Wednesday, February 22, 2012

40 Dads and 40 Nights

I came up with a phenomenal business idea, and I've been developing the concept with my friend, Nick. We are going to start a public service called "40 Dads and 40 Nights," where customers get to try out new dads for the implied period of time and pick one when time period is done for a flat fee. They get a new dad every evening.

There is obviously an unreal amount of potential customers. Probably thousands just in Green Bay alone.

I understand many of you are probably wondering, "Where ya gonna get all these dads?" The answer is: We are smart. "Father" is a loose definition. Outside of the legitimate dads working for us, we will also use men who never had the chance to be fathers, but they will be QUALITY fathers. The dads will be required to have former experience, like being an uncle or a mall Santa. We will have more readily available fathers than we will know what to do with.

In a nut shell, "40 Dads and 40 Nights" will be like the movie "Trading Mom" on steroids.

Where will we advertise? Definitely Walmart. There are a lot of dad-less people at Walmart, but we will pretty much advertise anywhere in-need-of-father people congregate; like at Red Robin or maybe the cemetery.

We still haven't decided if we will store and house the dads. We might just let them wonder around the office. The dads definitely won't be paid, because they will be paid in potential sons or daughters.

In order to make sure customers don't wonder off with our dads, we will have to limit the locations they can go to on these nights out. Probably just Qdoba...No, no....Probably just Staples. We will have the Staples employees watch them for us, and in return the employees can kiss the dads.

We're going green though, so, the dads will not be fed. Customers will be required to bring sandwiches each night or they will be fined. That's already a 56% profit growth right there.

So, pretty much, this business idea is already in motion. I've already have created a PowerPoint to present to the bank for a loan, and Nick bought a briefcase for when he meets with potential investors. If you are interested in investing in this father-less gold mine, tweet me @StephenSchu. There is no way this business model will not make me insanely rich, even richer than the people who made all those "Homeward Bound" movies.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Stephen's Up-N-Comin' Schedule

As I'm sure the four people who read our blog are aware, Mason periodically briefs us all with his up coming, outrageously rousing schedule of events and trips. Although Mason could be completely lying and really just sitting at home looking at Free Cabin Porn, I'm painfully and jealously aware he's telling the truth. My life in Green Bay is fairly uneventful, and his casual gloating about taking weekend trips to Beijing and parachuting exhibitions in Paris make my life look like some shit he accidentally stepped in while big game hunting in Alaska. With that being said, I thought I would share with everyone my excessively mundane schedule...

1. Go buy deodorant
The purchase of a reasonably priced, solid smelling stick of deodorant has become quite the endeavor for me. The correct purchase on this can be tricky and immensely affect many weeks to follow, because if one purchases an odd odored stick, one is forced to live with this until they run out (you can legally only buy one stick of deodorant at a time within a four week period, no turning back). I've tried hundreds of different brands (i.e. Old Spice, Right Guard, Ragu, Uncle Ben's, Payless, Pam), and have found "Old Spice: Game Day" to be the best. This scent is has great smell defense while not being so over powering I smell like I was eating it (which I have done).

2. Cavity filling
The dentist never really bothers me. Something about an early morning teeth scrapping really gets my blood flowing. I mean, I'm not digging at my teeth with forks when I'm home, but I'm pretty tolerable about wearing a bib and having strangers shine bright lights on my face while hovering around my mouth. This clip from the show "Metalocalypse," however, makes some legitimate points about trips to the dentist.

3. Go out to the exact same bars every weekend and continue to ask for "Shoop" to be played
As much as I like Green Bay, the setting offers little variety in terms of entertainment. There are the basics, niche events and occasional "wow" nights out...but really...every weekend offers limited options. Other than my brief trip to Milwaukee, I've been loosely running the same weekend routine for the last seven months. I like the bars my friends and I go to, I enjoy the people we meet up with, but eventually you feel slightly pathetic by rarely mixing it up. If you don't want to go out and drink, your options become fairly restricted. There isn't going to be an art gallery opening, an exciting band playing in town or much richer, hip culture very often. This leaves one with little room for options, and I find myself in the same places I went to while working towards my undergrad. The only thing different is how I'm awkwardly getting older and asking for "Shoop" by Salt-N-Pepa to be played more often.

4. Finish watching Season 4 of "Breaking Bad," alone.
Since I have to wait until around October to see the next season of "Dexter," I began watching the television series "Breaking Bad" periodically. Although not as addictive as "Dexter," I've been very impressed with the show, specifically the writing. The writing contributors not only must to require an essential creative, story building edge but also a deep knowledge of chemistry, drugs, the illegal drug market/distribution, law enforcement, finance and many other subject areas. Apparently they are making one more final season, I'm looking forward to it. However, unlike "Dexter," I'm not embarrassingly scheduling my day around watching more episodes...but I am always alone for viewing sesssions (no girls allowed).

5. Buddy Guy Concert
Okay, this counts as a real event. Other than looking to make more money before having a big concert in a much larger city the following night, why the likes of Buddy Guy would want to perform in Green Bay, Wis. is beyond me. Regardless, I was lucky enough to be offered a pair of tickets for his concert at Oneida Casino. This concert will very likely be the most exciting thing I do in town for quite some time. Buddy Guy's influence on some musical legends is epic.

