Holiday Gift Guide by Stephen

Every child's dream

Christmas simply is not as easy as it used to be. Back in the good ol' days, the Industrial Revolution kept children away in textile factories for a magical 15+ hours per day. These tired 4-year-olds would then drag their sluggish feet through the garbage filled streets, past the sleeping, blackened bodies of chimney sweep children - while hoping to arrive home and have an open spot on their crammed, cruddy housing floor and not wake up with typhus. For Christmas, these children would have gladly taken a used napkin and a promise that they wouldn't die of cholera by morning because of the poop water they drank with dinner. Sadly, all that has changed.

We now live in a society where kids are "too young to work" and should be in "school." The once hardened chimney sweep children are now eating Cheetos out of a bag with one hand while spreading boogers all over their iPod Touch screen with the other and secretly kissing their American Girl Dolls behind the sofa before father returns from his yacht trip. And these spoiled, obesity-developing monsters are impossible to please when it comes to Christmas gifts. They all want the newest Oprah Winfrey action figure, One Direction Sega CD game or some other toy I made up to make you laugh. Shopping has only become increasingly difficult as gift demand rises.

That's where I can help.

Through work and personal ambitions, I've become VERY up-to-date on what's hip in the technology, toy and fashion trends - I know what are the MUST HAVES of the shopping world. By nearly completing three seasons of "The Hills" and one episode of "Ice Road Truckers," I can confidentially recommend and aid you in your last minute holiday purchases. I'm also assuming all your friends and families are bratty, little, fat children.


Stephen's Holiday Gift Guide:

Fur sure

Griz Coat

 I actually own this jacket...so...don't buy it, because then the phenomenal griz coat won't be cool. Instead get the stylish coat this posh monkey is wearing for that loving immigrant in your family.

Sienna Miller or Ann Romney?

A Horse

Believe it or not, horses are in this year. What type of horse should you purchase? Any will do, but the hottest horse in Hollywood (where 89% of fashionable horse breeding occurs) is this Bavarian Blueblood horse mounted by English Actress Sienna Miller on the left. If you don't know your horse breeds - just go by color. The workers at Big Lots are extremely helpful. Horses also make GREAT stocking stuffers if you cut them up.*

One fresh father

Skinny Jeans

One of the hottest items out there for the "dad on the go" - skinny jeans. I know pants sizes can be difficult to purchase for others - however - there is only one size for male adults - appropriately called "Dad Size." Now your dad can watch his favorite sporting match in style with "Team Colors" skinny jeans by SkinnyJeans.com!

Uncle Buck had the right idea

Gift Card to Toast Mountain

Well, you will have to talk to my intern Jennifer about this, because Toast Mountain hasn't opened for business yet....but in time...Toast Mountain is a restaurant I'm opening with a few friends where we will only sell toast - only wheat - no jam or butter - just plain toast. Sometimes we will advertise we have other types of toast, but when you ask we will say we actually ran out and only have wheat. Get your gift cards by following me on Twitta and tweetin' at meh - @StephenSchu - following me on Twitta is like a plate of tater tots with extra gravy on top (not available at Toast Mountain).

He's on his way through Amazon.com!

An Old Fisherman

Do you become inappropriately angry when grandma or grandpa won't shut the fuck up with their boring stories about their childhood when they only ate baked beans for 11 years and how the only thing they had to do for fun was WWII? Not anymore! There is NOTHING more wise and full of depressing stories than an old fisherman! Bring a swirly, old fisherman to your grandparents house for Christmas and see how they like it! He also will be very damp (towels and tarps not provided).

Look out, Juicy J!

Any Kidz Bop Album

Hate Bruno Mars? Think Ke$ha is a poop pile? Well, Kidz Bop is at it again to take your least favorite songs and have them screamed by mildly talented children! Why is this good? Because, arguably, these kids have made any Bruno Mars song better by simply making the recording shorter. Seriously, the producers legit cut out at least one minute from every song. So, instead of having to listen to the full version of "Moves Like Jagger," you can shine bright like a diamond with any Kidz Bop album this holiday season!

