40 Dads and 40 Nights

I came up with a phenomenal business idea, and I've been developing the concept with my friend, Nick. We are going to start a public service called "40 Dads and 40 Nights," where customers get to try out new dads for the implied period of time and pick one when time period is done for a flat fee. They get a new dad every evening.

There is obviously an unreal amount of potential customers. Probably thousands just in Green Bay alone.

I understand many of you are probably wondering, "Where ya gonna get all these dads?" The answer is: We are smart. "Father" is a loose definition. Outside of the legitimate dads working for us, we will also use men who never had the chance to be fathers, but they will be QUALITY fathers. The dads will be required to have former experience, like being an uncle or a mall Santa. We will have more readily available fathers than we will know what to do with.

In a nut shell, "40 Dads and 40 Nights" will be like the movie "Trading Mom" on steroids.

Where will we advertise? Definitely Walmart. There are a lot of dad-less people at Walmart, but we will pretty much advertise anywhere in-need-of-father people congregate; like at Red Robin or maybe the cemetery.

We still haven't decided if we will store and house the dads. We might just let them wonder around the office. The dads definitely won't be paid, because they will be paid in potential sons or daughters.

In order to make sure customers don't wonder off with our dads, we will have to limit the locations they can go to on these nights out. Probably just Qdoba...No, no....Probably just Staples. We will have the Staples employees watch them for us, and in return the employees can kiss the dads.

We're going green though, so, the dads will not be fed. Customers will be required to bring sandwiches each night or they will be fined. That's already a 56% profit growth right there.

So, pretty much, this business idea is already in motion. I've already have created a PowerPoint to present to the bank for a loan, and Nick bought a briefcase for when he meets with potential investors. If you are interested in investing in this father-less gold mine, tweet me @StephenSchu. There is no way this business model will not make me insanely rich, even richer than the people who made all those "Homeward Bound" movies.

Stephen's Up-N-Comin' Schedule

As I'm sure the four people who read our blog are aware, Mason periodically briefs us all with his up coming, outrageously rousing schedule of events and trips. Although Mason could be completely lying and really just sitting at home looking at Free Cabin Porn, I'm painfully and jealously aware he's telling the truth. My life in Green Bay is fairly uneventful, and his casual gloating about taking weekend trips to Beijing and parachuting exhibitions in Paris make my life look like some shit he accidentally stepped in while big game hunting in Alaska. With that being said, I thought I would share with everyone my excessively mundane schedule...

1. Go buy deodorant
The purchase of a reasonably priced, solid smelling stick of deodorant has become quite the endeavor for me. The correct purchase on this can be tricky and immensely affect many weeks to follow, because if one purchases an odd odored stick, one is forced to live with this until they run out (you can legally only buy one stick of deodorant at a time within a four week period, no turning back). I've tried hundreds of different brands (i.e. Old Spice, Right Guard, Ragu, Uncle Ben's, Payless, Pam), and have found "Old Spice: Game Day" to be the best. This scent is has great smell defense while not being so over powering I smell like I was eating it (which I have done).

2. Cavity filling
The dentist never really bothers me. Something about an early morning teeth scrapping really gets my blood flowing. I mean, I'm not digging at my teeth with forks when I'm home, but I'm pretty tolerable about wearing a bib and having strangers shine bright lights on my face while hovering around my mouth. This clip from the show "Metalocalypse," however, makes some legitimate points about trips to the dentist.

3. Go out to the exact same bars every weekend and continue to ask for "Shoop" to be played
As much as I like Green Bay, the setting offers little variety in terms of entertainment. There are the basics, niche events and occasional "wow" nights out...but really...every weekend offers limited options. Other than my brief trip to Milwaukee, I've been loosely running the same weekend routine for the last seven months. I like the bars my friends and I go to, I enjoy the people we meet up with, but eventually you feel slightly pathetic by rarely mixing it up. If you don't want to go out and drink, your options become fairly restricted. There isn't going to be an art gallery opening, an exciting band playing in town or much richer, hip culture very often. This leaves one with little room for options, and I find myself in the same places I went to while working towards my undergrad. The only thing different is how I'm awkwardly getting older and asking for "Shoop" by Salt-N-Pepa to be played more often.

4. Finish watching Season 4 of "Breaking Bad," alone.
Since I have to wait until around October to see the next season of "Dexter," I began watching the television series "Breaking Bad" periodically. Although not as addictive as "Dexter," I've been very impressed with the show, specifically the writing. The writing contributors not only must to require an essential creative, story building edge but also a deep knowledge of chemistry, drugs, the illegal drug market/distribution, law enforcement, finance and many other subject areas. Apparently they are making one more final season, I'm looking forward to it. However, unlike "Dexter," I'm not embarrassingly scheduling my day around watching more episodes...but I am always alone for viewing sesssions (no girls allowed).

