Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Chicago Summertime Activities

I hope the Bachelor chooses me!
Summer is right around the corner and right on cue with the warmer weather is an influx of girls posting past pictures and comments on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram saying something along the lines of:


"Can't wait!!! [insert picture of their cliche dog in a t-shirt on a beach with a cliche sunset]."

"I love cupcakes! Ryan Gosling marry me! [insert picture of a girl who has gained a lot of weight since college shoving a Burger King meal with frosting all over it in her mouth."

Outside of how annoying I find these posts, I SUPPOSE they are correct - Ryan Gosling loves girls who eat Burger King. Also, these individuals are correct in stating summer is a godsend after a Midwest winter. Thankfully, Chicago isn't quite Green Bay or upper Wisco/Minnesota during the winter season, and we haven't seen snow in Chicago in quite a while (cross your fingers). BUT just as annoying as those posts are....the amount of Chicagoans bragging about "Chi-Town summer" becomes BEYOND overwhelming.

As much as I like seeing all the city pigeons huddled and pooping under the heating lamps on the "L" platforms in winter, I'm willing to accept the excessive bragging for what Chicago has to offer when the city is coupled with warm weather. If you are looking to make a visit, are new to Chicago or are bored as a horse at work reading this, I'm going to provide you wizards with a list of Chicago summertime activities! Enjoy ya, fart-holes!


I'll admit I'm a sucker for laying on the beach by the Great Lakes and gettin' tanner than a bear. With multiple beaches along the lake shore, you'll find these are killer destinations for those diarrhea-hot, summer days. What in the world could be better than dudes selling beer out of their personal coolers, grown men selling cotton candy when it's 101 degrees out and swarms of seagulls attacking families?

Ground zero
The Smell of Urine In the Loop and Downtown Area

When I was visiting Chicago for a job interview before I moved here, the men at 7 a.m. downtown washing the outside corners of buildings out with buckets of soap and water should have been a sign of the horrific smells to come. As the temperature rises, the sun's rays heat the city of Chicago streets to bring the overwhelming smell of urine to a boiling point. If that's not enough, I've noticed quite a strong smell of poop in some neighborhoods with no farmland to be found. You'll see many tourists taking pictures of their families absorbing the pee soaked air throughout the Loop. CAUTION: DO NOT WEAR WHITE CLOTHING - IT WILL TURN YELLOW IF EXPOSED TO THE PEE AIR MORE THAN 45 MINUTES

BYOB 24/7 Dentist Offices

Chicago residents will also brag (and rightfully so) about all the restaurants and theaters that are BYOB. The ability to bring alcohol to a location and not purchase it there is nice on the wallet and a fun, unique experience for establishments.

As much as we all love indulging in culinary delights, sometimes our teeth do not. 75% of major toothaches happen between 1-6:30 a.m., and that's where Chicago pulls ahead of other cities; we have the world's only 24/7 BYOB dentist offices. Not only may you have that cavity filled at 3:19 a.m., but they encourage you to be hammered for it! The high levels of intoxication save them from spending money on pricey painkillers.

The little servants there are AMAZING

Navy Pier

I personally love attending Navy Pier's live-action military naval battles on Wednesday evenings, but for those who are disinterested in bloodshed, Navy Pier has other perks. Consider the large Ferris wheel - world famous for its notorious make out and hand-job opportunities while riding. If sexual favors aren't your pleasure, try eating something for $50 that tastes very average!

Go ahead and get at me, ladies.

Babysitter Clubs

A slang term for where sluts hangout - i.e. WHEREVER I AM!

Players from a sport no one cares about nevertasted so good...
Fresh Chicago Oranges

Florida ain't got nothing on the delicious, organic oranges grown in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago! Do you really think all the college students live in that area because of DePaul University? NOPE! It's because of the insane amount of Chicago orange bushes lining the streets! Nothing screams summer like orange treats such as:

- Oranges
- Orange drink (orange juice)
- Orange peel pancakes
- Orange peels n' salt
- Freshly squeezed orange-milk
- Orange mayonnaise
- Orange-ka-bobs (oranges on a stick, grilled and wrapped in horse hair)
- Fleshy orange (pieces of the player's skin of the Chicago Fire soccer team soaked in orange juice)

As you can tell, there is something in Chicago for everyone. Whether you're black, white, African American or Caucasian - we all can have fun in Pee-Town! (same thing a "Chi-Town) I can almost taste the fleshy orange now....

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