I hope this list was helpful for you. In fact, if you don't follow my list...one of your family members or significant others will likely hate you for the rest of your life or murder you Christmas morning - so buy these items while they're still in stock!!

----
*@sethwanta

Short Story 2: All the pretty girls get off at Southport

All the pretty girls get off at Southport

By Stephen Schumacher

A little Hispanic man boards the Brown Line train in Chicago heading downtown slightly after 3:15 p.m. He's wearing a pair of faded blue jeans exhausted by the afternoon and a navy blue t-shirt with respect in the tags. He is like another little Hispanic man who boarded the train earlier. Neither very tall, neither in tuxedos and no matter how young and zestful they actually are - their demeanors are matured and worn.

He boards in clumsy steps carrying a small, plastic bag with a such a focused look on his face his enduring eyes twitch until they drag him to the end of the train car where he hopes to grab one of the two single seats facing one another. He goes about this train seat acquisition with such determination the train's structure begins to wonder if someone once told this man in secret, "Hey, you know those two single seats at the end of the train car that face each other? Those are the best."

Although several other seats are available, these two spots are of top priority for the non-tuxedo caballero. The man succeeds to grab the remaining spot on the left. His personality and burdens sink into and fuse with the plastic, metal and fabric.

He stays on board a few stops - only a few minutes - resting with his eyes shut the entire trip. Yet, he wisely feels the air change from stop to stop and knows when the train arrives at his destination. He can also hear the automated voice howling from its speakers like a urologist, “Paulina is next, doors open on the right at Paulina.”

He quickly jumps from his seat, dragging his bag behind him like a sweaty sack of pancakes as he walks a few steps and gives a postpartum look back at his vacated spot. Nearing the door while the train decelerates, the Hispanic cavalier grabs onto the railing and takes one last glance at his Brown Line thrown before exiting. It's like a sad little game of musical chairs.

Grief does strange things to us.

All the pretty girls get off at Southport.

*Follow me on Twitta - @StephenSchu

Short Story: Exit Through the Sofa

I wrote a short story, and it's below.

----------

Exit Through the Sofa

by Stephen Schumacher

I was sitting in my leather recliner watching my Samsung television. A flat-screen plasma. Its trim dark like a horse and sleek like Samsung television. I could tell the lamp in the corner disliked the television since its light reflected on the TV's screen, lowering the picture quality. The television never seemed to mind.

My television decided to put on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, which isn't my favorite unit. However, I never was one to actually watch shows. I enjoy listening to the pictures, closing my eyes and feeling the screen's light on my skin. I'm often in the sun during the day, which is too warm, and the television light is much cooler and soothes my sun sores.

I could feel the earth tilt slightly off axis as I noticed something emerging from the sofa like a scarecrow from a corn field. First the feet, then the torso, then the head and hands. The man stood up tall and looked less like a scarecrow. I studied his grey, button down shirt tucked accurately into his horse black suit pants, which were held up efficiently with pride. I couldn't tell if he was wearing shadows or shoes on his feet; the lamp had turned away leaving only the Samsung to shine on him. Either way, his feet looked kind.

I realized the man was Christopher Meloni, because he told me this.

"I'm Christopher Meloni, the actor," he reported. His cheekbones were wise, forehead healthy and his nose nodded at me with approval, "Thank you."

"For what?" I questioned both him and his nose.

"You looked away long enough from the screen to allow me to get out of the TV, but I left through your sofa instead." This made sense to me. The sofa looked like it would serve as a decent door.

"Have you been trying to get out for a while?" I asked.

"For years. But people always watch my show."

"Is it harder to exit televisions when they have glass on them?"

"Yes."

He may have just been a scarecrow.

*Follow me on Twitta - @StephenSchu*

Political Social Media Updates and Honey Boo Boo Commentary: Which is Worse?

Theo from The Cosby Show (aka Sir Waka Flocka)

I avoid submitting politically themed posts through Twitter and Facebook. Not only is this a safe call, but also I'm not very smart. I'm middle ground or average when it comes to intelligence. The one, true gift God has given me is the ability to quickly memorize information and sound like I am more intelligent than I really am. This "knowledge hoax" doesn't get past the Intelligent Elite (a legitimate, professional group of academics who gather twice a month at Yale University to snootily share chili recipes and braid each other's ponytails), but my ploy tricks more than it should. I'm also very loud and enthusiastic, which helps me manipulate and intimidate others with much higher IQs. As Sir Waka Flocka Flame once said, "Play your strengths."