5. Buddy Guy Concert
Okay, this counts as a real event. Other than looking to make more money before having a big concert in a much larger city the following night, why the likes of Buddy Guy would want to perform in Green Bay, Wis. is beyond me. Regardless, I was lucky enough to be offered a pair of tickets for his concert at Oneida Casino. This concert will very likely be the most exciting thing I do in town for quite some time. Buddy Guy's influence on some musical legends is epic.

6. St. Norbert College Track and Field Alumni Meet - April 21
Like Dale says on the show "King of the Hill," "Still, I must say, track and field doesn't really seem like a full sport. It's more like leftover scraps from other sports," track truly is hard to motivate yourself to want to do. Regardless, I competed in college for four years and have yet to rid myself on my extreme interest in it. Lucky for me, the SNC program is having an open meet for St. Norbert College Track/CC alumni this spring. I've been semi-training for the day in hope of not completely embarrassing myself, which is inevitable. The hope is for four of us to put together a decently competitive 4x400m relay team...I'm more interested in what costumes we will wear (probably wolves, maybe skunk people).

The Week Ahead

Happy Monday Morning!

Hope the weekend went well for everyone. I spent it in Green Bay with Caitlin and her folks. Nothing like home cooking! While in GB I got to taste some of Gavin's (Caitlin's brother) home brews - which were delicious.

Looking forward - I have a short week in the office, because Cait and I are heading out to Colorado Thursday night. Just so that we can look back on the trip, I'm going to taking a lot of documentation of the trip with a flipcamera and uploading it to here while providing a little commentary and context.

This is my first trip out West for skiing and I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be a high flying weekend so hopefully the weather is agreeable. We plan on going to Copper Mountain, Vail, and Beaver Creek. I'll need to learn some slang before heading out there, so I've listed a few terms that I thought would be pertinent:

 Posing -

Trying to get noticed. I won't be doing this. I'll be trying to stay under the radar. Maybe on the next trip out there I will let my freak flag fly...

Posse -

The group of people you usually ski or ride with. While I'm excited about the skiing, the people we are going with is the real reason I'm pumped. Really looking forward to seeing everyone.

        1. Rag Doll -

Someone who tumbles downhill while limp and presumably unconscious. Hopefully we won't hear this word out there.

2. Snotsicle -

Frozen nasal discharge, usually the result of cold-induced rhinorrhea.

3. Ski Bum -

Someone who has discovered the best alternative to working.

4. Off-Piste -

Ungroomed portion of the ski area. I'll be focusing on this type of terrain.

5. Huck -

To ski off a cliff or roll, catching big air. This is my cousin Nick's specialty.

6. Bowl -

Steep, wide run, usually higher on both sides. I think there will be some of these at Vail...

7. Apres Ski -

The night-life of a ski area, preferred by some to slope-side activities. Need I say more?3

Sorry for the formatting - I copy/pasted the definitions from another website...

You're All Boring Me On Twitter and Facebook

I've been complaining about this for quite a while, because way too many people have been upsetting me on Facebook and Twitter. The level of boredom and annoyance has reached a point where I've been contemplating deactivating my Facebook as an act to avoid everyone's news about their daily workouts, cruddy inspirational quotes and complaints about their life as they look for some sort of virtual closure or support. However, I simply have not been able to rid myself of Facebook. If I would deactivate my account, I would lose significant contact, news and what-have-you of friends, former teammates and others. More than networking purposes, I utilize Facebook as a form of entertainment. However, many stand in the way of these intentions.

The same can be said for Twitter. You never realize how unclever and uninteresting people are until they begin tweeting. It's like accidentally hopping on Locomotive Nincompoop on its way to Fartville, USA powered by someone's deficient inner monologue. When I send a tweet out, I attempt to make the update at least remotely interesting or worth a person's glancing time. I strive to be the next @michaelianblack, but I fall plenty short. Regardless, you're still welcome to follow me, @StephenSchu, but I can't promise I'll accept your request.

In that light, I started making weekly roster cuts to both accounts. Since I pathetically couldn't let myself go from the Facebook and Twitter world, I realized the next best thing was to sift through the numbers...

Jan. 30, 2012 - @StehenSchu: "Slowly but surely unfollowing many people due to their lack of efficient/entertaining tweets or outrageously excessive boring tweets."