6. St. Norbert College Track and Field Alumni Meet - April 21
Like Dale says on the show "King of the Hill," "Still, I must say, track and field doesn't really seem like a full sport. It's more like leftover scraps from other sports," track truly is hard to motivate yourself to want to do. Regardless, I competed in college for four years and have yet to rid myself on my extreme interest in it. Lucky for me, the SNC program is having an open meet for St. Norbert College Track/CC alumni this spring. I've been semi-training for the day in hope of not completely embarrassing myself, which is inevitable. The hope is for four of us to put together a decently competitive 4x400m relay team...I'm more interested in what costumes we will wear (probably wolves, maybe skunk people).

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Week Ahead

Happy Monday Morning!

Hope the weekend went well for everyone. I spent it in Green Bay with Caitlin and her folks. Nothing like home cooking! While in GB I got to taste some of Gavin's (Caitlin's brother) home brews - which were delicious.

Looking forward - I have a short week in the office, because Cait and I are heading out to Colorado Thursday night. Just so that we can look back on the trip, I'm going to taking a lot of documentation of the trip with a flipcamera and uploading it to here while providing a little commentary and context.

This is my first trip out West for skiing and I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be a high flying weekend so hopefully the weather is agreeable. We plan on going to Copper Mountain, Vail, and Beaver Creek. I'll need to learn some slang before heading out there, so I've listed a few terms that I thought would be pertinent:

 Posing -

Trying to get noticed. I won't be doing this. I'll be trying to stay under the radar. Maybe on the next trip out there I will let my freak flag fly...

Posse -

The group of people you usually ski or ride with. While I'm excited about the skiing, the people we are going with is the real reason I'm pumped. Really looking forward to seeing everyone.
        1. Rag Doll -

Someone who tumbles downhill while limp and presumably unconscious. Hopefully we won't hear this word out there.
2. Snotsicle -

Frozen nasal discharge, usually the result of cold-induced rhinorrhea.
3. Ski Bum -

Someone who has discovered the best alternative to working.
4. Off-Piste -

Ungroomed portion of the ski area. I'll be focusing on this type of terrain.
5. Huck -

To ski off a cliff or roll, catching big air. This is my cousin Nick's specialty.
6. Bowl -

Steep, wide run, usually higher on both sides. I think there will be some of these at Vail...
7. Apres Ski -

The night-life of a ski area, preferred by some to slope-side activities. Need I say more?3

Sorry for the formatting - I copy/pasted the definitions from another website...

Monday, February 6, 2012

You're All Boring Me On Twitter and Facebook

I've been complaining about this for quite a while, because way too many people have been upsetting me on Facebook and Twitter. The level of boredom and annoyance has reached a point where I've been contemplating deactivating my Facebook as an act to avoid everyone's news about their daily workouts, cruddy inspirational quotes and complaints about their life as they look for some sort of virtual closure or support. However, I simply have not been able to rid myself of Facebook. If I would deactivate my account, I would lose significant contact, news and what-have-you of friends, former teammates and others. More than networking purposes, I utilize Facebook as a form of entertainment. However, many stand in the way of these intentions.

The same can be said for Twitter. You never realize how unclever and uninteresting people are until they begin tweeting. It's like accidentally hopping on Locomotive Nincompoop on its way to Fartville, USA powered by someone's deficient inner monologue. When I send a tweet out, I attempt to make the update at least remotely interesting or worth a person's glancing time. I strive to be the next @michaelianblack, but I fall plenty short. Regardless, you're still welcome to follow me, @StephenSchu, but I can't promise I'll accept your request.

In that light, I started making weekly roster cuts to both accounts. Since I pathetically couldn't let myself go from the Facebook and Twitter world, I realized the next best thing was to sift through the numbers...

Jan. 30, 2012 - @StehenSchu: "Slowly but surely unfollowing many people due to their lack of efficient/entertaining tweets or outrageously excessive boring tweets."

AMAZING call by me. Props, bro! Thanks, bro! I felt a bit guilty at first, but once you drop your first 20 peeps and go 12 hours without hearing someone's misspelled complaint about "The Bachelor" and what they are eating, you'll continue to unfollow more.

After two weeks, the results are as follows:

-Reduced annoying tweets by 65%
-Reduced uploaded baby pictures from unplanned pregnancies by 89%
-Appreciated 45% more status updates and tweets
-Miles per gallon up 2.08%
-Reduced unthoughtful tweets by 34%
-Reduced hearing about girls sad, poop relationships by 95%
-Increased "Likeable" comments and posts by 51%
-Intelligence up 14%
-20% less constipation

So, if you are like me, I suggest you start limiting the number of friends you have on Facebook and those you follow. Due to many different group affiliations, I still have trouble cutting a few here and there. Why? Because people get hilariously offended. However, if you're being a tweet deserve what you have coming. No one is asking you to be consistently hilarious or insightful but think over what you're going to proclaim a few times before you throw it up on Facebook or Twitter. People write in journals for reasons.