Tuesday, February 5, 2013

What I Except on My Trip to LA

Part III of my pre-amp LA blogs! Make sure to check out my other two: "10 People I Want to See While I'm in LA" and "10 People I Don't Want to See While I'm in LA."

I'm obviously looking forward to this trip considering I rarely have the opportunity for vacations. As CEO of a Fortune 500 Make out Company, work controls the majority of my life. However, even grownups need time to have some fun too.

Are my expectations too high for the trip? Far from it. I've done my research and educated myself on the California culture and how to properly prepare. With that being said, I would like to share with you What I expect on My Trip to LA. Enjoy, nerds.

Take a shower.

1. A lot of jobless tenant farmers

American author John Steinbeck has made it very clear California is where poor farmers from Oklahoma go to find work and avoid the never ended Dust Bowl, which has plagued the Great Plains of the United Sates for more than 80 years. There is rumor you can still find John Ford and Henry Fonda roaming the streets of Sacramento looking for odd jobs. That's also why I'm flying to LA. Route 66 is FILLED with smelly, penniless families looking to join unions and kill one another in peach orchards. I likely won't visit any peach orchards unless completely necessary. 

West Hollywood, CA
2. Greedy, gritty oil men

Yes, like many other Americans, I've thought about settling down in California to take my stake in gold as the rest of the nation focuses on cotton and tobacco. But I'm much wiser than that...I've seen "There Will Be Blood," and I'm aware former mineral prospectors eventually turn to the oil business to become wealthy murderers. And I'll be honest, the idea of having a deaf son who tries to lite people on fire, fighting with an annoying, young priest all the time and becoming an alcoholic bowler just doesn't seem very relaxing for a weekend. Still, I will have my eye out for Daniel Day-Lewis and his crazy milkshake dramatics.

Must be like looking in a mirror
for most Cali Ladies
3. Top notch California girls

I'm a fan of the way East coast girls dress, and even a bigger fan of how the girls down South talk. This isn't overlooking the Midwest farmer girls - they are great - and the Northern girls are definitely the best kissers. I've traveled all over the world and seen quite a variety of women, but I'm just excited to get back and see the cutest girls in the world - some California girls.

There's just something about green grass, sipping on gin and juice and laying beneath palm trees that makes these California gurls unforgettable. They still know how to rock daisy dukes and bikini tops with sun-kissed skin that just melts my popsicle. Ever since I partied with them, I fell in love. Especially since Snoop Dogg is always up for making an appearance. These gurls have a lot of other things to offer as well - bikinis, zucchinis  martinis, no weenies - literally anything you can think of. These gurls really represent the West coast.

Jackie Slater doing what he does best - groovin'.

4. "LA Rams - Ram It!"

You must watch the video in order to understand this gem of a song and outstanding moment in NFL history. I expect "Ram It!" to be on repeat most places I go - LAX, nightclubs, McDonald's, Lindsay Lohan's apartment - I've already learned the dance from Hollywood Hanson (#21) himself.

You got Bon Iver on vinyl?
5. Different types of hipsters

Chicago, without a doubt, breeds hipsters. Don't believe me? Head over to Wicker Park and tell me what you think. They are everywhere, but one must recognize there are definitely different classes of hipster. Check out this article in StyleCaster. A phenomenal piece of writing on the 12 types of hipsters. In Chicago, you will see these types of hipsters the most:

The Freak-folk Hippy-ster
"Guitar anthems, geometric patterns, Polaroids, hitch-hiking, lake-swimming, begetable loving, psychedelic-experimenting free-spirits. Think Devendra Banhart."

The Yuppie Hipster
"Do you own a Prius that still has an Obama sticker on the back? Do you want to make as much money as possible while appearing to not put much effort into anything? Yup-ster! Keychain, $3.95, Zazzle."

"Bicycle riding, Whole Foods shopping, art-galley going, Toms Shoes wearing, urban-gardening, yoga practicing, meditation-retreat attending, hipsters."

And one type of hipster you see everywhere:

"Vintage mash up! Ironic, pop, or just loud and memorable. Probably owns some oversized reading glasses (most likely without prescription), frequents Urban Outfiters, fame-conscious, has bought at least one flannel shirt, fedora, and pair of cut-off shorts. Icon: the darling Alexi Wasser." - Also noted in Chicago

Hip to be square.
In LA, I think the hipsters might have an edge on what's currently in Chicago - they are closer to the roots of this lifestyle. The eclectic enclave of the Greater LA Area boasts some of the nation's most lauded food trucks and farmer's markets, a booming arts scene and one of the largest creative class communities in the country.  From Forbes, "Silver Lake, Los Angeles, CA is also home to some o the most avant garde Modernist architecture in North America." Although some hipster classes can be seen everywhere, I expect to particularily see these:

"(The biggest haters of the term hipster). You're not a f*cking hipster, you're an artist. You don't keep up with teh trends, if something great comes out, you'll hear about it from your friends. Think Vincent Gallo."

"Past-grasping, Grunge, glam, '50s slick, early '70s folk fashion, mod punk etc. Clothing with idealism."


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