AMAZING call by me. Props, bro! Thanks, bro! I felt a bit guilty at first, but once you drop your first 20 peeps and go 12 hours without hearing someone's misspelled complaint about "The Bachelor" and what they are eating, you'll continue to unfollow more.

After two weeks, the results are as follows:

-Reduced annoying tweets by 65%
-Reduced uploaded baby pictures from unplanned pregnancies by 89%
-Appreciated 45% more status updates and tweets
-Miles per gallon up 2.08%
-Reduced unthoughtful tweets by 34%
-Reduced hearing about girls sad, poop relationships by 95%
-Increased "Likeable" comments and posts by 51%
-Intelligence up 14%
-20% less constipation

So, if you are like me, I suggest you start limiting the number of friends you have on Facebook and those you follow. Due to many different group affiliations, I still have trouble cutting a few here and there. Why? Because people get hilariously offended. However, if you're being a tweet slut...you deserve what you have coming. No one is asking you to be consistently hilarious or insightful but think over what you're going to proclaim a few times before you throw it up on Facebook or Twitter. People write in journals for reasons.

Male Dating Advice: 5 Tips to Swoon Your Sweetheart

I wrote the following piece my sophomore year of college, and it was originally published as a part of St. Norbert College's Literary Magazine in 2009. I thought I would re-share my go to suggestions when friends come to me with women problems. Enjoy, kids.

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Male Dating Advice: 5 Tips to Swoon Your Sweetheart

It's an undisputed fact nearly every guy at some point or another has been terrified to be in the company of a girl in a one-on-one setting. Whether it's a date, hanging out, throwing up or studying, most men always feel they need to be somewhat prepared for the event to ensure their first impression is a swell one. Although I believe you can work past a poopy first encounter, it's better to be safe than sorry.

Believe it or not, even I've been placed my feet in these sweaty palm shoes before. I've basically wet my diaper just thinking about how I'm going to act or what I should bring up in conversation. The truth is to just be you...except that's easier said than done.

Since I have such a vast knowledge of women, interpersonal communication and cute girl kissing alike, I thought I'd provide the "lady-killers-in-training" out there with some helpful tips on how to swoon them girls.

1.) It's ALL about the mustache

This isn't a joke. A mustache is the key to any girl's heart. When a man braces a furry caterpillar under his nose, he is telling his date that "I'm a man. A man with authority and one that has been around the puberty block a few times." Other men will find your mustache very intimidating. She'll notice their nervousness and realize she is in good care. Plus, it'll tickle her when you make-out.

If she makes a comment regarding your mustache being a little too much for her, consider saying something such as, "Don't be scared, baby. It won't bite," or try, "Wanna touch it? 'Cause it's real."

(Don't forget, gel never hurts it you're a man who likes a crisp, gooey upper lip.)


2.) Tell her every manly thing you can think of

"I installed a shit ton of drywall before I picked you up," is a classic one liner.

Girls love it when they know they are with a guy who isn't afraid to get his hands a little dirty. I've swooned thousands of girls just by mentioning small facts such as:

"I can probably bench the table we are at."

"When I was in high school, I kicked kids in the teeth like it was my job."

"I haven't pooped in weeks."

All of those are very impressive statements.


3.) Don't be afraid to take your shirt off

Many guys will wait to do this until they are back at her apartment, your tent or whenever to end up after the date. From experience, I can tell you that you should remove your shirt immediately. Perhaps when you are getting food you could take it off when she is looking down at her soup. When she looks up she will be a little frightened but very flattered. She'll most likely respond by making-out with you for 6-15 hours.


4.) If you have to fart, just cough to cover it

Let me tell you, this one is a life-saver, but it takes some practice. It's key to not fart before or after the cough but simultaneously. Beginners will usually get the fart-cough-cough order. Others may get the early cough followed by the fart, which is very funny but not effective.

I suggest practicing frequently. After 13 or 20 tries, you'll already be getting the cough-cough-end of fart. Once this art is mastered, you can just blame the odor on her. She'll probably believe you based on the success of your performance.


5.) Bring an interesting conversational piece

I'm not just talking about an elegant, thought-provoking topic such as masturbation but an actual object you and your date can use as a subject to discuss.

Consider these two situations:

You place a delicate, hand-made, polished, dark down vase on the dinner table. Your date's eyes are immediately drawn to it. As she is still staring at it, she asks you, "What's that?" At first, you play is cool and don't respond. Then with a sudden realization of what she is asking about you reply, "Oh, that? That's my grandma's ashes."