This is why I don't generally comment on things political. Such an action would make me crumble like a dry turd in a deep political discussion. I do, however, have a decent political knowledge. I know the three branches of government (House of Congress, Executionary, Green Day), but I am not a wizard on the subject matter. Now, if we discussed owl jokes, Old Navy commercials, running and my amazing hair - I would be Debate King (same thing as Prom King and Scorpion King). Regardless, my self-kept political "intelligence" and lack of desire to vocalize it doesn't mean political posts aren't justified. A friend of mine recently posted the following statement, which got me thinking:

The only picture ever seen of the Intelligent Elite at Yale

"HI HATERS. You're instantly getting blocked if you post how much you hate political commentary on FB. I'm sure one day your knowledge of Honey Boo Boo and Taco Bell's new, upscale menu will pay off." (@jpollitt)

This gentleman is hysterically right, but I can't agree completely. You have to look at this argument on two ends: 

1. Individuals should subject themselves to material to increase their knowledge on topics of real life importance.

2. People enjoy Facebook and Twitter for its entertainment value - not educational benefits.

The fact is most people are stupid with a big helping of ignorance - and they go back for another plate full of ignorance every meal....especially when it comes to politics. One sided banter gets old quick - and the majority of the general public completely ignores anything that isn't supporting their beliefs. 

Ready for combat

What's more interesting than these ignorant individuals are those I know who are very politically intelligent. So informed on every topic that when they are running full speed you feel like a turd sewn to a garbage can lid. These Political Wizards (Grade 2C in the Intelligent Elite Officer Rankings) are the ones who DO read the oppositional pieces. They may completely disagree, but they utilize their time to put biased thoughts aside and read to become more informed - even if it's garbage. Undoubtedly, coming out of your comfort zone of beliefs is tough, but hiding behind a self-created barrier doesn't help you grow as a person.

However, I've never viewed Facebook and Twitter as mediums to be particularly serious. If you looked at my profile on Facebook right now, you would see a cover photo of the main female cast of The Hills, a picture of me in tiny shorts and nonsense updates about owl and owl related combat. I've written PLENTY on the idea of not taking social media too seriously, but I'm not the same as everyone else. Many people do use Twitter and Facebook to stay informed on issues, and both mediums are legitimentally used by business with great success. Sadly, sometimes seeing a person's adoration for a poopy show like American Pickers is much more fun to be judgmental about than any politically driven comment.

The Real Housewives of Miami

I become more irritated with comments complaining about everyone talking about a trending issue - whether politics, football or horse dentists. What's super crazy is social media sites provide you with ways of ignoring specific topics - you can "hide" updates; "unsubscribe" from specific people; "unfollow" users; and the ever-so favorable "rid yourself of your Facebook/Twitter account and shut the fuck up" option. These are your choices for having any attempt at finding a happy medium between economic solution discussions and Real Housewives of Miami commentary. 

My suggestion? Only "Like" Facebook pages about pizza and only follow Twitter accounts which link you to Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp videos.

Come See the Theater Debut of "Roseannkenstein!"

I'm not usually into self-promotion....Ha, who am I kidding? I sell trading cards of myself at Hispanic thrifts stores on weekends, but that's beside the point. I wanted to let you lovely people know about something BIG that's happening in the Greater Chicago Area. Something SO BIG, you have to buy tickets to see it...

It is.....

Roseannkenstein: The Ballad of Roseanne, As Told By Frankenstein's Monster

And here's the hook...I'M IN THE PLAY! "What's it about," you ask? "What kind of play," you wonder? "Can I bring my pet owl or owl family," you ponder?? Then read below!!

First off, yes; it's that Roseanne...The lovable, snarky comedy queen from that hit TV show you either really like or have barely seen. As Roseanne prepares for her favorite holiday of all, Halloween, something mysterious is happening in a far away country of old - Geneva, Switzerland - where Dr. Frankenstein* is finishing his preparations to bring his creation to life when suddenly Roseanne and Frankenstein's monster switch places, Freaky Friday style (minus the Lohan).

