Monday, October 24, 2011

Why I Can't Keep Writing About Using a Drain/Pipe Cleaning Instrument to Rid Myself of Mild Constipation

I'm aware writing about this topic is in high demand, and America is a supply-demand kind of playground. We witness this subject matter and I analyzed on CNN day in and day out, as well as a weekly topic on NPR's "Fresh Air." However, I have to set my limits. I'm not just a community editorial condom blog to be rinsed-out and tossed around from frat boy to frat boy. I have the right to choose what I want to compose when I want to, regardless of all the cute looks I get from local girls down at Walgreens. I feel used and disgusting, like a bag of used, disgusting diapers. As a result, this is why I can't keep writing about using a drain/pipe cleaning instrument to rid myself of mild constipation.

At first, yeah, it was a big hit. The fact that I discovered a slightly painful/sensual way to get through a bodily clog was the Johnny Depp of the reading world. I was the Blue Collar Comedy Tour but less fat. I had sold out show after sold out show. Signing autographs until I was constipated, which I'm now aware was planned action by the public in order to get me to write about it again. I was shooting lines with the Beatles and shaking hands with Charles de Gaulle. Yet, like Adam West and the original TV series "Batman," if I don't change things up soon, I'll be rustled into being a one trick pony.

I have SO MUCH more to offer. Even though you all didn't like the entry about when I used the poop-pipe-cleaner to clean my ears, I know how to write about lots of other stuff! I have a college degree; did you know that? I could write about the time I had to leave class, because I forgot to put on deodorant. What about the time I wondered onto the set of the ride for The Carousel of Progress at Disney World after getting drunk at Universal Studios? Is that doing anything for you? I even was banished from the Magic Kingdom but still find my way in there so I can have margaritas with the Hall of Presidents. Those are some quality stories.

I'll even be honest; I don't know how to keep writing about using a drain/pipe cleaning instrument to rid myself of mild constipation. There are only so many ways one way equidistantly describe the process of eating 4 pounds of cheese, having no movement for a few days and then inserting an incorrect instrument for the situation into my butt with fabulous results. My creativeness has only so much to offer.

So, I apologize to everyone, but I no longer will be able to tickle your pipe-cleaner, laxative fancy anymore. Maybe you should look into another member of the writing community...I hear Stephen King has some life left in him, and I'm sure Andy Dick is looking for work....but for me...I will ride my little pony into the wind so I may branch off onto another ranch. What will I write about now? Who knows? Maybe I'll write about a monkey washing a cat in a kitchen sink, or about how I keep getting convinced to have my eyebrows waxed; we will just have to see.

This may be the end of my time on the top, but I will rise again.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

What’s Stephen Reading?? LOL

I noticed Mason wrote an entry regarding "books" he’s been "reading." I’d like everyone to know Mason cannot read – well, at least not very well. Mason’s reading skills are barely past Hop on Pop. His claim to be into Russian literature and satirical novels is a verbatim conversation he recorded of me when I was interviewed by the New York Post, which he now claims to be his own. Regardless, I forgive him. No one would be interested in hearing a 7th grade evaluation of Little Critter’s first trip to the dentist. Stealing my ideas is all the poor guy had left to do.

Furthermore, I decided to give this Midwest blog a little college educated vibe by letting all you kids and younger women who read this blog know what I’ve been reading lately.

My Custom Van – And 52 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face by Michael Ian Black

I purchased this book after viewing the following youtube video regarding a taco party: The hilarity and compelling essays Black composed will likely make you put down the book (or Kindle) and vomit heavily from laughter. Soon thereafter, you will discover blood in your puke and be brought to the hospital. After about two weeks of testing, you’ll return home to find out it was nothing. Once you’re home again, you’ll pick the book (or Kindle) right back up from the blood puke stained carpet. Personal favorites of his essays are "Erotic Fiction: The Elevator," "This Is How I Party," and "A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered."

The anthology is made with love. If you know Micahel Ian Black from his comedy group Stella, Sierra Mist Commercials or cult-classic film Wet Hot American Summer – you’ll recognize his comedic wit immediately. He has excellent, unique writing skills coupled with perfect comedic timing. I recommend this book to anyone but my parents.

Eating Animals – Jonathan Safran Foer

Jonathan Safran Foer may be the best living author in the entire world, and I say that with extreme confidence. After reading Everything’s Illuminated and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, I purchased Eating Animals without question. However, the book is different than what you might expect but a phenomenal read nonetheless.

The novel is a brilliant memoir-investigation about his struggle with vegetarianism. He looks into the intelligence behind the meat industry and organic farming, the economic reasoning behind commercial farming as well as the horrors of it all. The book glued me in when the meat industries terrifying procedures were explained but then backed up by true facts, which rightfully explain why those farmers do what they do. The book isn’t written towards strict vegetarians or only meat lovers, but rather, the book lays it all down in front of you for your interpretation.

The Sims 2 (MAC Computer Game) by EA Games

If you counted the hours I’ve played The Sims and published the statistic in a newspaper, I likely would never have a girl interested in me ever again. Regardless, I was looking for my German military jacket in a box in my garage when I found the box to this computer game. Sadly, the disc was not in it. This left me with two options: 1.) Pee on the box and then burn it. 2.) Read the box. I went with number two.

Issue one with this novel – There are ZERO compound sentences and really just a bunch of sentence fragments stringed together on the back of the box. If you like computer generated people pictures, you’ll like this book. However, The Sims 2 is not my cup of popcorn. I was done reading it after about 30 seconds, and the character development was terrible. After reading EA Game’s Of Mice and Men, I assumed there would be a more linear narration, but I grasped nothing of the sort from this crappy attempt at literature. But, hey, if someone finds the disc – let me know.