Your date returns to the dinner table after using the restroom and sees a large bowl of hair in the middle of the table. Her eyes gaze on it with strong curiosity. She doesn't say anything but her face expresses much confusion. So, you initiate, "Do you like it?" She responds, "...is that hair?" You unveil a gentle smile and say, "Yes, it's yours."

Other fantastic conversational pieces could be fingernail clippings, a baby (don't tell her whose), over-sized combs, button money, a lot of tree branches you found outside or a stack of fliers for a missing person but it's a picture of a kitten.


I'm going to assume all these tips will treat you well, and you'll soon be on your way to paying federal income taxes with her in no time...or owning too many cats to make up for your lack of ability to produce children. I will leave you with an appropriate quote...

"All of a sudden you're like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows what I'm going through." - R. Kelly

Death of Salesman: Avoiding Being a Willy Loman

I've recently been reflecting on my current life status, ultimate goals as well as how one's life often innately restricts a person's ambitions.

I hold very high expectations for myself, and I've come out of college miles away from where I anticipated I would be at this point in my life. There are not many post-graduates who set the bar low on their desire for success. However, "success" varies from person to person. "Success" could be starting a family, hitting grad school or landing a solid job. I also find it easy to judge friends or acquaintances on where they are in their life, and, usually, I never take the time to factor in determinants holding people back from their goals.

My goals, like many, are very high and probably unrealistic. I'm held back from taking my first, ample step in this direction due to a lack of financial backing. The lack of substantial capital is only one factor that can hold a person back from success. Some people are stuck where they are geographically for reasons such as taking care of a sick family member. Others may feel obliged to stay where they are because of a phenomenal relationship with a significant other. Deciding on what's more important, your ultimate life goals or a realistic living, never comes easy.

For example, let's say I stay in Wisconsin for the rest of my life. I marry someone I truly love, I finally land a respectable job with substantial compensation and start a family. This scenario sounds great, right? But what if I had a goal of working for ESPN or as a big time sports analyst, and instead of ever attempting to have more audacity against my life restrictions I'm 37-years-old wondering what I could have been.

What's the better path? You can only hope there is a balance between both. It's not necessarily that a significant other or your family wouldn't be supportive of your dreams, there are just often convincing life factors which create probable road blocks.

I'm often extremely jealous of people who have a much more simple life due to a lower scale of expectations. I currently work with an extremely polite, quiet and rather simple minded individual. This person and I recently had the following conversation:

Co-worker: Boy, I had quite the adventure last night.
Me: Oh, really? What did you do?
Co-worker: Well, a few of my friends and I started out by grabbing a drink at [insert random establishment I've never heard of].
(I begin to think to myself, "Okay, I could see this going somewhere." My co-worker continues their story...)
Co-worker: So, eventually we decide to go grab some food at Kroll's. And...
(My co-worker begins laughing so hard they cannot even finish the story. Yet, they rebuttal...)
Co-worker: Well, (they laugh again), the group of other friends we were just talking about walked right in the door as we were talking about them!
(My co-worker continued to laugh outrageously hard as I sat there)

No, this person didn't get in a car accident, one of their friends didn't get so intoxicated they decided to place that person naked in a corn field...rather, a minimal, coincidental situation occurred, which was high enough on their scale of excitement to be labeled "an adventure." And part of me is outrageously envious of this person. I feel one of my average nights out on the town would blow their mind. I'm not saying my co-worker's life expectations are lower than mine, but rather I'm extremely intrigued how their course to happiness is much more achievable.

As elementary as it is to negatively assess a person's success compared to yours, not everyone is looking for the same thing. Everyone is looking to live, and that definition will vary for everyone. My current life goals are at a disheartening, significant halt, and for the first time in my life I'm fairly embarrassed about who I am and what I'm doing. I'm even more impressed with my friends who are finding instant success out of college. Their accomplishments only make me want to reach mine quicker.

Many people who end up successful took some sort of risk to get to where they are, which likely required significant ambition. However, an equal amount of individuals took a step away from their perhaps far-fetched dreams to live a happy and more realistic life. Our goals can change as time goes on. You can only hope that 50 years down the road you aren't the strange person at the bar saying "I could have" statements to random strangers. We all want to be someone, we all want to be remembered.

Cabin Porn

I'm about to hop on an airplane. But, I wanted to share this with people. I've always wanted to have a cabin on a plot of acreage to call my own. This site helps move along the inspiration for what that cabin might look like...

...along with the inspiration from my Uncle's cabin up in Minocqua, WI.

This link is safe for work:

http://freecabinporn.com/