment. Regardless, I more fear seeing Mr. Fieri, because I believe he would find a way to interrupt my dinner date with Lauren Conrad. She and I will be out to eat at some place like Lucques, he'll pull up in his red convertible wearing those stupid sunglasses with his bleach blonde, spiked hair...do a brief monologue about the restaurant, and then walk over to us and start doing a candid interview right in the middle of me I'm throwing fastball after fastball pitches of schoolboy charm at LC.

"HEY!" says Guy Fieri with BBQ sauce all over his hands. "What do you think about the food at this place?"

Then I'll have to say something cool and collective with a "whatever" attitude like, "Yeah, it's pretty good. Makin' her smile, at least" as I point to LC and wink.

Long story short, Guy Fieri has ruined our date. I guess LC and I will have to hit up Les Deux Cafe nightclub early.

I hate her.

3. My 7th grade science teacher

We bucked heads all year in 2002, and I still won't forgive her for the D+ she gave me on my periodic table acoustic song set to the tune of  "Hand on the Pump" by Cypress Hill. 

"When I see ya punk a**/ I'm gonna get ya, / Gallium ya / F***ing do ya / Shotgun goes BORON!"

I GET IT, Willa. I GET IT!

4. That entourage of women celebrities who are in love with me - i.e. Hayden Panettiere, Lena Headey, Jessica Stroup, Emma Roberts, Lyndsy Fonseca, Willa Holland

Ugh, I  DO NOT need more women celebrities drooling over me. I've already made it very clear I'm holding out for Jennette McCurdy, but some of these girls just don't take "no" for an answer! It's like, "I get it Willa Holland! We had a fling that one week in Cedar Rapids, but we have to move on with our lives now! We are GROWN UPS! WE HAVE CAREERS! Ya, know?" You should see the texts I get from Lena and Emma...and I totally know they are together when they are sending them too - just awkwardly fighting over my heart that they will never get. I mean, give it up Jessica Stroup! It's like you're nailing JELL-O to the wall - a lot of work for nothing....but I mean, ugh, I did go to Junior Prom with Hayden....and I guess Lyndsy and I make sense if you compare our relationship to most Taylor Swift and Adele songs...Still, ladies, you need to stop. No more SnapChat pics to my work phone, please.

Draaaammmaaaa

5. Heidi Montag

After LC and I hit it off when I get there, and I see Heidi Montag at Starbucks......Awkward City, USA.

Enough is enough.

6. Chad Kroeger

I debated whether or not to throw a guy off the train the other week when I noticed he was listening to Nickelback. If I see lead singer and guitarist of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger, it will not end well. I likely will demand he takes back anything he has ever attempted to contribute to the music world, end his career and live the rest of his life out by giving talks at high schools about how bad music ruined his life and much of America's.

Yikes.

7. Justin Bieber

This little boy has caused me so much pain since his arrival to the music scene. My hair is my bread n' butter, and this little bag of turds stole my look, which has resulted in far too many people telling me I look like him - WHEN HE IS THE ONE LOOKING LIKE ME. To some extent, I will take the compliment since millions of girls obsess over the singing poop ball. Otherwise, it's upsetting for a 7-year-old to legit steal my look and then make it popular. I've been pulling off the sexy, hip-hop schoolboy look since you were just a tickle in your pappy's sack, jbiebs.

Lookin' at a big ol' diaper of an analyst.

8. Skip Bayless

Let me refer you to my fellow contributor's article regarding this shock jock of a sports analyst. I'm aware Skip gets paid to say what only 10% of his audience agrees with in an pompous fashion, because that's his character. However, if this is not a big put-on, Skip Bayless may be one of the most classless individuals to ever be a part of the world of sports. If I see him in LA, I'm going to tell him he is a very bad man and makes me sad. That should teach him to shut up.

This is where kids go when they die.

9. The old furnace from Home Alone

Absolutely terrifying. Running into this metal giant would be a huge buzz kill.

He's just the worst.

10. Seth Wanta

One of the main reasons I'm getting out of Chicago for a few days is to be as far away as possible from this giant toddler of a man. You don't know him? Oh, well, just follow him on Twitter then (@sethwanta). You'll quickly learn what it's like to be the part of the internal monologue of a male Betty Spaghetty with the personality of a less funny Jane Lynch. His gangly, awkwardness can stay in Chicago.

Hit me up in Twitta - @StephenSchu

Come See the Theater Debut of "Roseannkenstein!"

I'm not usually into self-promotion....Ha, who am I kidding? I sell trading cards of myself at Hispanic thrifts stores on weekends, but that's beside the point. I wanted to let you lovely people know about something BIG that's happening in the Greater Chicago Area. Something SO BIG, you have to buy tickets to see it...

It is.....

Roseannkenstein: The Ballad of Roseanne, As Told By Frankenstein's Monster

And here's the hook...I'M IN THE PLAY! "What's it about," you ask? "What kind of play," you wonder? "Can I bring my pet owl or owl family," you ponder?? Then read below!!

First off, yes; it's that Roseanne...The lovable, snarky comedy queen from that hit TV show you either really like or have barely seen. As Roseanne prepares for her favorite holiday of all, Halloween, something mysterious is happening in a far away country of old - Geneva, Switzerland - where Dr. Frankenstein* is finishing his preparations to bring his creation to life when suddenly Roseanne and Frankenstein's monster switch places, Freaky Friday style (minus the Lohan).

