10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA

Here it is - blog #2 pre-amping my trip to Los Angeles. Make sure to check out my last post, "10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA."

Going off that list, I also realize people in California, especially LA, are not a lot like those in the Midwest. Yes, I could make jokes about everyone around here being overweight...sausage fingers, beer drinking, Hoverounds....but I'm more pointing in the direction of that "Midwest charm," which apparently lacks in the City of Angels. However, I'm not on board with the "Midwest charm" being as great as everyone assumes. I see it as most people around the Midwest are nice to your face but then do the trash talking behind your back. Yes, everyone from the Midwest is pretty much the main cast of Mean Girls. The Californians are likely a little more honest and upfront about their thoughts about you. Regardless, as you look at my list of hopeful encounters, I'm aware there is the exact opposite roaming LA.

With this in light, there are some DEFINITE individuals who could ruin my trip if I run into them while there. So, I've created the 10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA. Read it up, nerds.

Just poopin' it up

1. Jay Cutler

Chicago Bear's QB Jay Cutler was a standout at Vanderbilt University and has had a decent career in the NFL - where he now ranks as "The Worst Team Leader in Sports." Granted, Cutler's overall mannerisms are depressing (that's just how he is), but when this guy screws up on the field or something goes wrong in a game - his lack of confidence and composure is flat-out pathetic. The last thing I need is his mopey face dragging my vacation down. I only fear running into him, because his girl, Kristin Cavallari, and I are kind of the same person...So, there is a solid chance her and I end up in the same places at least more than once - we both have this thing for Qdoba that's kind of hard to control. The only good thing about running into Cutler would be he and I could share insulin -- he's a Type 1 diabetic as well.

BBQ SAUCE! OOHHHH YEAAHH!

2. Guy Fieri

Yes, Guy Fieri is a ridiculous idiot who loves food and looks like a manager at Chili's, but that's not why I don't want to run into him. Actually, he featured Glenn's Diner (amazing) near me on his show "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives," which I thought was a great kudos to a very fine Chicago establishment. Regardless, I more fear seeing Mr. Fieri, because I believe he would find a way to interrupt my dinner date with Lauren Conrad. She and I will be out to eat at some place like Lucques, he'll pull up in his red convertible wearing those stupid sunglasses with his bleach blonde, spiked hair...do a brief monologue about the restaurant, and then walk over to us and start doing a candid interview right in the middle of me I'm throwing fastball after fastball pitches of schoolboy charm at LC.

"HEY!" says Guy Fieri with BBQ sauce all over his hands. "What do you think about the food at this place?"

Then I'll have to say something cool and collective with a "whatever" attitude like, "Yeah, it's pretty good. Makin' her smile, at least" as I point to LC and wink.

Long story short, Guy Fieri has ruined our date. I guess LC and I will have to hit up Les Deux Cafe nightclub early.

I hate her.

3. My 7th grade science teacher

We bucked heads all year in 2002, and I still won't forgive her for the D+ she gave me on my periodic table acoustic song set to the tune of  "Hand on the Pump" by Cypress Hill. 

"When I see ya punk a**/ I'm gonna get ya, / Gallium ya / F***ing do ya / Shotgun goes BORON!"

I GET IT, Willa. I GET IT!

4. That entourage of women celebrities who are in love with me - i.e. Hayden Panettiere, Lena Headey, Jessica Stroup, Emma Roberts, Lyndsy Fonseca, Willa Holland

Ugh, I  DO NOT need more women celebrities drooling over me. I've already made it very clear I'm holding out for Jennette McCurdy, but some of these girls just don't take "no" for an answer! It's like, "I get it Willa Holland! We had a fling that one week in Cedar Rapids, but we have to move on with our lives now! We are GROWN UPS! WE HAVE CAREERS! Ya, know?" You should see the texts I get from Lena and Emma...and I totally know they are together when they are sending them too - just awkwardly fighting over my heart that they will never get. I mean, give it up Jessica Stroup! It's like you're nailing JELL-O to the wall - a lot of work for nothing....but I mean, ugh, I did go to Junior Prom with Hayden....and I guess Lyndsy and I make sense if you compare our relationship to most Taylor Swift and Adele songs...Still, ladies, you need to stop. No more SnapChat pics to my work phone, please.

Draaaammmaaaa

5. Heidi Montag

After LC and I hit it off when I get there, and I see Heidi Montag at Starbucks......Awkward City, USA.

Enough is enough.

6. Chad Kroeger

I debated whether or not to throw a guy off the train the other week when I noticed he was listening to Nickelback. If I see lead singer and guitarist of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger, it will not end well. I likely will demand he takes back anything he has ever attempted to contribute to the music world, end his career and live the rest of his life out by giving talks at high schools about how bad music ruined his life and much of America's.

Yikes.

7. Justin Bieber

This little boy has caused me so much pain since his arrival to the music scene. My hair is my bread n' butter, and this little bag of turds stole my look, which has resulted in far too many people telling me I look like him - WHEN HE IS THE ONE LOOKING LIKE ME. To some extent, I will take the compliment since millions of girls obsess over the singing poop ball. Otherwise, it's upsetting for a 7-year-old to legit steal my look and then make it popular. I've been pulling off the sexy, hip-hop schoolboy look since you were just a tickle in your pappy's sack, jbiebs.

Lookin' at a big ol' diaper of an analyst.

8. Skip Bayless

Let me refer you to my fellow contributor's article regarding this shock jock of a sports analyst. I'm aware Skip gets paid to say what only 10% of his audience agrees with in an pompous fashion, because that's his character. However, if this is not a big put-on, Skip Bayless may be one of the most classless individuals to ever be a part of the world of sports. If I see him in LA, I'm going to tell him he is a very bad man and makes me sad. That should teach him to shut up.