By now I'm sure you're thinking this is definitely a romance/drama - well, you're wrong. This is an original sitcomy, dark comedy written by Seth Wanta, and "Roseannkenstein" is making it's theater debut this weekend. The best part is you don't have to have ever seen "Roseanne" or read Mary Shelley's epic tale to fall in love with the play - you can sit back and enjoy the HILARIOUS comedic situations that ensue. You must provide your own owl tamer but you may trade-in your owl poop after the show for cash**

More reasons to go:

1. I'll be barefoot.

2. You get to sit down.

3. Laughing prevents foot bunions.

4. If you're cute I'll wink at you not four*** but five**** times during the show.

5. You'll be in an audience, so it will seem like you have friends even though you don't.

Maybe you know one of these way funnier and more talented people in the cast:

Victor Frankenstein - Richard Anderson
Elizabeth Frankenstein - Erin Thorn
Agatha / Kid - Haylee Coburn
The Creature - Stephen Schumacher
Igor/ Kid - Jodi McGrath
Roseanne Conner - Charlie Irving
Dan Conner - Kevin O'Connell
Kathy Loveless - Jules Reid

Directed by: Marla Jacob
Written by: Seth Wanta

Tweet the deets: 

Fridays and Saturdays at 7:30 p.m. from Oct. 19-27
Gorilla Tango Theater - 7924 Lincoln Ave., Skokie, IL
$15/ticket - visit the website or buy at the door.

Please come, because if you don't I'll find you lazy, sweaty sack of pancakes and cut off your big toes. lolz. See you there!

------------

*You may feed your owl while Dr. Frankenstein is on stage - he throws owl feed into the audience and has a very calming presence, which owls like.

** Owl poop trade-in scale: 1 mouse skeleton = 1 paper moneys, 2 mouse skeletons = 1.78 paper moneys etc.

*** If I give you four winks, I still will kiss you out by your car after the show, but you aren't cute and won't get my number.

**** If I give you five winks, you'll get to make love to me after the show and help me finish eating my post-play oatmeal.

The Sites, Sounds and Abnormal People of Chicago

Wendy's eating gear, now on sale at Target.

If "people watching" was a sport, I would for sure have played D-II in college. Oh, and don't you dare judge myself or others for doing so, because gawking at the number weirdos you see every day is an impossible hobby to avoid.

After moving to Chicago, it took me very little time to realize how much better the art of observing others had improved. It was like I upgraded from diapers to Pull-Ups. I've had way too much fun taking pictures and commenting on the people I see via social media. In Chicago, it's almost intense how many weirdos are around you at work, on the train or out in public -- owning a few pairs of sunglasses is a must.

If you don't follow me on Twitter (@StephenSchu), then you've missed out on some of the greatest reporting of the actions and individuals I've seen in Chi during my four months here. Likewise, since I'm only followed by the director of "Baby's Day Out" and my parents on Twitter, I feel it's appropriate to share these pictures and comments from yours truly with my blogging community. Enjoy:

Call me maybe - Tabasco Sauce Queen?

Sept. 20 - "No need to apologize for violently burping outloud, ma'am. Your casual wear of water aerobic shoes screamed weird well before the acid reflux."

June 25 - "Fairly ideal running weather outside today in Chicago. And according to the woman by the liquor store, also a good day to spit on people."

Aug. 15- "I'm kind of a fan of this weird guy at the office. I'm pretty sure he only gets paid to sneeze and drink Big Gulps, but I like him."

Sept. 19 - "No, sir. I didn't make that face at you because you smell of cigs. It was, because, you know, you were eating things out of your fingernails."

Aug. 18 - "The dude in the Disney shirt kissing his girlfriend's neck and back on the train really gave me hope that I will find love some day."

Ey, gurl. Wat's yo name? Wat's yo sign?

Sept. 12 - "Someone was playing "Heart of Gold" out loud on their phone in the bathroom, followed by "Bad to the Bone." 70-80s rock has GREAT fiber."

