Exit Through the Sofa
by Stephen Schumacher
I was sitting in my leather recliner watching my Samsung television. A flat-screen plasma. Its trim dark like a horse and sleek like Samsung television. I could tell the lamp in the corner disliked the television since its light reflected on the TV's screen, lowering the picture quality. The television never seemed to mind.
My television decided to put on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, which isn't my favorite unit. However, I never was one to actually watch shows. I enjoy listening to the pictures, closing my eyes and feeling the screen's light on my skin. I'm often in the sun during the day, which is too warm, and the television light is much cooler and soothes my sun sores.
I could feel the earth tilt slightly off axis as I noticed something emerging from the sofa like a scarecrow from a corn field. First the feet, then the torso, then the head and hands. The man stood up tall and looked less like a scarecrow. I studied his grey, button down shirt tucked accurately into his horse black suit pants, which were held up efficiently with pride. I couldn't tell if he was wearing shadows or shoes on his feet; the lamp had turned away leaving only the Samsung to shine on him. Either way, his feet looked kind.
I realized the man was Christopher Meloni, because he told me this.
"I'm Christopher Meloni, the actor," he reported. His cheekbones were wise, forehead healthy and his nose nodded at me with approval, "Thank you."
"For what?" I questioned both him and his nose.
"You looked away long enough from the screen to allow me to get out of the TV, but I left through your sofa instead." This made sense to me. The sofa looked like it would serve as a decent door.
"Have you been trying to get out for a while?" I asked.
"For years. But people always watch my show."
"Is it harder to exit televisions when they have glass on them?"
He may have just been a scarecrow.
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