This is where kids go when they die.

9. The old furnace from Home Alone

Absolutely terrifying. Running into this metal giant would be a huge buzz kill.

He's just the worst.

10. Seth Wanta

One of the main reasons I'm getting out of Chicago for a few days is to be as far away as possible from this giant toddler of a man. You don't know him? Oh, well, just follow him on Twitter then (@sethwanta). You'll quickly learn what it's like to be the part of the internal monologue of a male Betty Spaghetty with the personality of a less funny Jane Lynch. His gangly, awkwardness can stay in Chicago.

Hit me up in Twitta - @StephenSchu

Some things on TV I like and dislike

I try to watch as much TV as possible. I don't really like those individuals who say, "Oh, well I don't really watch TV," or, "My family doesn't watch very much TV," because those people aren't being honest. Whenever I confront a person who says a false statement along those lines I respond with, "Oh, well my family watches A LOT of TV. It's ALWAYS on. We try to have a TV in every room of the house." With that being said, there have been some things on television I've either really liked recently or have been unnecessarily angry about. Take a look, kids....

The Lady from the Target 2day Sale Commercials
Evaluation: Terrible.
It troubles me what market of people these commercials appeal to. I'm even more bothered by the fact these commercials were ran and approved by high members of Target's advertising group. You would think any normal person in on that board meeting would view one of those commercials and say, "Uh, hey, this is really bad." The lady is extremely annoying, not funny and only furthers my hate for Black Friday shopping. Ideally I never see her again.

Joe Buck and Troy Toy
Evaluation: High Level of Hate
Perhaps the worst sports casting duo in recent history, Joe Buck and Troy Aikman need to be split up and have their casting careers ended. For whatever reason, they undoubtedly don't like the Green Bay Packers. Troy has looked for every way to not compliment a Packer QB since Favre -- as if praising another quarterback would take away from his career. In addition, Joe Buck simply sucks and leaves nothing on the table in terms of professional analysis. But don't forget, the team is complemented by the useless Pam Oliver on the sidelines. Her involvement makes me curious who's granddaughter she was to get that job. Regardless, Buck and Troy Toy should never cover a Green Bay game again; it's what's best for everyone.

Above the Influence Commercial of Girl Throwing-up Pictures and Trophies
Evaluation: Hilarious, love it.
These commercials are always a personal favorite. The creators have been filling me with smiles and laughter for years. In a recent one, there is a girl at a party who runs into the bathroom and begins to vomit out frames of herself and friends, awards and other objects into the toilet. It's pretty great. I continually can count on Above the Influence to get me in a good mood before I go out.

WLUK Fox 11's Good Day Wisconsin
Evaluation: Embarrassing
When I catch glimpses of this broadcast in the morning I cringe. The show's personality talent and topics display the low quality TV news expected by a Green Bay, WI market. If a staff member of a New York news team ever witnesses this show they will be in shock, because the show is embarrassing for me as a citizen of Wisconsin. Good Day Wisconsin is painful to view. In an early morning haze, I'm sometimes not sure if what I'm watching is real. Every individual on the show has an over inflated view of themselves and is under qualified in what they do. Pete Petoniak, their big bad weather man, acts as one of the morning hosts with Rachel Manek. Their conversations are so awkward a woman could miscarry a child. Take a watch tomorrow morning and if the first words out of Angela Kelly's annoying mouth from the field are not, "Hi, guys!" I will buy you a hot dog. The issue is these three anchors are trying to be morning hosts for entertainment when they should stick to the little they are mildly good at - reporting news and weather, not commenting or creating conversation. In addition, the entire station talks with a "sing-song" tone to EVERYTHING. Listen to NPR, Fox 11 staff, they never do this. And Don't even get me started on sports reporter Drew Smith...


Justin Bieber Perfume Commercials
Evaluation: Stop it.
I was sick over the last few days, and I had the displeasure of viewing one of Justin Bieber's Someday perfume commercials. Obviously I was extremely upset after it was over. However, I kind of want to buy this for a lot of girls I know and see if they ever use it. When they don't I'll keep asking, "Hey! How's that perfume?? Do you like it?? Ugh, it just turns me on when I smell it!" Please stop it, Bieber. I don't dislike you, I just don't really want to have to see or hear you at all anymore. Can't we replace him with an older child star like the vampire kid from the Munsters? Now that's how you sell a product.



New Seasons of Dexter and The Walking Dead
Evaluation: Amazing.
Not much to say. I'm a big fan. Dexter to me is Sex and the City to almost any girl. The Walking Dead is really good too, not as good as Dexter, but still a fun show to watch. I didn't know you could create a drama based off of zombies so good. Thanks, AMC.


Golden Corral Chocolate Fondue Advertisement
Evaluation: Gross.
Nothing sounds most disgusting to me than sharing fondue with a crowd of people at Golden Corral. Can you imagine the types of individuals sticking their dirty hands in that and double-dipping? Based off of how sticky the salt shakers are there, I'm not going near that thing.






ITT Tech Commercials
Evaluation: No more, please.
These just need to stop. I hate them. The stories they tell don't make me feel very good. Almost every time ITT Tech tells a story about a minority citizen who now has an entry-level job after working at Golden Corral for 9 years (better than me I guess...) Then they show the wife and she says something like, "Before, we were going pay check to pay check, and now we do okay." I'm done with these.




Regular Show - Cartoon Network
Evaluation: Good stuff.
Watch it, seriously. One of the better children cartoons I've seen in years. Seriously, watch it. Try this clip out for size - http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/tv_shows/regularshow/video/?episodeID=8a250ab02e4e9a23012e4eef3282002a