By now I'm sure you're thinking this is definitely a romance/drama - well, you're wrong. This is an original sitcomy, dark comedy written by Seth Wanta, and "Roseannkenstein" is making it's theater debut this weekend. The best part is you don't have to have ever seen "Roseanne" or read Mary Shelley's epic tale to fall in love with the play - you can sit back and enjoy the HILARIOUS comedic situations that ensue. You must provide your own owl tamer but you may trade-in your owl poop after the show for cash**

More reasons to go:

1. I'll be barefoot.

2. You get to sit down.

3. Laughing prevents foot bunions.

4. If you're cute I'll wink at you not four*** but five**** times during the show.

5. You'll be in an audience, so it will seem like you have friends even though you don't.

Maybe you know one of these way funnier and more talented people in the cast:

Victor Frankenstein - Richard Anderson
Elizabeth Frankenstein - Erin Thorn
Agatha / Kid - Haylee Coburn
The Creature - Stephen Schumacher
Igor/ Kid - Jodi McGrath
Roseanne Conner - Charlie Irving
Dan Conner - Kevin O'Connell
Kathy Loveless - Jules Reid

Directed by: Marla Jacob
Written by: Seth Wanta

Tweet the deets: 

Fridays and Saturdays at 7:30 p.m. from Oct. 19-27
Gorilla Tango Theater - 7924 Lincoln Ave., Skokie, IL
$15/ticket - visit the website or buy at the door.

Please come, because if you don't I'll find you lazy, sweaty sack of pancakes and cut off your big toes. lolz. See you there!

------------

*You may feed your owl while Dr. Frankenstein is on stage - he throws owl feed into the audience and has a very calming presence, which owls like.

** Owl poop trade-in scale: 1 mouse skeleton = 1 paper moneys, 2 mouse skeletons = 1.78 paper moneys etc.

*** If I give you four winks, I still will kiss you out by your car after the show, but you aren't cute and won't get my number.

**** If I give you five winks, you'll get to make love to me after the show and help me finish eating my post-play oatmeal.

A Delayed Review of "Tammy: A Coming of Age Story About a Girl Who Is Part T-Rex"

I recently made a trip down to Chicago (not to be confused with the restaurant Old Chicago) for professional business reasons. Other than meandering around the downtown area and visiting that one Starbucks they have on Michigan Ave., I caught a little play which made the visit worth the amount of sweat I perspired during the visit (it was hotter than a sack of flaming diapers outside).

A friend of mine had been raving about the production he was in called, "Tammy: A Coming of Age Story About a Girl Who Is Part T-Rex." Since I was staying with him and there was a grocery store that sold wings next door -- I decided to check the show out. Have you ever seen "Sleepless in Seattle?" Well, "Tammy" is nothing like it; other than the fact that film was created in the 1990's. However, let's talk about those wings I ate first.

I bought them from a Jewel grocery store where one pound of honey BBQ wings is $5.99 (score). I grabbed a 12-pack of Miller Lite as well (wasn't carded) and headed over to The Cornservatory (the building looked like corn) where "Tammy" was going down (BYOB). The wings were pretty legit but very crunchy. Some of them generated a fairly loud noise with each bite. In fact, I could hear other audience members mumbling to their friends, "Is that guy eating wings?" The wings complimented my overall impressive demeanor of sitting alone, in the front, with beer. But seriously, the wings were worth the money. I may move my weekly dates with girls from that little cafe at Target to Jewel's deli. If you want to ask me questions about the wings, hit me up on Twitter (@StephenSchu). Now about that play....

"Tammy" by Corn Productions, is a story set in the '90s revolving around a middle school girl named Tammy Rex, who is part T-Rex. Outside of the fact Tammy looks like a dinosaur, eats raw meat, and has growling issues, she is like any kid growing up. She yearns to be popular, has a crush on a popular/athletic boy, and ultimately just wants to fit in.

You instantly fall in love with Tammy, played by Alex Young. She's super cute, super funny and undoubtedly makes you feel her struggle. Tammy's best friend, Hope (Alisa Rosenthal), provides loyal alliance to Tammy through her tween difficulties supported by hilarious jokes and seasoned acting skills.

The main source of Tammy's social troubles come from Jennica Lupis, the "Mean Girls" Ragina George of the play. I was extremely impressed by Jackelyn Normand's portrayal of Jennica. Her condescendingly hysterical and mean-witted conversations alongside her two-faced actions complimented by her pack of followers drew out my first LOL of the play. Jennica and her classmates complained about grandparent's inconsiderate timing of getting sick around holidays after "Jesus died for us so we could have a good Christmas," which instantly caused me to burst out laughing followed by choking on Jewel chicken.

I could write pages about the entire cast individually, because each character was phenomenal and genuinely made their persona add to an overall, deep hilarity, which poured off the stage and into my grocery bag full of wing bones -- likely the result of Anneliese Toft's brilliant directing. I have friends who are '90s junkies that would fall in love with "Tammy" based off the cleverly weaved in '90s references and music. The Rex family morning scenes, various romantic fantasies between Tammy and Cliff (Eric Akeson), and the awkwardness by Steve "Bacon Bite" Watson (Seth Wanta) all made me laugh from my first beer to my last wing.

Playwright Julia Weiss has created an intelligent, thoughtful, and heartwarming two hours of laughter. I personally enjoyed the subtle jokes of the production, which showcased Weiss's sought after talent to create thorough, satirical enjoyment.

Although the play only runs until April 7, I wanted to give my kudos to the cast and crew. Regardless, you have two more weekends to check it out. The show runs Wednesday-Saturday through April 7 at The Conservatory, 4210 N. Lincoln Ave., Chicago, IL 60618. Tickets are roughly $7, and it's BYOB (truly amazing). If I could eat wings, drink beer and see "Tammy" every Wednesday until I die; I'd be living a very good life.