Sept. 17 - "Mystery Bathroom Stall DJ continues today with "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper & "Can't Get You Out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue #MusicFiber"

July 31- "Absolutely convinced the large woman sitting next to me on the train used Funfetti Cake Mix as her perfume this morning."

Sept. 11- "As kind of you as it was to sneeze on the sports section of your paper and then offer it to me to read on the train, no thank you, sir."

Sept. 7 - "The guy casually walking around and shaving with an electric razor at our office should be beaten to a bloody pulp and thrown out the window."

Aug. 23 - "Whoever is habitually urinating all over the floor by the urinals at work- I promise I will find you and mop the pee up with your hair."

Sept. 3 - "I was just going to complain about how no one was blasting Gucci Mane at our apartment complex! Thanks, 37-year-old single woman!"

I have the same hat...

Sept. 18 - "Oh, no worries, dude. We all really wanted to listen to your Papa Roach ringtone on our way to work this morning."

Aug. 31 - "To the dude eating Chick-fil-a with gloves on: Let's hang out later!"

Sept. 12 - "I missed a great photo opportunity: Nothing says productive like a suite coat and snow pants."

Aug. 27 - "I was absolutely certain I just saw the real life Bilbo Baggins, but, alas, it was a woman."

Aug. 23 - "To the dude wearing a Lolla wristband on the Brown Line - It's time to move on."

Aug. 15 - "Unrealistic how bad everyone smells on the train right now. Has all of Chicago completely thrown the act of hygiene out the window?"

June 4 - "At least 15 hipsters just boarded the Red Line. What do I do? I'm surrounded and wearing a suite. Do I offer them PBR as a peace offering?"

On the verge of tears...while reading a Batman comic.

Aug. 11 - "Two clowns just drove by in a Camry."

Aug. 5 - "If one more fat person with a coffee obstructs my walking path by woddling into it today, I'm stealing the mini-fan out of their other hand."

Aug. 30 - "I'm not sure if I want to embrace this guy with a hug I can see looking at Muppet memes or punch him in the head."

July 30 - "A large woman yelled at my for getting too close to her bag of McDonald's while I was walking to lunch."

July 2 - "Something about the people purchasing Chicago souvenir items from Walgreens is innately depressing."

June 24 - "I thought I saw an unattractive pregnant girl, but it was a fat gross man."

Aug. 29 - "I like this guy at the office who wears floral shirts and gets paid to meander around in old running shoes and eat almonds."

June 19 - "Why are the loudest people on the 'L' always also the most obese?"

Sept. 4 - "And seeing that fat woman on an adult tricycle has officially completed my day."

Best seat in the whole city.

Another stumper.

First trip out to Montana + Winter Traveling Update

Montana

Sam's Tap Room at Red Lodge Ales

At the end of August, I got to go to Montana for the first time on business. The excitement around the trip stemmed from the fact that I picked up fly fishing earlier in the summer. Packing up my fly rod and gear I was beside myself. Fly fisherman around the country save up money to go on trips to Montana and I was going for free and was going to be situated on the Yellowstone River - one of the most renown fly fishing rivers in North America.

Beartooth Pass

The night before I departed I was staring up at the ceiling in bed until midnight. It was as if Santa was coming. Upon arrival and completing my work day I set off to Red Lodge, MT - a town about 50 minutes west of Billings. I set up outside of town along the Rock Creek river, a tributary of the Yellowstone that flows out of the Beartooth Mountains. The first night I was fish-less. Red Lodge is a nice, quant town that has a great brewery on the outskirts. Their double IPA is killer and you can't beat their prices.

Rock Creek River

Overall, the fishing was great. I only reeled in two fish for the four nights I spent there but wading on the Yellowstone and Rock Creek was unbelievably peaceful and rewarding. I'm looking forward to my next trip out there.

Baby Brown Trout

Winter Travel Plans

My January and February months are going to fly by. Here are my travel plans so far:

• A 7 day ski trip to Denver
• A 5 day ski trip to Utah
• A 6 day trip to Hawaii. (hopefully learning how to surf and getting in some bone fishing with the fly rod)

Round 2 coming up this winter!