420 piped sneakers by Radii Footwear

I was browsing for Halloween costume accessories when I stumbled upon this non-fiction sneaker novel. Pretty fly, huh? Unlike The Sims 2, these sneakers have unparalleled word flow, which just bounces off the velcro straps. Do these sneakers have man-made materials and leather upper? Yes. Hi-top design? Yes. Padded ankle upper? Hell yes. Like other Raddi Footwear reading materials, there are always issues. Only sizes 9 and 9.5? What? Are we all little children? I give it 3/5 stars.

Velveeta Shells Cheese - 5/12oz. Packs by Kraft

A more difficult read than you’d expect. Kraft’s plot development was a big cluster of poop. On my first read, I never strained the noodles and ended up with a big pot of cheese water and fuck. Don’t buy this.

I’ll close with a quote from Uncle Buck

Buck Russell: You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.

Norman Rockwell Paintings

I've heard of Norman Rockwell, but I have never taken the time to look at some of his paintings, besides his famous self-portrait. The spectrum of topics he paints about is a lot larger than I imagined. Here are some of my favorites so far:

"Complete" Albums List

I just wanted to take a break in the day to talk about the best complete albums that I can think of off the top of my head. Nowadays, it's hard to find a group that can put together a solid album that is great to listen to from front to back. The whole driver behind releasing an album is to get a specific single out. Back in the day, hit singles were still really popular, but more weight was put on the composition of the album - it was a more holistic approach.

To prove a point that that way of thinking in the record industry isn't dead I've included some albums that I believe merit recognition because of their overall composition. These are not in any particular order:

  1. Amplified Heart by Everything But the Girl - An english boy/girl duo that performed in the 80s and 90s, this album was considered the last focused attempt towards an acoustic-driven set before they turned mostly electronica/house in the early to mid 90's. While always having consistently high quality, this album put them on the "mainstream music" map with the track entitled "Missing". The album is my favorite album of all time. It's good for a Saturday/Sunday morning when you feel like mosing around or going on a brisk, fall walk in the park. The lyrics are rich, content beautifully put together. I've listened to it so many times that it really has grown on me. I think it's a diamond in the rough - not sure if everyone would agree with me. Full disclosure: my parents listened to this album a lot when I was growing up. There is no doubt in my mind that it is one of the reasons I like it so much.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

What's Mason reading?

I just want to take a moment to discuss what books I have read recently and what books are in the queue coming up. I'm not trying to review these books for you. Just trying to let you know what I'm reading on the Metro and see if they grab your attention or get your on radar...

Where you can find some pretty good popcorn

The American public craves popcorn. Popped kernels are considered such an extreme American delicacy that popcorn was recently listed as No. 7 on “The Top 20 Reasons Latinos Visit America” in USA Today. As a result, Popcorn has taken on a life of its own. We now hear new baby names such as “Kettle Corn” and “Unpopped Corn-Chris.” Snoop Dogg has used popcorn in 17 different verses over his music career. Needless to say, the corn has popped America’s kernel cherry since its arrival in the 1950s.

With popcorn at the height of it’s popularity and with a weak market, I’m sure average citizens are all asking, “Where can I get this stuff??” Tough question to answer but I think I can help. Although difficult to find outside of LA night clubs and New York operas, I have discovered some prime locations in the Midwest where you’ll be able to grab some pretty good p-corn. However, if you’re looking for Jiffy Pop - it doesn’t exist anymore. Just stop reading now, please.

The Zoo
Have you ever really looked into those gumball machines full of so-called “animal feed?” The label is false; it’s popcorn – rare and sought after Brazilian popcorn. Don’t be alarmed when it looks very grainy and a lot like owl poop, even if you find a skeleton of a small mole or mouse in it. The skeletons are not only good luck, but also mean you have some good kerns. The brown and dry texture comes from how it’s grown off of Brazil nut trees and plucked from deep within the bark. This type of popcorn is better eaten dry. You may microwave it but DO NOT put more than two kernels in at one time, because Brazilian popcorn has marshmallow-expanding qualities. In terms of price, usually one pays around $0.25/handful if you can get a good twist on the knob. Good luck getting out with it though, because zoo workers can smell it and will pad down your pockets when you leave.

Private Gardens
Local residents are never vocal about the amounts of popcorn they grow in their own backyards. In roughly 2 x 23 square feet, one small man can grow up to 7,000 kerns per day. However, without proper BB gun accuracy the rabbits will eat over half of that. Take a good look at rabbit poop, because it looks a lot like Brazilian popcorn but tastes a lot more like poop. Obtaining the popcorn from these gardeners is another story. You’ll need to know the password, which is “rabbit poop.” You’ll also need to know the online discount code, which is “Halo 3.” You also must be a pretty decent kisser, which I can’t describe on here without giving away all my secret moves (a-wink). In terms of price, you’re looking at $7 per 94 kerns.

The Store
Seriously, I just figured this out yesterday. I found literally BOXES of it at several grocery stores. The only issue with purchasing it from a local grocer is that it’s “powdered popcorn.” So, without water, you’re screwed.

Hot Topic
You normally wouldn’t want to be found dead near a Hot Topic with all those 50 year old plus parents in there, but the popcorn is worth the trip. This vendor is crafty. Hot Topic hides the p-corn in the pants they sell (both popped and still in kern form). In fact, they even keep creamed corn in the hats. Rumor has it Jiffy Pop bought out Hot Topic in order to combine their t-shirt line with corn. This buy is pretty easy, because Hot Topic sells extremely unattractive pants which no one purchases. Pants be a-hot for the pickin’. I have no idea on prices, sorry. I’m not allowed near there.

Enjoy my popcorn secrets and be safe.