Death. It's something that's been on my mind lately. My Grandma has been battling cancer for less than a year now and it is finally taking over. She had radiation and chemotherapy and when you're in your mid 80's it takes a lot longer to heal mentality and physically. She went through two stages of the treatment and now she's caught pneumonia, which will ultimately be the cause of her death. Now why my Grandmother got treated with radiation and chemotherapy, at the age of 85 is beyond me. I'm disappointed with the doctors and how they handled the situation. As a simple layman I don't know the full situation - or have the privy to understand an oncologist's decision tree when it comes to viable treatments - I'm just a bystander. I AM also not sure if my grandparents were swayed to make the decision, but paying for treatments that cost over $50,000 to have a 1 in 20th chance of survival at the age of 85? REGARDLESS, my Grandma had the final say on the matter and she made a decision to say fuck you to cancer and I will always appreciate how she confronted it with such conviction. One day, I hope to be fearless like that. My Grandma was and is a fighter: beating cancer before and giving an earnest effort to beat it now. But, this process and the last couple of months have just seemed like a legal way of assisted suicide. You may not agree with me at all. I don't condemn that. Each situation is different and our direct and indirect battles with illness shape our opinions and who we are.
Maybe this problem/debate stems from the fact that people in today's modern society, at their core, feel that doctors have all the answers. That there is always a cure or at least a chance for survival. We all want to hear that. But, at what point does an action not justify its means. Frankly, in my opinion, it can be summed up by the auditing principle of materiality. In other words, does the economic cost outweigh the economic benefit. It's a tough debate and the world isn't perfect. I'm just a little upset right now, as one can tell. If one want a deeper analysis into this, check out this documentary and it might help to uncover what might incentive people to treat an 85 with terminal cancer throughout their entire body.
For most of my teenage years, as a young adult, and through all of the shit that is happening now, death has been on my mind. It's not one of those things I grapple with day in and day out. And in doing so, it opens up another can of worms such as what is the meaning of life and all that good stuff. No no, it doesn't haunt me. It just bubbles to the surface when I hear about horrific deaths, people being cut short of living fruitful lives, and/or the thought of losing someone close to me. Death is something that I cannot define, and when I try and define it, it's so elusive that my definitions have changed throughout all stages of my life. It's one of those weird attributes of human life that is certainly going to be with you and around you. How we define death is like trying to define love. If you ask a 5 year about love (about loving their blanket or teddybear) it's going to be immensely different from answer you get from a 70 year old (about devotion to their spouse, about loving their children/grandchildren unconditionally). It's important to understand that each will explain love with a strong conviction and certainty no one can deny. No one has a right to tell them they are wrong. And even if they are in one's eyes, they aren't.
Same with death. It's the equalizer that doesn't seem to equate to what we think it should be. Knowing that we have a finite time on Earth with our friends and family is hard to comprehend and therefore it isn't given much attention until it's too late. It's hard for me, especially surrounding the relationship I have with my parents. When I was younger they were enforcers. When I was in high school and college they were enablers. Now, as I grow older, they are some of my closest friends. The hard thing is dealing with knowing that you have a limited time with them. The same goes for my brother and sister. For me, when I first went off to college, it was hard to come to the realization that I had lived with my parents for 18 years and then with my siblings for 15 of them. And now after college, I'm in Minneapolis. Still close to Milwaukee, but by all means not across the street or down the hall in our house. I think there is something to be said how different developed nations are from undeveloped nations and the mentality we have towards family life. When we deem the time is right, we move away from living in a nuclear family setting to create our own, to be independent, to make careers, to explore our own desires. While that is fantastic and unique, I just don't know how healthy it is. It causes people to grow apart unless they are dedicated to one another. It's a phenomenon that I just can't wrap my brain around.
Call me hypocritical. It's just hard to reify something like that. Connections between a family can be so indicative of one's innermost nature. It's just hard to break the bonds, let along the togetherness of a singular unit. Now, I'm blessed with a fantastic family and I know that ia not the case for everyone. Even if that is the case, it is hard to say that different personalities in your own household when we were growing up did not shape the person you are today. Even if they are in the smallest capacity today, who knows. Twenty years from now, those small characteristics might blossom and define the person you are or strive to be. They may be the highlights in your own legacy.
Ranting and raving. That's what this blogging thing is all about, I guess. I just wanted to make people question it more and appreciate the fortunate lives we are all given. I'm not trying to be sentimental. I'm just trying to figure out the relationship we all have with death and furthermore the meaning of life. This is a philosophical question that I've tried to read/learn about for myself. Whether it be texts such as Tuesdays with Morrie, Death of Ivan Ilych, or Myth of Sisyphus.
It's hard to wrap my head around it. I would just like to know of it and to see if there is something beyond it. Is nirvana possible, is there a heaven, is there a Shangri-La? But as anyone tries to decipher any of these questions, it's important to genuinely appreciate our relationships and the time we spend with people. In doing so, maybe I just answered all those questions right there. Maybe not.
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